I've been having a lot of flash backs lately. Some good some bad, all emotional. Involving different men I've been with. I miss a couple of them. I thought of one such man that I wish I could still talk to. He wanted to stay friends, but us being friends was friends who slept together, and I didn't want that, i wanted a relationship. I was too angry to stay friends.

A few nights ago I had a flashback of him when I was by myself in the shower. I started sobbing. Couldn't relax.

I've managed to mainly block out my ex, the abusive one before the fwb I had. I still panic and fear him, but mostly I block out all the choking and rapes and head games.

I had another friend I wanted to date but I found out he had a woman and 3 kids. Never slept together but we had alot in common and many good conversations. He borrowed some books from me and never gave them back. I miss him too.

I think alot of this is being triggered by a new client at my job. I can't describe it, but I feel like I know him. I've never just met someone before and felt this attracted to them, like he would understand me. Idk why I feel like that, and he is way too young for me besides.

On top of all that, I am currently in a relationship. My needs are not met in this relationship at all but I am trapped in it and I hate that feeling. I'm always angry because I don't feel like I think I should. In current relationship I don't get beatings or screamed at very often but I also don't get the kind of attention I need, I don't get enough time to myself either. I'm currently working on some projects and instead of being supportive, he tries to compete with me and pile more work on me. I'm so covered up with work. I'm tired.

I just keep thinking back to that one past relationship. He didn't treat me that great, but I was happy in some ways. We were sexually compatible. Actually that was the only relationship I was ever in that we were compatible in that way. We also had a lot of common experiences. We both lost our dads at 15, both had cold narcissistic mothers, both used to be chefs, both clean freaks. Idk I just miss having a friend like that.

In my current situation, I don't feel like I'm allowed to have any friends. He is so codependent. I feel sorry for him, but it's not fair to me to be saddled with so much debt and have to be with him every second. Everyone says just leave him, like it's so easy, but it isn't. It's better than previous situations, and he does give me some money. But this not having friends thing is not my fault. He won't even let me have female friends. He complains about how dumb they seem. He interrogates me when I get home from the gym or if I have a late day at the office. He is so jealous and controlling. He even gets mad if I want to watch a show with my mom instead of sitting being bored with him.

And he is so boring! We never have anything to talk about because he has barely done anything interesting or doesn't want to talk about it. We don't like any of the same things. He doesn't seem like a mean person but I feel like all the emotional neglect and work he piles on me is punishment for something I didn't even do! Idk how to talk to him. Any time I complain about our relationship he calls me crazy and says I can't do any better, that our relationship is great. I get guilt tripped because if we broke up he would be homeless and probably lose his job because he is an idiot. I also don't want to burden his sister-in-law with him, because that is where he would go. She already takes care of his brother, her mother, and a baby, she doesn't need another person to care for.

I'm scared this is all there is. I remember the good things about past men I've dated, things that are better than what I have now. But I also remember the abuse and think this must be the trade off: a deadbeat that I'm not attracted to that can't leave and doesn't hit me.

It makes me angry that the only way I can be free and happy is to be single forever and not be with anyone. I was such a disgrace to my family before because I was single. I'm still badgered constantly about when I'm getting married and having kids. He is sterile, so never. I'm not inheriting more financial burden, so never.

Do people ask me when I'm going back to college? No. Do people ask me what I'm working on? No. Do people ask me about the gym? No. Do people ask about my job? Rarely. They don't ask if I am happy either. All they care about is when is the wedding? How the hell do they expect me to pay for it?

It makes me angry that every man I have dated was a series of blind dates thru a matchmaker. I have no idea how normal people do it. I was matched with the guy I'm with. Maybe they thought we would compliment each other. I'm going to have to have sex with him again soon. I wanna puke. He is so ugly and not any good. I'm sick of pretending. I had to do the same thing with my first bf. At least current one isn't into sick shit (that I know of) there just isn't any emotional connection or attraction. It's another chore added to the huge pile of responsibility I already have.

Is this how it is for other women? Is that just part of growing up? Learning to live with your misery?

I just keep thinking of that one ex, just the good things. I think of my friend that borrowed my books. I think of the new client that I wish I could get to know better. And I feel sad and lonely. Idk if I will ever recover enough from the abuse I experienced before to get out of the abuse I have in my life now.