5.OCT.12 - WELL? ...here we are 5 days into OCT and where am I? Nowhere...sitting here writing this journal entry here on DS...but I guess its better than doing nothing...I went to a open share meeting last night and it was great but I just don't know...I'm still trying to figure out what to do...what to do with MY LIFE...I know what I want to do...I know what I should do...but its mustering up the energy to do it that I can't do...I feel so hypocritical...cause I want to what I know I should do...but I just can't do it...and it is so hard...but enough about me...I want to write about something else...

Last year on Valentines day, one of my son's friends committed suicide...his birthday is sometime in October...and for the last few weeks for some reason, I've been reminded in way to many ways of him and his suicide. This past August, my son left for college...and it was a bittersweet moment for me...I know I did my best to raise him and I know that he turned out to be a pretty good kid/young man...but of course I still worry about him...and being reminded of his friends suicide make me wonder if maybe he is going through something that I am not seeing...the one time he got in trouble, in his HS freshman year, it was partially my fault because I wasn't giving him the attention he needed and deserved and now I wonder, if that is going on again...

I am not a very emotionally sensitive person...I am an introvert...I hide my feelings...the good and the bad...because I don't want to get hurt and because I don't want to hurt others...but I don't think that's really good...anyway...I need get of this pity pot and do some real work..but before I do I just want to record this... I had another nightmare last night...and I don't know why I have these...vividly realistic dreams that speak of the possibility of great pain...i don't want to have these dreams but I do!

Last night, I dreamed that my friends little seven year boy died...died in my arms at a grocery store where he had fallen and hit his head...I don't want to go into the details of the dream because it's terrible..but that 's what it was about and I don't want to know this pain or want anyone else to suffer this pain especially someone I know and care about ... but with the consistent reminder of my son's friends suicide and this dream and others that I've had about my husband flaunting his infidelity in front of me and one I had a few years ago about my OWN son dying!!!...I tend to get scared, worried, and I just don't like having these vividly realistic dreams of death and pain...WHY AM I GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW? WHY?