An outstanding question this week: "Do I have a God of love or a God of fear?"

I wonder how many people are in the rooms of 12 Step fellowships (and how many more need to be) at least in part because of a toxic religious upbringing.

As a recovering Southern Baptist, I certainly got introduced to the whole "God of fear" concept. There was no shortage of hearing preachers scream that we were all going to "burn in hay-ull" if anyone did the least thing wrong. More than that, though, was that I was introduced to a God of SHAME. The message was simple and clear: if I was suffering in my life, it was because I wasn't good enough. After hearing that message long enough, loud enough, and especially early enough, it soon enough became my identity. Pile on several decades of shame-based bad choices that ensured my continued suffering, and it only served to reinforce that central belief that I wasn't good enough.

It all changed one night as I was in the process of getting organized - "getting my affairs in order" as it were - in preparation of taking my own life. I thought about all the pain I was in, all the ways my life had failed, how I felt like an empty shell of a human being, and I just couldn't take it anymore. In my anguish I cried out, very simply, "Help me, Lord." Moments later I literally saw the following words scroll across the back of my mind:

"Don't be afraid. Get help. You're not going to BELIEVE how good your life is going to be!"

At that moment, I had something in my life that I hadn't had for a long time: hope. I also found the courage to reach out for help, first by seeing my doctor and getting on some meds, then by beginning therapy, and taking one arduous step after the next into this thing we call recovery. Along the way I began to become acquainted with a God of my understanding.

One thing he did as I was early in recovery was to lead me to a healthy church. There I experienced unconditional love, validation, and as my therapist so wisely put it, I was able to "take my rightful seat at the table of humanity." My understanding of - and relationship with - my Higher Power has only been deepened by being in the rooms of 12 Step recovery.

The God of my understanding is one who met me where I was, at my point of need and desperation. I didn't have to be "good enough," I only had to want his help and be willing to accept it. Today I understand a God who is extravagant with love, compassion and mercy. I have a Higher Power who wants me to grow, and (very patiently, I might add) will keep sending a lesson until I finally get a clue. Moreover, the God of my understanding has a sense of humor. (If the human race weren't enough proof, have you ever considered the platypus?)

I listened as several other F2F group members shared a similar path story - who were wounded by toxic religion early on, turned their backs on it and on God, and later came to a loving relationship with the God of their understanding in the rooms.