(((Dave)))
January 17th is a date I used to give much fear to - it just brought back such memories. I now try to navigate those feelings and fears that re-emerge by telling myself that each day is a new day and were it not for humans having invented the calendar we would not have a conception of a yearly reminder of these things......they would have happened and we remember them sometimes briefly and sometimes more deeply with thoughts that come and go.....not on a fixed date which can bring back distress. It probably sounds utterly crazy and a weird way to think but ....it was a way I have used to deal with it. I feel dates in a calendar are man made - the world and eternity is not. Those are only my feelings and my way. I had to find a way to stop that date causing such fear and sadness for me.
Sending you love and hugs,
Karen

Dave,

I am so sorry. Seems sometimes fate kicks you when you are down. To have those events one on top of another one top of another, on top of another....it must feel like the weight of the world. My trhoughts and prayers are with you. Nothing more I can say but sorry. I'm thinking of you.

M

Last year, I thought I had finally moved past this date... and today proved to me how much it still affects me. I went to a meeting tonight (AA) and I shared this story and this date with them and as I got halfway through it a light bulb came on. In a way it was a rude awakening but I am glad I woke up.

For years I have looked at this day as a day of mourning and wondering why all on the same day? Tonight, I realized, I don't need to mourn these folks but be grateful to my HP for bringing them into my life. They all taught me valuable lessons that I am still learning. And today they were all part of my life.

Let me explain...

Not intentionally, but I was confronted about a game I was playing. A manipulative game. Again, like I said, it wasn't intentional but after it was explained to me... I was indeed playing a game. Those games that my mom and me too, played so well.

After confronted with it, I did make amends but still felt rather bad about it all. And then I could see my "adopted" dad, sitting at the kitchen table... me and him talking over a cup of coffee. Looking over the top of his glasses.... asking me if I learned anything and I would say yes. Then he would ask me if history would repeat itself or was I done with it. He was a very laid back man... if there was some guy who I could enjoy watching the grass grow with it would be him. After I told him it was a one time mistake... that I learned my lesson... he would tell me.... good and then we would change the subject.

That 18 year old angel would smile at me, probably hug me and tell me that the person would realize how I felt and that I never meant any harm.

And my writing mentor... would tell me to do what I am doing now... writing about it. Yes, all four of them were with me today.... and I continue to learn from all four of them everyday.

I've got to remember this next year... it isn't a day of mourning but a day of gratitude because they have all played valuable parts in my life....

Hi Dave,
I remember reading a post you wrote on this day last year, and thinking, "wow... That's just terrible!" So much sadness and loss on this day for you....but I feel as though you are seeing it as it really is....as it should be. How fortunate for you to have such wonderful people in your life,....even if they did not stay for long,. To me, it proves a good lesson,....instead of feeling the loss, the sadness....we should look at it in a different light. The way our HP wants us to "see" it. Being thankful for the time we had, what we learned and experienced with these people and being thankful in part for the people we've become because of them.
Giving you a great big hug!!

((Dave))
There is a beautiful poem that I feel says it so beautifully...about people coming into our lives for a reason.....I have posted it in my DS journal. I love it....I hope you find some joy and/or comfort in it.
I realise there is something to be learned from all people who enter my life...even the ones I would sooner hadn't done. I learn from them all though.
I believe you are being looked down on from up in Heaven by these people and they are showering you with love.
I should also imagine they learnt alot from you too from the time they spent with you. It's not all one-sided.
You are indeed a blessing!
(((hugs)))
Karen

Dave, I read your post and i am sorry for your losses, but yet so happy to hear that you have found a silver lining. :)

What really struck me though is that when your mom died, you were happy. I too lost my mom at a young age and can tell you I was the only one who didnt cry. I thought wow, God finally heard me and i am free! Little did i know i was no where near free, the guilt of being happy she was gone weighed on me for years. What kind of kid must i be to wish my mom dead and be relieved when it happened? Shame was my middle name! Yet today after reading your post, it struck me.....What kind of kid was I to wish my mother dead? I was a kid who had been abused, fighting to survive and had a huge heart and did not want to hurt anymore. Your post really was a gift to me today so next year on Feb 6th you can remember that on this day you made a difference in my life!

STILLS

I read somewhere that as long as you remember someone they are still alive. In you. My parents are alive in me every time I act like a good person, because that's how they raised me. My mother is too every time I make a better choice that she did, because I learned from her pain. I had to learn that it is okay to go on, even with my grief because that is what they would have wanted and expected for me. I don't leave them behind by going forward. I carry the best of them with me.

Also,in regards to guilt, I knew a woman a long time ago who, I had met as a couple with her then husband. They divorced and we met a few years later. She told me her ex was very il, dying. And I saw this look on her face. I told her flat out, you wishing him dead did not make him sick. She looked at me in total shock. She asked how I had know it. I just said, because you are human.

To wish awful things about people you are very angry with is human. It doesn't make your thoughts happen.

M

(((((((Dave))))))

Turning grief and losses into celebration of memories is such a difficult transition, especially if people left an imprint of some kind on our souls.

Thank you for sharing how you walk through this time. You continue to inspire me with your emotional honesty and willingness to take each day as it comes.

I am glad you are here, glad you and our friends here are leaving imprints on my soul.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))))))))) I remember U telling us on the old site about 5 February----I am still amazed at how many losses U have had 2 endure.....but I also C U celebrating their LIVES more now, then thinking abaout their deaths.....I think U have come a long way, since I have met U...Hang in there my friend.....

That night, I went to a meeting and shared my thoughts about it all and how these people affected my life. And sitting next to me was my writing mentor's son.

He was in shock when I mentioned his dad and you could see the pride in his eyes that his dad meant so much to me...

It ended up being a very rewarding day...

Thanks everyone for your love and support
Dave

((((((((((DAVE)))))))))))

Very Grateful that I took the time to Sneak on Here... I Too Remeber you & I Speaking of your Feb.5 date, and Like above, I am Very Grateful that You Now see the Other side of the Greatness not of their Deaths, but Of their Lives...

I have ALWAYS been a Firm believe that those not "Here" in Form are Always Here in Heart, and Sadly for me, I get along ALOT Better with them...lol.... I Too need to Line some of my "Gloom" Days up to Blessings, Like the Intire Month of Nov... It is Funny how when we Don't even see it Coming that Damn "Light Bulb" Jumps out of No Where and Leaves us in Auhhhhh.... Sometimes for the Better.... Sometimes NOT!!! :0)

I am Very Grateful that I too get to Sit in On your Journey thru Life, I Consider you to be a True Blessing in my LIfe, and You Give me HOPE!!! Mainly Because You Keep On Growing... You don't just "Stop, Drop & Roll"... You Just Roll! I Admire that... And i have Learned So Much from your Shares.... Knowing you these last few has been an Added Blessing for me, and My Growth as well...

Besides... Without you! I Don't know that I Would have Made it thru that 1st Year without Dad... You Walked me thru so many things I Never thought I Would over come.."The 1st year Of All the 1st's without him..... So When you are sitting there, and you can see the Pride In that Gentlemans Face you Speaking of HIS Father... Know that Someone... Somewhere (Possibly East) :0) ... Is talking the Same Pride about you :)

I am Grateful that you led us to "Another" Home, a Safe Home... And that You Continue to Journey Right Along Side... Thanks always for your Post...

Friends in Recovery :^)
1ness