acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
In 2006, I took my wife on a trip halfway across our country, from Nebraska to New Jersey, to see the country, meet some of my family and for me it was a last ditch effort to save my marriage.
At the end of that two week vacation I knew my marriage was over. We were living together, sharing a house and nothing else. We weren't even sharing a bedroom... we were nothing more then roommates in that house.
I knew then that my marriage was dead but I wasn't sure how to end it or move on from it... the main problem was a mountain of medical bills and other past due bills. The thoughts of it all set me into depression. I still went to work and functioned but I quit living.
By the end of 2007, I was brought back to reality and saw how low I had sunk. My boss took me aside one morning and told me that my personal hygiene was not acceptable for the job I had. I had never been so ashamed in my whole life and I apologized to her for putting her in that uncomfortable position.
That day I started my new life. I went home and tore apart my bedroom and washed everything in it and then washed myself. I vowed that never again would I put anybody in that awkward position. That was three years ago.
A couple of weeks ago, this same boss and I were working on a project together. We were on a deadline and just working in silence. She broke the silence and said, "You smell so damn nice." It just totally came out of nowhere. I thanked her and began thinking what have I done differently? The answer was nothing... I had been doing the same thing ever since that first conversation.
At the time it was awkward for her to say that... but it also changed my life.
And I got to see it in another way about two months ago. This time it was with my apartment. It is clean... not spotless but clean. Anyway for some reason I had a couple of months where the bugs were getting to be more then a nuisance. This complex has a bug sprayer who comes by once a month and I caught him one day and asked what I was doing wrong. He looked at me and said it wasn't me, he said I had one of the cleanest apartments in the building... that it was my neighbor... and his lack of housekeeping that was giving me my problems with the bugs.
OK, I now have a plan in action on how to stop the invasion and more importantly someone else telling me I was clean.
And it happened again this past Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. This building is getting all new windows. I saw them at my neighbors replacing his and I knew I would be next. Finally a knock at the door and I opened it and the contractor was a little hesitant about entering my apartment. And he finally took a deep breath and said "Oh fresh air." He complimented me on the nice fresh air in my apartment and after working in my neighbors apartment, mine would be quite enjoyable.
I do believe there is some connection between spiritual cleanliness and physical cleanliness. Towards the end of my marriage I still was practicing the 12 Steps sponsoring two people but I wasn't "clean" my soul was suffering and it took my physical appearance to show me that, for me, physically and spiritually clean had to be kindred spirits working together...
And this Thanksgiving season I am thankful for the "clean" in me
Dave
At the end of that two week vacation I knew my marriage was over. We were living together, sharing a house and nothing else. We weren't even sharing a bedroom... we were nothing more then roommates in that house.
I knew then that my marriage was dead but I wasn't sure how to end it or move on from it... the main problem was a mountain of medical bills and other past due bills. The thoughts of it all set me into depression. I still went to work and functioned but I quit living.
By the end of 2007, I was brought back to reality and saw how low I had sunk. My boss took me aside one morning and told me that my personal hygiene was not acceptable for the job I had. I had never been so ashamed in my whole life and I apologized to her for putting her in that uncomfortable position.
That day I started my new life. I went home and tore apart my bedroom and washed everything in it and then washed myself. I vowed that never again would I put anybody in that awkward position. That was three years ago.
A couple of weeks ago, this same boss and I were working on a project together. We were on a deadline and just working in silence. She broke the silence and said, "You smell so damn nice." It just totally came out of nowhere. I thanked her and began thinking what have I done differently? The answer was nothing... I had been doing the same thing ever since that first conversation.
At the time it was awkward for her to say that... but it also changed my life.
And I got to see it in another way about two months ago. This time it was with my apartment. It is clean... not spotless but clean. Anyway for some reason I had a couple of months where the bugs were getting to be more then a nuisance. This complex has a bug sprayer who comes by once a month and I caught him one day and asked what I was doing wrong. He looked at me and said it wasn't me, he said I had one of the cleanest apartments in the building... that it was my neighbor... and his lack of housekeeping that was giving me my problems with the bugs.
OK, I now have a plan in action on how to stop the invasion and more importantly someone else telling me I was clean.
And it happened again this past Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. This building is getting all new windows. I saw them at my neighbors replacing his and I knew I would be next. Finally a knock at the door and I opened it and the contractor was a little hesitant about entering my apartment. And he finally took a deep breath and said "Oh fresh air." He complimented me on the nice fresh air in my apartment and after working in my neighbors apartment, mine would be quite enjoyable.
I do believe there is some connection between spiritual cleanliness and physical cleanliness. Towards the end of my marriage I still was practicing the 12 Steps sponsoring two people but I wasn't "clean" my soul was suffering and it took my physical appearance to show me that, for me, physically and spiritually clean had to be kindred spirits working together...
And this Thanksgiving season I am thankful for the "clean" in me
Dave
That has been my experience. If I am really low I have to be really disciplined with the basics - as in making sure my bedroom doesn't become a major nightmare with stuff all over the place - (though sometimes I can be a bit untidy which I think is still a bit of rebellion against my father's almost military rules). But I guess really I am talking about stuff like making myself brush my teeth. That is always a sign to me that I am 'out of kilter' so to speak - I think "oh I'll do them later" NO you won't Karen. You will do them now.
Good for you on taking action. It can be so difficult to motivate ourselves I think when we're low. I have to be disciplined with myself at those times. I remember when I was really low that my sponsor had me list everything I needed to do in the morning - right down to 'getting out of bed'. I just robotically followed the list - didn't give myself the chance to "think" my way out of it.
I am very thankful for that lady.
(((Hugs)))
Karen
I think you are one of the most couageous people I've ever "met". I am always amazed by how you are willing to put anything and everything out there to help people. The very personal triumphs and tragedies, anguish and humiliation; nothing is held back. For the good of others.
That you would share this story of such an embarassing moment, to show how you triumphed over it, took it in your stride instead of letting it plow you under,as a learning experience only, and moved on down the road. Wow! You are incredible! Really!
I guess it re-enforces for me that sometimes you do have to let yourself get right down to the bottom to give yourself a place to launch yourself from. You not only carried it with you but have used it keep yourself sorted out. You used a bad experiece is a completely constructive way. You have taken it to an art form!
M
About the connection between spiritual cleanliness and physical one, I can sure see how one affects the other. For me, I unfortunately go to the other extreme. I use cleaning as a tool to avoid dealing with how I feel. It's usually a reflection of unaddressed issues of some sort. Now that I am aware of it, I try very much to not become obsessive and sit there a bit and actually pinpoint what drives me. Can't say that I'm always successful, but I'm working on it.
Dave, your journey continues to be an inspiration to me. Thanks so much for sharing.
I think when we feel lousy on the inside, we tend to let go of the outside. We dont feel we deserve to care for ourselves and therefor we neglect the little things we can do to show our self care. I never thought about this until reading your post but i too have changed. The past year i have taken more of an interest in my home. I have never been a total slob, but cleaning was low on my list of priorities. HA HA Now I find if my room is not clean and organized, i can not sleep. I need to have a little order. I was never like that. Even my kids have noticed i am on them more about picking up after themselves and being responsible for the things they own.
I guess it is just another affirmation that we are getting healthier in this journey. :)
I do believe that... it is a sense of order I can control... like I said I'm far from a neat freak but not a slob either.
I can so relate to this and thanks for being so open and honest about it, not always easy for me, but I have noticed that during the winter months, I tend to be "Less" attractive then when I am in the spring or fall... I do not like winter in the north, and if I had the means I would most likely be a Carolina gal...lol...
Also in the winter my "spirit" tends to droop, and I find myself down in the dumps more then not... I know alot of it still has to do with Dad's Death, and Birthday, and all that, but I have NEVER Liked winter, not even as a child...
I know that this time of year I have to work Extra Hard had feeling good about myself, and sometimes something as simple as putting on a Nice Bright sweater/shirt, or something of a Happy Color does help... but doesn't always cure what ali's me... I tend to get on my pity pot alot this time of year (Hints Why i Haven't been on much)...And instead of glooming up everyone else, I tend to go "Inward"...
I am aware of it, and have not found a working cure yet, but my husband and I have been working on somethings that i hope will at one point or another, help me get it together a little better...
I'm so glad you brought this up because Today I needed to Hear it, Sorry I missed everyone for Thanksgiving, Hope to do better...
Love, Hugs & Prayers
1ness :0)