At one time or annother, we are all faced with the pain of abandonment. Whether the person(s) who walked out on you was a parent, partner or friend, it hurts. This is a place of friendship and support.
I have just got into drinking too much alcohol like binge drinking again after quitting and talking to a kind man that night he said to me that he thinks my problem was a fear of abandonment. My parents made threats to leave me, or i can leave when they had issues. My dad threatened to strangle me many times and my mum had anger problems.
I often push people away who get too close to me. I find myself chasing the wrong women in relationships who cannot offer love. I become more obsessed the more they walk away.
I find that in my jobs, i cannot find peace because they all involve dealing with public and im very shy and withdrawn.
I find that my parents were both big perfectionists and i used to try to draw animals as a kid but hated it eventually because didnt think perfect enough or go to sport and injured my hip trying to be the best at 18.
Putting all my focus into one thing.
I have reached the end as i cant see how i can change and dont feel any self worth to put effort into self love and telling myself i love myself. i need some help that can show me where this all started and feel inside im worth something.
not if i do something, go somewhere to prove a worth. or if a woman rejects me try hard to prove im somebody.
I am not really able to concentrate well in reading.
I am living abroad, alone in a big city at the moment, reaching out to friends, i met in the past who have been very understanding and nice but its not fixing my problem.
Its something about me, and feeling not able to be a success or want to acknowledge, accept myself.
im nearly 41 now so loosing the last girl i met has been hard. she left her boyfriend for me and he was a bad guy who threatened me and she said he lied them finishing just now as its been a year. Then he showed me the dates and it was true. i questioned her about why go a man like me after him.
he reminds me of the bad friends i had when growing up, bulying me. one of them got me to do sit ups-200 over a bed and it split something in my stomach and since then had internal scar tissue not able to lift or twist anything.
i injured my hip cartilage at 18 and doctors said nothing wrong with me but wasnt able to do much with it.
I lost my dad 29 to poison at work and 2 girls who meant the most after. failed a 2nd degree at this time.
I also drank at my sisters wedding, which made me weird as it mixed with the drugs i was taking.
I just spilt some beer, and was a bit over friendly with people and did a silly dance, but that finished our relationship, me and my sister. i have not had the money to pay for councilling or go back to see the grandmotehr i loved and too painful to see her now in an old peoples home.