acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
As I was reading about the situation 1Ness with your SIL, I have been thinking back about all of us here and our situations. We all seem to have one (or more) of people like this in our lives. I think everyone does. They like us just the way we have been and fight like heck when we try to grow and become different people. less pliant, less guilt driven, less people pleasers.
For me, the real problem is how i feel about when I do finally set up boundaries. How do I noty react when my buttons are pushed in a big way. Because, in my case, my sister, knows exactly how to make me feel miserable about not doing things her way. She's had many years of practice. These bullies, which is what they are, do not like to have anyone stand up to them. Dissent is met with emotional carpet bombing it seems. It has for me, over those years, seemed easier to just go along rather than have my life even more disrupted by her anger.
It just seems that we have to keep on going forward, rearranging the priorities in our lives to first, take care of ourselves, then our immediate family, spouses, partners, (fur-babies), Like Dave said about not being responsible for them, no matter how much they don't like it.
If I give in because it is unpleasant, I will just be more at her mercy. The bottom line is we are trying to recover and 'they" can't stand it. Well, you know what? Too d@%&* bad!!!!!
M
For me, the real problem is how i feel about when I do finally set up boundaries. How do I noty react when my buttons are pushed in a big way. Because, in my case, my sister, knows exactly how to make me feel miserable about not doing things her way. She's had many years of practice. These bullies, which is what they are, do not like to have anyone stand up to them. Dissent is met with emotional carpet bombing it seems. It has for me, over those years, seemed easier to just go along rather than have my life even more disrupted by her anger.
It just seems that we have to keep on going forward, rearranging the priorities in our lives to first, take care of ourselves, then our immediate family, spouses, partners, (fur-babies), Like Dave said about not being responsible for them, no matter how much they don't like it.
If I give in because it is unpleasant, I will just be more at her mercy. The bottom line is we are trying to recover and 'they" can't stand it. Well, you know what? Too d@%&* bad!!!!!
M
Very Well Said Ms. M :) I Do see that with my cituation as well... and all around me, and she is indeed one of those that does not accept that NO is a complete sentence because NO ONE Can tell HER NO...
Frackly I know ALOT of this Is My Fault Mainly because I have aloud it for the last 14 years as to "Not Cause Any Ripples"... And the Results well they speak for there self... Fun how as I type this, I realize in Allowing this Relationship to fester as it has, I was allowing her to do to me as My Mother did as A Child... if there is No Ripples there is No Problem... WOW...
I just got off the phone with a Dear Sweet Al-Anon Member she is 80 years old with 25+ in Al-Anon/Recovery... And She Thanked me for removing my Rose colored Glasses and seeing her for what she is... Now As she states, its time to Let Go & Move On... My Recovery Depends on it!!!
And I Am Worth it , We all are... I'm Tired of being bullied at 37 years old... I want to Live Life to the Fullest with those that have that in mind as well... With those that are supportive, yet also allow me to Support them without Strings attached... I have never had the relationships I found in Al-Anon/ACOA before i Walked into the rooms... but I can say, that the Relationships I have had over the years... None were as Stressful or More Work for me then that one...
I HAVE BEEN FREE'D... By the Grace of God... I have seen the light, and now it time for healing & Moving on... So Glad that you are all here...
In my thoughts & Prayers M... Chin Up & Chargin On...
1Ness =)
She is not an evil person. Not a bad person but I have seldom ever said no to her and she doesn't like it. I take my part of the responsibility. Not all of it. I think she doesn't want to be bothered to treat her sister with kindness a lot of times. I allowed it though.
You're way ahead of the game if you "get it" now. I am pushing on 60 with both hands and am finally waking up.
M
I've noticed that as I work at changing - it impacts others - change back please - it worked better for them when I was the ear, the giver, the provider, the pleaser, and/or fill in the blank. Sadly, in some situations, as I've established boundaries, I am no longer "useful" to some. As much as this hurts - I guess on the positive side, I am no longer allowing myself to "be used." And, I do have more peace day-to-day. It is hard though, to let go, especially when it results in yet another loss.
Obvious to say it was the last time I said no to him. I didn't learn nothing that day or for years after that but now looking back on it... some folks will just never ever accept us for who we are... they love us as doormats and nothing else.
It used to bother me... anymore I just accept it and realize it is more their loss then mine...
Dave
"I HAVE BEEN FREE'D... By the Grace of God... I have seen the light, and now it time for healing & Moving on... "
The reason I like it is because it reminds me of one of folks I have admired in my recovery and that is Martin Luther King, jr....
"Free at last, free at last... thank God Almighty I'm free at last"
It has caused me tremendous pain too to face the facts re somebody else's behaviour and character traits. I have not wanted to accept much that I see - it was almost too painful. Yes, I use that word bullies too. Bullies who react badly if they don't get their own way or we don't do things their way.
I often say to myself too- but Karen, you allowed it. Yes that aspect is perhaps there but they took advantage. I am allowed to inventory them to be able to discern how to protect myself and who to protect myself from.
I would love to live in a world where I can give and know that folks are not going to take advantage. I learn from everything and sometimes that is very painful.
I have often thought that after some major life changing event that that person would mellow and change. That that life event may bring us closer together. My expectations have rarely been met in that area.
Family members have been the most disapointing - but I have to say I get angry with myself at my own insanity for expecting a different result.........I seem to always say to myself........maybe THIS time?????
I am so sorry you are going through this pain ((M))
With lots of love
Karen xx
really, ya know, as i recover, she doesn't push my buttons so bad, like the texting she keeps doing....I just ignore them and it really makes me feel the power in in MY hands , not hers....b/c to her, I am ignoring/rejecting her and I KNOW that trips her trigger.............karma is a bitch!!!