acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Ever since I wrote the thread on "Successes and Learnings," I have been in deep thought. These NLP courses that I have been taking have been a real eye opener. And while I have had acceptance with the past, it wasn't until recent events that I have seen the change in me... not short term... but through my whole life.
I apologize in advance if this gets long... not really sure where it is going to go.
As a young man, I took great pride in saying that I was raised in a violent home... in an incestuous home. It was my coat of honor. I wasn't Dave... I was a survival and took great pride when I shared my story and got praise from everyone. Looking back on it I see now how lost I really was. I survived... but isn't it human instinct to survive? What I did was nothing special - I just wanted to live. Even when I attempted suicide I wanted to live... just not in this world. Everything I did was about being a victim, getting your respect... at least I thought it was respect... but how could I get respect by being manipulative? CRAZY.
As a child, I was a late bloomer as far as growth... by the fourth grade I was the smallest kid in the class and was constantly bullied by neighborhood kids. So what does a kid do who was bullied often? I tried to please my bullies and make friends with them. Occasionally, I would luck out and make a friend. And that friend would be a friend for life. If that friend had another friend... it became a choice... either them or me? And if they chose them then I would take my ball and leave in a huff. They weren't good friends anyway!!!!
I carried this into adulthood and never really recognized it until I got into recovery. I went to four meetings a week at least. The Saturday night, Monday night, and Friday night were great meetings. The Thursday meeting I hated. Why did I go? Because my recovery buddy loved it. More then once, I wanted to kick this friend to the side of the road and let him have his Thursday meeting and take my ball and leave!!!! But for the first time in my life, I stayed and didn't act like a spoiled brat and in time I fell in love with that meeting.
That group more then any other group would not let me play the victim card... they didn't want to hear it. And up to that point... that is all I knew... how to be the victim... how to be the survivor.
I thought I had it "under control" until I found my way onto the Internet and fell in love with various message boards. Some dealing with recovery, some with sports, others dealing with spiritual matters. And I began to make friends along the way... except on one board. I reverted back to my childhood and was bullied. And like my childhood I tried everything I could to make them like me. I know CRAZY. And even thought my thought process was crazy... I was still more sane then those folks.
And by being bullied I started to fall back into my young adult role of being a victim and survivor. And it worked. I had folks praising me and how well I was doing. But it was all a charade... it wasn't me. As a child, when things went bad, I ran to different friends... "new friends"... because they had "their S*** together."
Recovery showed me that running to different meetings didn't solve anything. If I end up doing that I am again acting like a spoiled child.
What I'm getting to with this self-reflection is my past made me who I am today... but my past is NOT who I am today. Today, I'd rather spit on a bully them try and make friends with one. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt and give folks second chances. But after two chances I need to realize that I'm beyond that point in my life. It only ends up hurting me in the long run. One fact that I have learned with my own experience is that eventually bullies are left alone and all I can do for them is pray for them.
My past has shown me that my parents, like me, were human and they made human mistakes. They didn't intentionally set out to hurt me. They were sick people and I do believe I will meet the "real" them in my next life.
Today I may introduce myself as an alcoholic, or a codependent, or an adult child, or even a spiritual being. But I will NEVER introduce myself as a survivor or a victim of life because of my upbringing. And ain't that what recovery is about?
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble
Dave
I apologize in advance if this gets long... not really sure where it is going to go.
As a young man, I took great pride in saying that I was raised in a violent home... in an incestuous home. It was my coat of honor. I wasn't Dave... I was a survival and took great pride when I shared my story and got praise from everyone. Looking back on it I see now how lost I really was. I survived... but isn't it human instinct to survive? What I did was nothing special - I just wanted to live. Even when I attempted suicide I wanted to live... just not in this world. Everything I did was about being a victim, getting your respect... at least I thought it was respect... but how could I get respect by being manipulative? CRAZY.
As a child, I was a late bloomer as far as growth... by the fourth grade I was the smallest kid in the class and was constantly bullied by neighborhood kids. So what does a kid do who was bullied often? I tried to please my bullies and make friends with them. Occasionally, I would luck out and make a friend. And that friend would be a friend for life. If that friend had another friend... it became a choice... either them or me? And if they chose them then I would take my ball and leave in a huff. They weren't good friends anyway!!!!
I carried this into adulthood and never really recognized it until I got into recovery. I went to four meetings a week at least. The Saturday night, Monday night, and Friday night were great meetings. The Thursday meeting I hated. Why did I go? Because my recovery buddy loved it. More then once, I wanted to kick this friend to the side of the road and let him have his Thursday meeting and take my ball and leave!!!! But for the first time in my life, I stayed and didn't act like a spoiled brat and in time I fell in love with that meeting.
That group more then any other group would not let me play the victim card... they didn't want to hear it. And up to that point... that is all I knew... how to be the victim... how to be the survivor.
I thought I had it "under control" until I found my way onto the Internet and fell in love with various message boards. Some dealing with recovery, some with sports, others dealing with spiritual matters. And I began to make friends along the way... except on one board. I reverted back to my childhood and was bullied. And like my childhood I tried everything I could to make them like me. I know CRAZY. And even thought my thought process was crazy... I was still more sane then those folks.
And by being bullied I started to fall back into my young adult role of being a victim and survivor. And it worked. I had folks praising me and how well I was doing. But it was all a charade... it wasn't me. As a child, when things went bad, I ran to different friends... "new friends"... because they had "their S*** together."
Recovery showed me that running to different meetings didn't solve anything. If I end up doing that I am again acting like a spoiled child.
What I'm getting to with this self-reflection is my past made me who I am today... but my past is NOT who I am today. Today, I'd rather spit on a bully them try and make friends with one. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt and give folks second chances. But after two chances I need to realize that I'm beyond that point in my life. It only ends up hurting me in the long run. One fact that I have learned with my own experience is that eventually bullies are left alone and all I can do for them is pray for them.
My past has shown me that my parents, like me, were human and they made human mistakes. They didn't intentionally set out to hurt me. They were sick people and I do believe I will meet the "real" them in my next life.
Today I may introduce myself as an alcoholic, or a codependent, or an adult child, or even a spiritual being. But I will NEVER introduce myself as a survivor or a victim of life because of my upbringing. And ain't that what recovery is about?
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble
Dave
As a child in my family environment I needed to do that to avoid being physically beaten up. I wanted to be 'good' to not get beaten up. I had already become immune to their vicious demeaning comments(emotional pain). When they made a nice comment I used to get so excited thinking i was on the 'right path' and from here on in everything would be like the fairytale family I had always wanted ! No more physical pain. My joy obviously used to be short lived due to my parents alcoholism...They are steeped in this illness - even when they stop drinking.
That fear of not being liked by everybody doesn't hold me hostage anymore. I frankly couldn't give a monkeys bottom! (that's the polite version there! *giggling*) I have to be true to myself, if not I feel I am selling out. Yes I show compassion and understanding ...but even that has it's boundaries.
For my own protection (and self esteem) , in the final resort, if I feel it's necessary, I cut such users out of my life. I have to look at Karen in the mirror every morning. It used to be so tough to know others may dislike me but I refuse to sell out. If I do, I feel they are holding me hostage. Truth is, in my experience you can never do enough to please a bully anyway....the goalposts will always change. (I feel) They are like vultures waiting to head in to feast on the vulnerable. They only know Power based games.
I have to sometimes take another's inventory to be discerning and to protect myself....same as I had to take my sponsor's inventory before asking her to be my sponsor.
Pandering to and patronising such folk is in my experience no help to them in the long run either - not that I care what is good for them in the long run. That may sound harsh but it is how I feel. Oh! I wish them no harm but am indifferent to their recovery.
I refuse to be held hostage. Demanding to know that everyone likes me makes me feel sick at myself. As a child I felt I needed it to survive ...as an adult I do not.
I have taken action recently to remove somebody from my life. I felt somebody else was trying to convince me otherwise. I doubted myself..........then I got my act together once more and thought NO BLOODY WAY. I almost felt anger at the person trying to excuse this persons behaviour. It made me wonder what power this person had over the other and what on earth are their motives for trying to convince me otherwise?
I am following my heart. To thine own self be true Karen - if not you will suffer more.....you are not standing up for yourself /your inner child by letting this person play with you. (cannot share here the even more colourful lanaguage that ran through my head! *giggling* )
Of course my share relates to relationships where we have choices.....I know that in the work place etc. it is not always easy to take such action........not that simple or straightforward.....
Also I know that for me , family can also require even more thought and discernement...
I always use the Think Think Think slogan in every case.
Anyhow! Love to the lovely folks here! ...and like my lovely sponsor once asked me.......why do you care what sick people think about you Karen? I did much thinking on that.
My experience has taught me that I cannot live with pandering to such folk - it kills me far quicker and easier than telling them where to go! Ouch! Karen! Way too much caffiene this morning!!!!!
(((BIG HUG))) for you Dave!
(((Blessings for you Dave))))
REFUSAL TO SURRENDER
I refuse to be labeled,
a beggar,
filled with worries.
Dreams trampled on,
by greed and uncaring hearts.
I refuse to be trapped,
in a corner,
with few hopes, fewer choices.
Told, it can't be done,
surrender, give up.
Survival, is the way of life,
stories, nightmares,
constantly replayed.
Pain, suffering, confusion,
compounded by years in a bottle.
Reality, needs to be accepted,
doesn't need to be enjoyed.
I refuse, to accept,
a reality of defeat.
Good news,
comes to those that wait.
Is the wait worth it?
Can peace and serenity,
be achieved in...
the battlefield of the mind?
At times, feelings of loneliness,
is a dream, that is missed.
When fears and doubts,
were mine alone.
Company of others,
changes thoughts,
brings uncertainties...
so easy, to lose oneself.
A soul fighting to stay joined,
yet... independent.
I refuse to be swallowed,
in the mish-mash confusion,
of misunderstood words,
and games, I refuse to play.
Still praying...
Still searching...
for a Oneness...
an understanding... of peace...
someday... it will be found...
just praying... I'm not alone...
I always try to see the best in people but sometimes I tire of it and I have to face the reality of how that person affects me with their behaviour - of course that is only MY reality. Others may see that person differently. Alanon has taught me that I have the right to choose.
I would sooner journey alone than have nasty people on my journey or people who drag me down or play games.
((((You're never alone Dave))
A BIG hug for you!
Karen xx
I detect a lil defiance there :-)))
"I will NEVER introduce myself as a survivor or a victim of life because of my upbringing."
I always feel inspired by your determination to grow and that the past cannot hold you back. And i love your poem. And I wonder...
Can peace and serenity,
be achieved in...
the battlefield of the mind?
There have been moments of serenity here and there, but it never seems to last.
Dave, thank you for sharing your journey with us. It gives me hope.
Thank you, though I think you might be mistaken... I gain my strength and courage from others... like you... like Karen... and everyone else here and at my meetings... it is through all of you that I realize miracles and can continue to hope and pray that the best is yet to come...
Dave
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but we
are responsible for who we become...♥
And I have to Add... That I have Found Some of My Nearest & Dearest thru the Recovery of this Board, and Many Other Loving Al-Anon/ACOA Family as well.. I Love that We All get a Chance to Speak Our Minds in a Safe Place, and Share our Talents & Family (((((((((DAVE))))))) Always love to Hear Your Poems... Because I know they come from your Heart... Your Talent Never Seems to Amaze me :0) And YES, I Too Gain Courage, and Strength from You and All other that are Here....
Thanks So Much for Sharing Your Journey, and Helping Me Navigate Mine ... Much Love & Hugs & Prayers to All....
1Ness :0)
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but we
are responsible for who we become...♥
I LOVE THAT!!! Love it!!! That is going on my wall! Hurrah!
Thank you!
Going back to Dave's original post, for much of my life I defined myself by my wounds. In fact I still fall into that trap more frequently than I'd care to admit. However, I much prefer to define myself by my recovery nowadays.
may have influenced who we are, but we
are responsible for who we become...♥
That is a powerful quote... like Ai and Karen... that is a keeper