acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
As an alcoholic, I avoid things that I know I can easily become addictive to. Gambling would fall into that category. I've got a few friends who love to gamble. They'll make weekend adventures out of it and sometimes they'll come home with money and sometimes they'll come home broke.
I recently met a family who spends their Christmas season in Vegas. They gamble for a week... things like this just blow my mind with how folks can just "play" with their money.
Now I'm not saying I'm squeaky clean. I do play the lottery... at most I get two tickets a week. Nothing serious and that is it. I have never stepped foot in a casino just because of my fear of becoming addicted to it.
Anyway, I was relaxing tonight and meditating on my past financial disasters. Almost all of them were a form of gambling.
I would write a check on Wednesday and race to the bank on Friday when I got my paycheck just to make sure the check didn't bounce. And when I succeeded I felt a natural high, that I beat the system.
But then eventually, I would be late and get hit with overdraft charges and it would snowball from there. I used to look at it as a way to manage money I didn't have and was just trying to survive.
The truth is... I was gambling... and in time I became addicted to that lifestyle and the drama it brought. The ultimate high when I didn't bounce a check, then total shame when it did happen. A horrible way to live.
This past year, for the first time in well over 30 years, I am debt free. I quit my form of gambling three years ago and began to accept responsibility for my finances. I look back now and see how insane that lifestyle was.
Living paycheck to paycheck... bounced check to bounced check...
As an ACOA, I finally grew up and realized that if I had some money in my wallet, it wouldn't burn a hole in it if I didn't spend it.
Recovery has taught me that I can make money work for me and not have me work for money... it is a lot more peaceful and I don't miss the drama at all...
I recently met a family who spends their Christmas season in Vegas. They gamble for a week... things like this just blow my mind with how folks can just "play" with their money.
Now I'm not saying I'm squeaky clean. I do play the lottery... at most I get two tickets a week. Nothing serious and that is it. I have never stepped foot in a casino just because of my fear of becoming addicted to it.
Anyway, I was relaxing tonight and meditating on my past financial disasters. Almost all of them were a form of gambling.
I would write a check on Wednesday and race to the bank on Friday when I got my paycheck just to make sure the check didn't bounce. And when I succeeded I felt a natural high, that I beat the system.
But then eventually, I would be late and get hit with overdraft charges and it would snowball from there. I used to look at it as a way to manage money I didn't have and was just trying to survive.
The truth is... I was gambling... and in time I became addicted to that lifestyle and the drama it brought. The ultimate high when I didn't bounce a check, then total shame when it did happen. A horrible way to live.
This past year, for the first time in well over 30 years, I am debt free. I quit my form of gambling three years ago and began to accept responsibility for my finances. I look back now and see how insane that lifestyle was.
Living paycheck to paycheck... bounced check to bounced check...
As an ACOA, I finally grew up and realized that if I had some money in my wallet, it wouldn't burn a hole in it if I didn't spend it.
Recovery has taught me that I can make money work for me and not have me work for money... it is a lot more peaceful and I don't miss the drama at all...
You no that sweet little ol' granny I Speak of, well she isn't just an alcoholic, she is a HUGE Gambler as well.. Tip Jars, Lotto, Raffles, vending lotto, and God Help Vegas if she ever makes it there! My Father, also got had the gambling bug, and his other two siblings as well! And YES... I Too Bit the Gambling bug when I sat in the bars & would drink! I NEVER did it tho, till my bills were paid, but like you said that spare change in my pocket afterwards, was Open game to the Tip jars...
Its Funny really because I Only really gambled in the bar my dad worked in... And one year on his Birthday we Drank in excess as we Always did, and someone came in and started a fight with my afather who was 1/2 past out to begin with, and to make the long of it short, I got into a fight with this guy, "Literly" and I got "Bar'd" From this Place for 30 days... Well My Hard head, and Stubburnness, said... "Well he started It & Will be Damned if I"m going to step foot in a place that would bar me for defending MY DAD who worked in the joint!
The Ironic thing was it took MONTHS for me to realize just how bad I was Gambling... I Could not figure out how I had money every friday at payday, and wasn't struggling near as much! And when my husband & I sat and talked about it one day, he said... "Do you realize that since we were bar'd...We have an Extra $1,000.00 a Month?" I was in SHOCK!!! I never seen myself as a Gambler... Because I always paid my bills, but that was a wake up, and I now know... Those things "I" Personally can't handle or be around...
and what you mentioned about the bouncing checks... Well My ASister did that for Years... and I Guess Seeing how "CRAZY" it made her, helped me not go there! She would ride that High.... Like Haaaaa I got you this time, and then Next paycheck she would get a $30 overdraft, $25. Bounced Check Fee... And she would sink to her low...
Currently I too am working Harder... (Prob. could do better) at getting my finances to a comfortable place so as not to OVER Spend... My Biggest Glitch seems to be "Credit Cards"... My Store Credit cards I keep to save the money on coupons they send, and I do Religously pay them Each Month in Full so as Not to get charged 24.99% interest... but My Personal Credit Cards (10.99%) at times, can get overwelming... I have Not Past $2,500... But it would be so easy to do... and I do feel at times, like Even tho I'm doing much better, I could still do... ALOT More!
So THANK YOU Again for this Post & Your Honesty... Because I Needed to see & HEAR that I can do better in this, and I'm Not the only one "Gambling" with my Life & My Finances... Glad you are Here My Friend...Wishing You A Wonderful Up & Coming Birthday Celebration, and also a Wonderful Holiday :)
Love & Hugs & Prayers
ONENESS :)
Maryn
I spent years filled with shame because of money... it got to the point where I was scared to pay a bill because in my mind I KNEW I had to forgotten some other bill... I was paralyzed when I had a little extra money after the bills were paid... I MUST have forgotten something.
Those old messages would fill my mind that I wasn't intelligent enough to manage money.... it is very freeing to know I can manage these things and feel confident about it...