Abusive Relationships Community Group

This group is for those that have been in abusive relationships, know someone who is in an abusive relationships, or is currently in one. It is ok if you are a male victim or a female victim. If you need to vent just let it out.

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I'm sick of crying

HailTheQueen
HailTheQueen

I don't really want advice. I mostly just want to share my experience with someone so I'm not alone. I've told a friend before but she didn't know what to do or say. She kinda just looked at me like a broken puppy without a home. 


I'm 19 years old. I have a 2 year old with my high school sweet heart. I love him with everything I have. I've given him my body, soul, and heart. He's angry person. Little things will set him off. He's gotten worse over the years. He's now at the point to where he just punches me over and over again in he back or arms. Sometimes I'll get a choke hold or a kick to the ribs. 


Tonight, we were walking the dog (newly adopted 3 days ago). Thorn Isnt very good with other dogs so we had to go home. I was walking with my daughter and she's slow. He was waiting for me at the door because I had the keys. He was livid when I got there because he had to wait in the sprinklers. I asked him why he didn't stand somewhere else but it was all my fault. I tried to have a calm rational discussion but I turned into a human punching bag. I tried to get him to just leave but I think he'd rather watch me suffer. I would cry on the floor, a heap of disaster. And he would come back for more. He would ask me "Is this what you want?! Do you like it?! You push me here!" After about 15 minutes Thor started to realize what was happening and started barking at him. I thought "Finally someone to help and stand up for me". But then he dragged the dog and locked him in the laundry room. My poor dog. He deserves a better family. 


I love him with all my heart. But I'm starting to hate him. Slowly it's growing inside of me. Sometimes I just want to die. And sometimes I  just want to kill him. But I always remember how happy I am to see his face or hear his voice. But lately I've been wondering: Does he even love me? Has he ever loved me? Am I worth anything to him? Is he just here because he got me pregnant years ago?


... I've never told anyone about these thoughts, feelings, or occurrences. I just don't want to be alone anymore. And I know everyone is going to say "Leave him, you deserve better". But I just can't live without him. And sometimes I think I'll just live with the pain. But I can't tell anyone. 

Paintbynumbers
Paintbynumbers
It is so hard to be in that position. One where you remember the love that you had while realising the abuse and how little respect you are treated with. It is confusing and shameful yet you become acclimatised to expect the unexpected and take it on yourself instead of really seeing it as him. It is really hard to feel and accept that people who are abusive, are abusive because they lack empathy and the ability to control and change their behaviour. As far as your position goes gathering support seeking counselling, and getting out of the relationship is what will stop this cycle. Otherwise it is just that, a continuous cycle where you are the punching bag. When you get to the point where you despise the abuse/abuser it becomes either a matter of suppressing the anger and shutting down therefore harming yourself, or taking it out on the abuser or someone else. It is a very dangerous position to be in and the longer you stay the more danger you put yourself and your child in.
I understand what it is like to live in hope that things will change but when you are dealing with someone who is abusive there is no chance of growth. You can grow though.
Leaving is not an easy thing to do but it is the only way to move forward.
ResetMyButton
ResetMyButton
Run and order the book "Abusive Relationships" by Patricia Evans. I hope it will open your eyes like it did mine. Its a great book and easy to read. Its like talking to a therapist. Be sure and have a highlighter with you. Hugs to you in empathy and support.