acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
So many people I know seem to be struggling lately... and it reminded of a conversation I had a few years ago... what is below I wrote for my website, but I won't post it there for another couple of weeks... today though, I want to share it with you and my thoughts on spirituality and suffering...
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I am not, at this time, a man who follows a religion… though I will say I love the study of religion. I do consider myself a very spiritual person and believe that we all have gifts from our Higher Powers. For the record, my Higher Power is feminine and Her name is Love. Her Higher Power is God. She is kind of my medium between me and God and between me and religion.
One of the few benefits I had living with my ex-wife in our former town was my neighbor. He was the same age as me, in fact, just a month older, and many a summer evening as I worked in my garden he would come over and we would share our thoughts on spirituality and religion. You see my neighbor is a minister. And we both kind of educated each other on the ways of religion and spirituality.
Unlike most ministers he was very open and listened to my beliefs, just as much as I listened to him. What was really amazing was that he knew many of the self-help authors that we all know and love. A couple of times I ventured to a Sunday service and his sermons were very much modeled after John Bradshaw, whom he said was one of his favorite authors.
I share that with you to give a little background about one of our conversations that we had on one of those summer nights. It involved suffering.
As a man of the cloth he had struggled with parishioners who did everything in their power to avoid suffering. He believed that people would never be happy if they were constantly going on fancy vacations, or buying new toys, like cars, boats, or even homes. He said that they were doing these things so they didn’t have to deal with reality. Every time an emergency came up, they just threw money at it and kept on their happy face.
They would brag about their jobs or the friends they had, but they were truly suffering because they never learned how to suffer.
That really stuck with me. For years, I kept on a tough face. It was for show, just to say that nothing bothered me. My toy to hide my suffering was drugs and alcohol. When I finally surrendered to my addictions, I suffered… really suffered for the first time in my life.
Some would say, I suffered as a child. I did, but I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let others see me cry. I didn’t suffer as an adult because I had a bottle to hide the pain. Even when I was homeless and starving, I didn’t suffer because I still found a way to get booze.
You look at Christianity and its number one symbol is the ultimate form of torture and suffering… yet many avoid suffering at all costs.
Will suffering ever stop for me? I think the day I die it will stop… but here I will have moments of stress and uncertainty and each time I deal with it in a constructive healing way my suffering will be less and not as long.
Does my Higher Power or Her Higher Power want me to suffer? No. No way. With name like “Love” how can She want me to suffer. The greatest gift we were given at our birth was the gift of choice. God didn’t put me in the position where I suffer… I did it. It would be easy for me to blame God for my suffering, I believe though that is unfair.
The same God who I praise when I am happy is the same God who has a shoulder to cry on when I am hurting. And right there is my choice when I am suffering, either turn around and walk away from Her or realize that it isn’t Her fault for what is going on in my life.
The choice is mine and today… I’ll hold Her hand and we will walk together.
*************************************************************
I am not, at this time, a man who follows a religion… though I will say I love the study of religion. I do consider myself a very spiritual person and believe that we all have gifts from our Higher Powers. For the record, my Higher Power is feminine and Her name is Love. Her Higher Power is God. She is kind of my medium between me and God and between me and religion.
One of the few benefits I had living with my ex-wife in our former town was my neighbor. He was the same age as me, in fact, just a month older, and many a summer evening as I worked in my garden he would come over and we would share our thoughts on spirituality and religion. You see my neighbor is a minister. And we both kind of educated each other on the ways of religion and spirituality.
Unlike most ministers he was very open and listened to my beliefs, just as much as I listened to him. What was really amazing was that he knew many of the self-help authors that we all know and love. A couple of times I ventured to a Sunday service and his sermons were very much modeled after John Bradshaw, whom he said was one of his favorite authors.
I share that with you to give a little background about one of our conversations that we had on one of those summer nights. It involved suffering.
As a man of the cloth he had struggled with parishioners who did everything in their power to avoid suffering. He believed that people would never be happy if they were constantly going on fancy vacations, or buying new toys, like cars, boats, or even homes. He said that they were doing these things so they didn’t have to deal with reality. Every time an emergency came up, they just threw money at it and kept on their happy face.
They would brag about their jobs or the friends they had, but they were truly suffering because they never learned how to suffer.
That really stuck with me. For years, I kept on a tough face. It was for show, just to say that nothing bothered me. My toy to hide my suffering was drugs and alcohol. When I finally surrendered to my addictions, I suffered… really suffered for the first time in my life.
Some would say, I suffered as a child. I did, but I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let others see me cry. I didn’t suffer as an adult because I had a bottle to hide the pain. Even when I was homeless and starving, I didn’t suffer because I still found a way to get booze.
You look at Christianity and its number one symbol is the ultimate form of torture and suffering… yet many avoid suffering at all costs.
Will suffering ever stop for me? I think the day I die it will stop… but here I will have moments of stress and uncertainty and each time I deal with it in a constructive healing way my suffering will be less and not as long.
Does my Higher Power or Her Higher Power want me to suffer? No. No way. With name like “Love” how can She want me to suffer. The greatest gift we were given at our birth was the gift of choice. God didn’t put me in the position where I suffer… I did it. It would be easy for me to blame God for my suffering, I believe though that is unfair.
The same God who I praise when I am happy is the same God who has a shoulder to cry on when I am hurting. And right there is my choice when I am suffering, either turn around and walk away from Her or realize that it isn’t Her fault for what is going on in my life.
The choice is mine and today… I’ll hold Her hand and we will walk together.
That was lovely. As usual. I do admire how you are so open and honest with your every feeling. And that you share so much with our little family. And everyone else out there who is smart enough to look for answers rather than think they know it all already. Thank you for all you do.
M
I know that I stuffed my childhood suffering under a thick blanket of denial. I built the highest, strongest fortifications imaginable and put on that ubiquitous happy face. (Indeed, Hawkeye of "M*A*S*H" was my idol and example of "anger turned sideways.")
My life was a circle of isolation that self-perpetuated. I felt incredibly alone, yet I allowed no one the opportunity to get close to me. Mal-adapted as it was, that was what allowed me to survive and function, albeit not very well. The suffering of loneliness was cold comfort compared to the suffering of abandonment, rejection, humiliation and abuse...truly the lesser of two evils.
So the real suffering was stuffed, denied and buried. The process of recovery begins to pull away that blanket of denial and exposes the buried suffering to the light for the first time in years (or decades.) Ironically, it is the experience of that original suffering in its fullness that brings about healing. That's where the Twelve Steps and, even more importantly, the loving, accepting community of other recovering persons make it possible to go through this healing process with the wonderful assurance that I Am Not Alone.
In learning recovery tools, hearing the experience, strength and hope of others, and especially the freedom of telling my story in a welcoming, accepting and non-judgmental place, I can process through the old suffering.
What I find to be truly incredible is that sometimes, all it takes to heal from some of that old suffering is to have it validated...to have someone else say, "You know, that really sucked. I'm sorry you had to go through that."
And that's one of the reasons I "keep coming back."
You are so right... just to be acknowledged. For years, I was ignored with my claims and was abandoned because I was letting go of the secrets. It just has happened in the last five years that my brothers and extended family has begun to acknowledge the abuse I suffered. And just having that acknowledgment hs meant the world to me.
Hobbit, thank you for your kind words...
Dave
What am i learning from these terrible feelings I have at the moment? I am learning a HUGE lesson. My HP has FORCED me to confide in others and ask for help. THIS is my lesson. I am hating it so much i can't tell you - but hopefully I will look back upon it as a huge growth spurt. No man is an Island as they say. I am having to learn to ask for help. YUK! ARGH!!!!! I have had to reach out. I feel so vulnerable doing so.
The strange thing is that when i get one major worry sorted, my mind seems to have a laser beam that goes in search of the next thing to worry about!!!!!! What is THAT all about????? Argh!!!!
I am having some therapy soon (cognitive behavioural therapy) to try and help stop this pattern.
*smiling* Hugs to everyone!
Needed to Read this this Morning Dave... Suffering Is Def. Optional.. I didn't know that till I Entered the Walls of Al-Anon.. I use to think that the whole world had it in for me at one point or another... Funny what you can learn when you just open your Ears & Listen... Zip it & Hear for the 1st time that My Pain is Ok... But I Always have a Choice, How I Preceive it, and How I Handle My Next Feelings...
I guess what i am Saying is a Am Grateful that I have slowed up on the "Reacting" and picked up on Allowing HP to guide me thru my Journey...
Thanks again for your Share Dave.. .Always Grateful :0)
Love, Prayers
1Ness
i was not wanted ...i was abandoned..neglected...abused...and its hard 4 me to think that i am loveable and acceptable...i think i have to be right and always do a gr8 job to b acceptable...its better now, but its a struggle...i struggle with self hate a lot....i was brainwashed by nearly 100% of my family that i was "less then"....i am not taking crap from my famly anymore...they resent this, but too bad
my cousin dearest realized what a good friend she lost and is making amends 2 me and i am ok with it....maybe not as close to her and NEVER will i do anything w/her that involves money, but i am ok....i can talk with her , just a bit more careful in the relationship....i am learning...i am a work in progress
Really like what you've shared. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I experienced many times where I would feel anxiety over things (not really knowing where the anxiety was coming from at the time). I developed some phobias and just got to a point where the anxiety was a constant in my life. Always had that feeling inside me that basically made me sick....took it with me to work and had it at home, even when I was doing the most relaxing things. It got so bad that I went to my physician and he prescribed me medication to help with the anxiety.
I was glad to have it......to get rid of that anxiety. It worked, but unfortunately, too well. I began to really feel nothing. I knew in my mind that there were issues that I needed to address in my life. But I wasn't feeling my feelings any longer. I went off the medication with my doctors help, and whammo!...My emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I began seeing a therapist regularly, and she helped me realize that suffering is all part of the healing process. She taught me how to suffer well. Not always easy.....but I know that it is all a process....a temporary thing.
I am not knocking medication by any means. I know for many it is something that is truly needed and highly effective. For me though, it was used as a way to mask my feelings, to avoid working and experiencing them. Instead of dealing with my "issues" and working through them, I was told that I should numb myself and it would all be better. My emotional problems that I surpressed for so long became a physical problem within my body. That was the warning sign for me that I needed to finally deal with my pain and begin the process of suffering and eventually get myself on the "road" to healing.
Thanks for reading:)
Nice to see you... hope all is going well in your world
Dave
I suffer when I was a child and i still have lots of negative feelings that I can't manage with them but I try now very hard to work on them and I hope that all will work out for me well with the help of my HP.
Thanks Davi
I do believe they will work out because you have met suffering and faced it... good things will come with faith in yourself and faith in your HP
Dave