Before I put the grog down I used to wish I could stop drinking. I used to think what it would be like to go without a drink for a week a month a year etc. At this stage I could not picture myself not drinking it had no reality for me.

Whilst I thought I wanted to stop drinking I liked the way it made me feel, the way it hid me from myself, I wanted but never received all the frothy promises. So whilst I wanted to stop drinking I did not want to stop drinking. Yes this is insanity and at the time for me very confusing. What it also did was keep the grog in the forefron of my mind because I lived with this constant battle of not wanting to drink and wanting to drink. I believe that if it had of gone on for much longer then I would have become clinically insane.

When the haze cleared a bit and I started to understand my disease I came to realise I am an alcoholic and what does an alcholic want to do they want to drink. So the truth is whilst I was drinking it was not the alcohol I wanted to stop so what is it that I wanted to stop? Then one day I heard a CD by Paul F from Arizona and he talks about it on the CD and he says it is the hurt he wanted to stop. My mind flashed back to me drinking and I realised in an instant it was the hurting I wanted to stop not the drinking and this made sense to me. Paul goes on to ask I could guarantee you if you drank and you caused noone or anything pain or suffering would you want to keep drinking and for me the answer is yes because I am an alcoholic and I want to drink.

This is as true today as it was back then this is why I know I will drink again if I do not stay in a fit spiritual condition because I am an alcoholic and I want to drink, it is the pain I want to stop. As the BB says even the memory of the suffering we cause a week or month ago is not enough to keep us sober. So remembering the pain I caused will not keep me sober.

Hope this makes sense

G8