Abandonment Community Group
At one time or annother, we are all faced with the pain of abandonment. Whether the person(s) who walked out on you was a parent, partner or friend, it hurts. This is a place of friendship and support.
Hello Everyone,
I Recently I have moved back in with my mother and it has caused a lot of issues to surface. I have been an unhappy person for a very long time, never really knowing why. I feel empty all of the time, and I feel like I am on another level of lonely.
I am shy, I shut down in social situations, in fear of being hurt. I critisize myself, and form terrible relationships. My divorce almost ruined me, even though it was my decision to leave (and it was the right decision, I see this now) I have come to a point in my life where I am just plain tired of feeling this way, so I have started asking myself some serious questions, and I think a lot of my problems have to do with having abandonment issues.
I have been in denial for so long, and I have been trained to think in such a negative way, it have left me confused. I did not have good parents. They are both alcaholics. My mother left my father after 26 years of marraige, I was 13. A couple years after that they sold the house I grew up in. Both of my parents have always met my physical needs, but have been emotionally distant my entire life. My mom's famous line to my siblings and I was, "just find some place and go there"
Throughout high school I lived with my mother and my brother. My mother didn't drink as much then, and held a respectable job. She met a man and began spending most of her time either at work or with him. I was going through difficulties in high school (and I am seeing that it now relates to all of this) She travelled a lot for work, and on the side with the new man in her life leaving me at home to deal with my own problems. I became a cutter crying out for attention, attention I never got from her.
When I graduated highschool, my mother decided to move in with her boyfriend which was 1,200 miles away from us. She left my brother and I a townhouse which we rented from her for the cost of the mortgage, but that only lasted a year and then we sold the second place I ever called home.
The year before she moved away I became very sick. When I was 18 I wanted nothing to do with medication so I took myself off of them. I was prescribed Lithium because the Dr said I was bipolar (which I am not) and it made me gain 100lbs When I finally weened myself off of the lithium I lost that weight in 6 months and it resulted in me having Gal Stones. I found this out one day at work. I left there having massive stomach pain. After 3 days of pain beyond my comprehension (they said if I chose to have children it'll be a breeze compared to this) I asked my mother to take me to the ER. I had a car, but could not drive myself and during this painful time all my mother said was it's just gas, stop overreacting. When she finally caved in I was admitted right away. The stones had entered a bile duct and almost took out my pancreas. I know she felt terrible, but all I got was "I'm sorry"
After my mom moved away I lived on my own jumping from room to apartment about once a year, struggling on minimum wage.
After 9 years of this I decided that I needed to back to school and earn a degree, so that I could learn the skills to be a better employee/person to break my horrible cycle. I tried going to school on my own, working two jobs and going to school part time became a stomach ache and I was starting to break under the stress.
All the while I kept turning to my mother for support. She kept telling me to move in with her that she would take care of everything. I wouldn't have to worry about food, rent, tuition, I could just relax and it would be fine. So I took the jump, packed my bags and moved in with her.
This sounded a lot better than it actually is. Now that I am here I am not finding what I subconsiously wanted, and all of this is surfacing and making sense, and it is overwhelming. My entire life I thought my mother was my rock but she has been my problem
Just for fun I went to get my palm read with a friend. I don't believe in that sort of thing, I believe those people are very intuitive into reading body language, but she hit the nail right on the head which woke me up a little. She said that I have a closed heart because my mother had a closed heart. I was a product of my environment.
My delema now is, is that I know my mother never intended to intentionally hurt us, but she did anyways. She hates herself, she hates what she did to her life and she never wanted children. I want to hate her but I can't.
Right now she smokes A LOT, and drinks a lot and the sound of her cough makes me want to punch walls. I feel like I need to get out of this environment, but if I do it will effect the chance of me graduating from colllege.
Wow, I had a lot to say and I've never really said this much before, let alone commit it to text.
Thanks for listening
I Recently I have moved back in with my mother and it has caused a lot of issues to surface. I have been an unhappy person for a very long time, never really knowing why. I feel empty all of the time, and I feel like I am on another level of lonely.
I am shy, I shut down in social situations, in fear of being hurt. I critisize myself, and form terrible relationships. My divorce almost ruined me, even though it was my decision to leave (and it was the right decision, I see this now) I have come to a point in my life where I am just plain tired of feeling this way, so I have started asking myself some serious questions, and I think a lot of my problems have to do with having abandonment issues.
I have been in denial for so long, and I have been trained to think in such a negative way, it have left me confused. I did not have good parents. They are both alcaholics. My mother left my father after 26 years of marraige, I was 13. A couple years after that they sold the house I grew up in. Both of my parents have always met my physical needs, but have been emotionally distant my entire life. My mom's famous line to my siblings and I was, "just find some place and go there"
Throughout high school I lived with my mother and my brother. My mother didn't drink as much then, and held a respectable job. She met a man and began spending most of her time either at work or with him. I was going through difficulties in high school (and I am seeing that it now relates to all of this) She travelled a lot for work, and on the side with the new man in her life leaving me at home to deal with my own problems. I became a cutter crying out for attention, attention I never got from her.
When I graduated highschool, my mother decided to move in with her boyfriend which was 1,200 miles away from us. She left my brother and I a townhouse which we rented from her for the cost of the mortgage, but that only lasted a year and then we sold the second place I ever called home.
The year before she moved away I became very sick. When I was 18 I wanted nothing to do with medication so I took myself off of them. I was prescribed Lithium because the Dr said I was bipolar (which I am not) and it made me gain 100lbs When I finally weened myself off of the lithium I lost that weight in 6 months and it resulted in me having Gal Stones. I found this out one day at work. I left there having massive stomach pain. After 3 days of pain beyond my comprehension (they said if I chose to have children it'll be a breeze compared to this) I asked my mother to take me to the ER. I had a car, but could not drive myself and during this painful time all my mother said was it's just gas, stop overreacting. When she finally caved in I was admitted right away. The stones had entered a bile duct and almost took out my pancreas. I know she felt terrible, but all I got was "I'm sorry"
After my mom moved away I lived on my own jumping from room to apartment about once a year, struggling on minimum wage.
After 9 years of this I decided that I needed to back to school and earn a degree, so that I could learn the skills to be a better employee/person to break my horrible cycle. I tried going to school on my own, working two jobs and going to school part time became a stomach ache and I was starting to break under the stress.
All the while I kept turning to my mother for support. She kept telling me to move in with her that she would take care of everything. I wouldn't have to worry about food, rent, tuition, I could just relax and it would be fine. So I took the jump, packed my bags and moved in with her.
This sounded a lot better than it actually is. Now that I am here I am not finding what I subconsiously wanted, and all of this is surfacing and making sense, and it is overwhelming. My entire life I thought my mother was my rock but she has been my problem
Just for fun I went to get my palm read with a friend. I don't believe in that sort of thing, I believe those people are very intuitive into reading body language, but she hit the nail right on the head which woke me up a little. She said that I have a closed heart because my mother had a closed heart. I was a product of my environment.
My delema now is, is that I know my mother never intended to intentionally hurt us, but she did anyways. She hates herself, she hates what she did to her life and she never wanted children. I want to hate her but I can't.
Right now she smokes A LOT, and drinks a lot and the sound of her cough makes me want to punch walls. I feel like I need to get out of this environment, but if I do it will effect the chance of me graduating from colllege.
Wow, I had a lot to say and I've never really said this much before, let alone commit it to text.
Thanks for listening
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