i'm going thnrogh a hard time with no one to talk to about any of it. i'm in counseling but can't go that often and don't really know if it's helping because it's not that often and i don't feel comfortable beiing totally open with my counselor. 

i;ve been thinking for a while now maybe the guy i'm sort of involved with is abusive. he doesn't hit me or say cruel things to me. it's more complicatd than that. (sorry for my typing by the way, my right hand is in a brace so i have to do eveythingv left handed and it's pretty dificult.

i was sexually abused growing up and he's the first prson i talked to about the abuse. at first it was great to have someone to talk to becasuse i'd been keeping it all to myself so long and really hating and blaming myself for everything. but the more i told him the more questions he'd ask. he'd ask for a lot of specific details and want to know exactly what was done to me and what it was like and how i responded, how it felt. i noticed after a while he was getting turned on by what i was telling him about my abuse. at first i was rally pissed about it and it made me feel gross, but then he somehow twisted it all around and ended up making me feel guilty for judging him for being turned on by my abuse. that's messed up, right?

i became kind of reliant on him because he did help me get away from a bad situation i was in and i depended on him for food and a place to stay while i struggled with everything and tried to get my life together and figure out a way to support myself. while staying with him things became sexual between us but i don't think it's in a normal or healthy way. he likes to act out scenarios from things i have told him about my abuse and keeps pumping me for more stories and information so there will be new things to act out.

this is really bad for me. i hav flashbacks, sometimes i just totally shutdown and go non-responsive. it's pretty traumatizing. but he thinks it's hot to do that and then bathe me or something to comfort me afterward.

i met a guy in a support group i go to between therapy appointments who is trying to get me to believe the guy i am with now is abusing me in a way even worse than i was abused before and that i need to leave ASAP. but like i said, i am reliant on him and i also am kind of to the point where i am pretty sick with myself and hating myself and have kind of accepted this is how things are going to be for me. I mean what's my option here - go with another guy? who says he'll be any different.