That was the message I got from my parents. There is a third part of that statement that I inferred and internalized, and that was "...because you're not good enough."

As I work on my recovery, I've become increasingly - and startlingly - aware of just how much of my life has been guided by that distorted way of thinking about myself and the world and people around me.

I was reading an article yesterday that helped me clarify my understanding of this. Much like this person's experience, my mother was a rageaholic who could erupt without warning. I am also learning to accept the truth that she was also controlling and emotionally unavailable for whatever reasons.

I seemed to be attracted to people who could not make up their minds how they felt about me. Women who would draw me close, then push me away. "I love you...but I don't want you (...because you're not good enough.)" Eventually I just gave up on relationships...and myself.

I married my first wife because she was different - she acted as if wanted me. It was too late before I realized that she was not only ACOA, but another rageaholic who also sent me messages that I wasn't good enough, but by way of constant verbal abuse instead of emotional unavailability. Being the doormat that I was, with zero self-esteem, I suffered through that for twelve long years.

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We have to uncover before we recover - that well-worn mantra holds true for a reason. With denial being such an integral part of my survival throughout my life, it is extremely painful and upsetting when I'm able to strip away that denial and see the cold, hard truth. In this instance it is the uncovering of one of the most deeply buried truths yet: that my mother wounded me in early childhood in ways that have cost me dearly throughout my life.

So many internalized messages have kept the denial intact. Aren't we supposed to revere our mothers? Shouldn't I be able to "just let it go?" But I am learning that I can't let something go until I own it first, and unearthing something that has been buried under decades of denial, processing it, and letting it go isn't something I can do in a free afternoon. I think well-meaning people encourage me to "let it go" because they think I've been suffering from years of resentment - actually, I've been suffering from decades of denial. Perhaps the buried feelings have generated a sort of underground resentment that manages to find its way out at times, but mostly I think it turns in on itself. I NEED to let these feelings surface.

OMG, I feel as if I'm rambling all over the place. I'm just in an emotionally raw place right now. In the long run this is likely a good thing - each time I peel back another layer of the onion, recovery soon follows. I just have to keep trusting HP and the program to help me heal.

Thanks for listening. Here's a link to the article that popped the cork on all this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2155872/First-person--I-accept-mother-s-anger-lose-love.html#ixzz1xQOk7p2d