acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
This week I got a real test for how well I'm working my program, and I'd like to share it with you good people.
Prior to recovery, my life was a series of entanglements with various drama addicts - some as intimate relationships (including and especially my first marriage to a fellow ACOA), others as friendships. Even after I got into recovery, they kept seeming to find me, but I was at least learning to recognize the red flags, and even begin to do what was necessary to take care of myself and not get entangled in that endless whirlwind of drama like I used to allow to happen.
This week, however, I came face to face with the architect of that unhealthy addiction - the person who honed drama and guilt to a high art, someone with whom I have learned to maintain a carefully choreographed dance, a person whose drama skills are so nuanced, whose button-pushing ability is so refined, that I have been able to keep it hidden beneath a veneer of denial...until now:
My mother.
Since my father's death in February, she has experienced the decline of her own health - including a sudden and severe loss of eyesight - to the point that she checked herself into the nursing home a couple of months ago (same room my father was in, no less.) Everyone agreed that this was for the best, as it's hard for someone with diabetes and vision loss to monitor & manage their glucose & insulin.
A couple of years prior she had given me power of attorney and access to her checking account. I met with her bank and established online access to the account (in her presence) so I could monitor account activity and pay any bills that needed paying. (She continues to manage her affairs, including bills, with the assistance of nursing home staff.)
A couple of weeks ago I received a bill in the mail from a medical lab for a test that was denied by Medicare. Not really sure why they sent it to my address, but there it was and it needed to be dealt with. Last week I made the payment online and notified the nursing home to make sure the transaction was recorded.
A couple of days ago I got a call at work. It was my mom, and she was completely bent out of shape. She immediately began to talk about how hurt and angry she was that I would do something without consulting her first. I said that I had no intention of stepping on her toes. Her reply was, "You stepped on my heart!" At that point my program kicked in (thank you, HP!) and I refused to get sucked into the vortex of drama & guilt. Instead, I simply said that going forward, if anything like this shows up at my house, I'll simply forward it on to her. That seemed to settle her down and smooth things over.
So that was Phase One. Phase Two came to me as I was processing it all later, and it became clear to me what she had done: jumped to a conclusion and assumed the worst about me, JUST LIKE SHE REPEATEDLY DID IN MY CHILDHOOD. That was when some very old rage came to the surface. I see that as a good thing, because this experience has fractured that carefully-applied veneer of denial that I mentioned earlier and has forced me to face reality, and deal with some ancient feelings that I denied myself originally in order to survive. HP has led me to this place so that I might learn something, and I need the honesty, openness, and willingness to be taught so that I might learn and grow from it.
It's at times like this when I am especially grateful for my program and the things it teaches me. The tools I have learned in Al-Anon allowed me to take care of myself in this highly triggering situation and keep it from escalating into a hot mess of drama and regression.
OMG, it really does work if I work it!
~~hugs~~
Prior to recovery, my life was a series of entanglements with various drama addicts - some as intimate relationships (including and especially my first marriage to a fellow ACOA), others as friendships. Even after I got into recovery, they kept seeming to find me, but I was at least learning to recognize the red flags, and even begin to do what was necessary to take care of myself and not get entangled in that endless whirlwind of drama like I used to allow to happen.
This week, however, I came face to face with the architect of that unhealthy addiction - the person who honed drama and guilt to a high art, someone with whom I have learned to maintain a carefully choreographed dance, a person whose drama skills are so nuanced, whose button-pushing ability is so refined, that I have been able to keep it hidden beneath a veneer of denial...until now:
My mother.
Since my father's death in February, she has experienced the decline of her own health - including a sudden and severe loss of eyesight - to the point that she checked herself into the nursing home a couple of months ago (same room my father was in, no less.) Everyone agreed that this was for the best, as it's hard for someone with diabetes and vision loss to monitor & manage their glucose & insulin.
A couple of years prior she had given me power of attorney and access to her checking account. I met with her bank and established online access to the account (in her presence) so I could monitor account activity and pay any bills that needed paying. (She continues to manage her affairs, including bills, with the assistance of nursing home staff.)
A couple of weeks ago I received a bill in the mail from a medical lab for a test that was denied by Medicare. Not really sure why they sent it to my address, but there it was and it needed to be dealt with. Last week I made the payment online and notified the nursing home to make sure the transaction was recorded.
A couple of days ago I got a call at work. It was my mom, and she was completely bent out of shape. She immediately began to talk about how hurt and angry she was that I would do something without consulting her first. I said that I had no intention of stepping on her toes. Her reply was, "You stepped on my heart!" At that point my program kicked in (thank you, HP!) and I refused to get sucked into the vortex of drama & guilt. Instead, I simply said that going forward, if anything like this shows up at my house, I'll simply forward it on to her. That seemed to settle her down and smooth things over.
So that was Phase One. Phase Two came to me as I was processing it all later, and it became clear to me what she had done: jumped to a conclusion and assumed the worst about me, JUST LIKE SHE REPEATEDLY DID IN MY CHILDHOOD. That was when some very old rage came to the surface. I see that as a good thing, because this experience has fractured that carefully-applied veneer of denial that I mentioned earlier and has forced me to face reality, and deal with some ancient feelings that I denied myself originally in order to survive. HP has led me to this place so that I might learn something, and I need the honesty, openness, and willingness to be taught so that I might learn and grow from it.
It's at times like this when I am especially grateful for my program and the things it teaches me. The tools I have learned in Al-Anon allowed me to take care of myself in this highly triggering situation and keep it from escalating into a hot mess of drama and regression.
OMG, it really does work if I work it!
~~hugs~~
Good for you! Way to Work Your Program... I envy you for Sure this Week, when I Feel I have been Weaker under my HP, due to Over load, and I have pretty much allow any and all to trample me repeatedly for I can't get back to my Feet...
My Cody Mom decided that once I became a Mother she would Shift Gears, and Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach most days... Because when I was a child I could do NOTHING correct or RIGHT in her Eyes, and Now since i'm a Mom, and have a Child of my Own, ALL I Hear is How Wonderful I am, and How I'm such a Great Mom to my Son, and I AM SO MUCH LIKE HER !!! .... Ick Ick Ick...
Im Glad you had the courage to deal with your mom on her level, and then save the rage for your own healing, I beleive rage is another Emotion that I too Must FEEL in order to help manage it, however not always an Easy thing mixed in with my "Cody behavior & Bullheadedness"... but I have learned so much from the program, I just need to Regain what is lost, and what I have allow to lay by the way side... I have Dropped the Ball I Suppose...
Prayin to get it back, THANK YOU A1 for your Inspiration :0) I NEEDED IT .... Way to Work your Program...
Friends in Recovery, Hugs & Prayers
1ness
That is great... you are a great example of how the program works... as I was reading it I was thinking how this past week how I was trying to be lured back into a web of deceit ... from my ex... at first I wanted to respond and "fight back" then realized that some things and some people will never change... that doesn't mean I have to change back into my old ways...
And your share just reinforced to me that I did do the right thing
Thanks for being here,
Dave
i think u did a great job figuring this out and taking care of you
Oh my goodness.....Re. it became clear to me what she had done: jumped to a conclusion and assumed the worst about me, JUST LIKE SHE REPEATEDLY DID IN MY CHILDHOOD. That was when some very old rage came to the surface.
When I read that it took me right back. One of the things I have truly had to come to terms with is that my mother never stood up for me . She threw me under the bus many times. She sided with other people and sacrificed me to protect her own interests. It is a dreadful feeling. My rage was (and still sometimes is) understandable.
I remember feeling utterly incensed at the injustice of it all. I watched the film the Omen as I used to pray I had such powers to cause such harm to those who I felt had severely let me down.
Without this program I would be/go insane.
I truly identify A1 and my god, you have handled this situation with such grace and wisdom.
Big hug for you.
Karen xx