acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
My journey into recovery has been underway a bit over ten years now. It seems to be a cyclical journey, in that I have times of great serenity and relative health and wholeness, and at other times I experience great turmoil as another layer gets peeled back and I have newly revealed pain to confront and work through. Gratefully I'm learning not to deny those times of turmoil, but to rather embrace them as opportunities to heal and grow.
I belong to a fantastic f2f Al-Anon group that bases our weekly study on the CAL book, "Paths to Recovery." My HP led me to this group just as the book was being finished (having taken several years) and we've now begun it anew; what a great way to work the Steps!
As I'm fond of telling my group, I may not have grown up in an alcoholic home, but I might as well have. Many of the dynamics of a dysfunctional family of origin seem to be the same, whether alcoholism is directly involved or not. See if some of what I experienced resonates in your own life story:
- Emotional chaos. There was little predictability in how my parents would react to me or to life circumstances. One occasion might be met with indifference, the next time with blind rage. As adults, we learn in Step One that we are powerless, but as children we aren't yet capable of that kind of acceptance, so we internalize this emotional inconsistency and assume responsibility. My parents contributed to this by sending the message that it was my fault.
- "Don't Feel" rules. While explosive rage was a frequent visitor in my family life, I was forbidden to express anger in any way. Sadness was also frowned upon (no pun intended.) Is it any wonder I have battled depression off and on throughout my life?
- Invalidation/mixed messages. "You're too sensitive!" "You shouldn't feel that way!" And then I get asked why I don't share anything about what's going on with me? This dynamic cost me my ability to trust.
I am very thankful for recovery and for the Twelve Steps. As I'm also fond of mentioning, dysfunction is the gift that keeps on giving - it perpetuates itself from one generation to another in families. The dysfunction in my family goes back who knows how far (and although my own parents and grandparents were not alcoholic, other family members were, and one does not have to know or even meet an alcoholic family member to have one's life affected by it.) But, thanks to recovery, we have the opportunity to bring healing not only to ourselves, but to future generations, putting a break in that long chain of dysfunction.
I'm grateful to have found what appears to be a safe and welcoming community of fellow travelers.
Peace for the journey,
Patrick
I belong to a fantastic f2f Al-Anon group that bases our weekly study on the CAL book, "Paths to Recovery." My HP led me to this group just as the book was being finished (having taken several years) and we've now begun it anew; what a great way to work the Steps!
As I'm fond of telling my group, I may not have grown up in an alcoholic home, but I might as well have. Many of the dynamics of a dysfunctional family of origin seem to be the same, whether alcoholism is directly involved or not. See if some of what I experienced resonates in your own life story:
- Emotional chaos. There was little predictability in how my parents would react to me or to life circumstances. One occasion might be met with indifference, the next time with blind rage. As adults, we learn in Step One that we are powerless, but as children we aren't yet capable of that kind of acceptance, so we internalize this emotional inconsistency and assume responsibility. My parents contributed to this by sending the message that it was my fault.
- "Don't Feel" rules. While explosive rage was a frequent visitor in my family life, I was forbidden to express anger in any way. Sadness was also frowned upon (no pun intended.) Is it any wonder I have battled depression off and on throughout my life?
- Invalidation/mixed messages. "You're too sensitive!" "You shouldn't feel that way!" And then I get asked why I don't share anything about what's going on with me? This dynamic cost me my ability to trust.
I am very thankful for recovery and for the Twelve Steps. As I'm also fond of mentioning, dysfunction is the gift that keeps on giving - it perpetuates itself from one generation to another in families. The dysfunction in my family goes back who knows how far (and although my own parents and grandparents were not alcoholic, other family members were, and one does not have to know or even meet an alcoholic family member to have one's life affected by it.) But, thanks to recovery, we have the opportunity to bring healing not only to ourselves, but to future generations, putting a break in that long chain of dysfunction.
I'm grateful to have found what appears to be a safe and welcoming community of fellow travelers.
Peace for the journey,
Patrick
(((Welcome)))
I just loved reading your share. I relate to it so so much. ......the hurt and confusion , the struggle to trust . Feeling an inappropriate/exagerated sense of responsibility is something I struggle with . Something good happens - it's not due to me - something horrible happens - it's my fault. I have SO much learning to do. I feel way too over-responsible for other adults. It's crazy! But, I am getting so much better thanks to this program. I just love the Alanon Courage to Change book.
I am fairly new to Acoa stuff. I too am in Alanon - I arrived there via AA. I am sober 9 years ODAAT. I love 12 step programs and I know I need a 12 Step program to be able to function in this world.
I have learned so much from the lovely kind wise folk here. It's a lovely place.
I wish you peace on your journey and that all beautiful things come your way.
I feel blessed to have met others similar to me through the fellowships and now here!!! . It is so comforting.
(((HUGs))))
Karen
And welcome home. You are so right dysfunction is dysfunction as far as our childhoods... alcohol at times may have made it easier to explain the dysfunction... but in my family alcohol was the life of dysfunction.
I grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. And for years I kept that fact a secret. I mean long after they were dead and buried, I still hid the fact that they were alcoholics.
It wasn't until I admitted and accepted my own alcoholism that I really began looking at my own life and how I got to that point.
The 12 Steps of AA started me on a life long journey. It helped me to see that things could change, but I still felt like something was missing, so I ventured into Alanon and CODA meetings and began to understand a little more about myself... and finally when I found ACA/ACOA is when everything began to make perfect sense.
We are a small little group here.... but the folks that are here are some of the wisest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. And I am honored and proud to call them my friends.
I look forward to getting to know you and thank you for being so open on your first post. Again, welcome to Sanctuary... a place where we are all home...
Dave
How's the water?
M
Welcome to our family! You will definitely find all the emotional support and help here. I know I always do find it here and looking forward to your shares.
Mukti
This group here is awesome! I have grown so much and really my life has changed for the better.....
So Welcome and looking forward to getting to know you!
Stills