I don;t know much about the mental aspect of it all .I just know I'm likely to become addicted to anything that's adictive.I wish I knew more , like the science behind it , Pavlov's dogs etc.

For me this would be when I was out and about at lunch time and say to myself I will not drink tonight no matter what. I would have the best intention and thinking of the tears running down my wife's face AS I walked out of the door after another big night on the grog, was enough motivation for me to not have the drink.

Then on the way home I would start to think if I do not drink tonight then I run the risk of not having a drink becuase if I get called in the next day I will not be able to work. Also I have just worked a hard day and unders plenty of stress so I deserve to have drink. But I promised the wife I would not drink so I will only have one on the way home just to take the edge off. Of course I could just buy one or even two cans but then with the way grog is priced is cheaper to just buy a slab. Purely economical reasons. Have the first can and the "euphoria" that was the end of me.

G8

For me it was quite cyclical; I would often drink to forget the stress of the last night of embarrassment due to intoxication and so on and so forth ad infinitum. I wanted to forget however there was always something happening to add to the list.

This is the aspect of alcoholism that I found INCREDIBLY hard to understand. I would sit and look at a bottle of vodka, the seal unbroken and I would wonder - 'how the HELL can I be powerless over THAT???

Then when I relapsed after 3 years in AA, I was so puzzled that when I made a decision to stop, I didn't. I did it after the first week of using, that's it Saturday is my first day clean and sober again. Saturday came and I picked up before I had even got out of my bed. I was utterly baffled by this and asked myself 'Why are you choosing to do this to yourself?' - I had NO answer.

I repeated that pattern every week and every weekend for 8 weeks, it doesn't sound like a long time, but it FELT like a lifetime. I always made the decision not to use but I still did - but WHY??????? I still thought that I was somehow in control.

It wasn't until I read and had that passage in the book explained to me that I began to understand. It was to do with my head, which would always whisper 'this time it will be different' but it never was. I finally understood that I had only the delusion of having choice, the truth was that (as the Big Book says) the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind' (page 23) I read the stories of Jim, the Jaywalker and Fred (pages 35 - 43) and now I knew - another piece of the jigsaw was finally in place!

My disease is three-fold. I have a physical allergy, a mental
obsession and a spiritual malady. If I take one drink, I will lose
all control of my liquor consumption (Big Book page 21). If I dwell
on the "good old" drinking days, I will be obsessed with re-living
them. If I attempt to choose not to drink "one day at a time", I will
find that my "so-called willpower becomes practically
nonexistent" (Big Book page 24).

When I gave up nicotine, I simply choose not to smoke "one day at a
time" and it became easier for me each day. When I tried to give up
alcohol by choosing not to drink "one day at a time", it became harder
for me each day. My problem was not just alcohol. For me "not
drinking" did not treat my alcoholism. I was uncomfortable in my own
skin before I took my first drink as a teenager and I returned to
being uncomfortable in my own skin after I took my last drink.
Alcohol was my solution for 30+ years and did not become my problem
until my final years of drinking when it failed to give me comfort
before it made me blackout.

I would tell myself each morning I will not drink today and find myself in the supermarket in the alcohol section at 11 a.m. It was if my feet just took me there and by then I knew I was going to do it all over again.
It baffled me every time, I was totally powerless to stop, and also by that time no desire to stop. I was on the just one road, yeh right!!

I love that thing some people tell us in AA meetings - play the tape through if you want to frink, I could start that movie and half way through I see myself walking into an off licence or I'm in the aisle of a supermarket and all the bottles glisten, I pick up the bottle head for the till and cannot wait to get outside so I can open it and drink it, and that's what it's like if I play my tape to the end, it makes me 'thirsty'!!

Since I recovered and the obsession was taken from me, I have NEVER had to even consider having to play a tape forward!

Something serenity said triggered a couple of memories in me.

One was my sister (or my dad - can't quite remember which) asking me - Huw why do you keep doing this - you know where it will lead?

The other was a friend who came to visit me at home after I was released from a spell in the psychiatric hospital. He talked about how his mother had given up drinking and had never gone back to it. He said "well after this experience, perhaps you'll know next time that it is all going to end in tears".

In response to question 1, all i could do was look at my feet. The excuses of "girlfriend problems", "no job", "living back at home at the age of 30 with no future and having arrived at nothing", "I feel trapped by my parents", "all my friends drink heavily" etc simply weren't starting to add up anymore and I have never been able to push a lie past my sister/dad. Perhaps the closest to the truth was "I just couldn't take it anymore" or "I dunno" - followed by "I'll try harder this time". The I'll try harder this time was my downfall I believe. Thinking about it now, "try harder not to drink" - it just seems completely ridiculous. It's so black and white, either you can do it or you can't.

For scenario 2, I thought "yeah maybe he's right, maybe I'll know next time that this is going to end in tears" - I relapsed about 5 times after that.

I'm also with 1/20 on the spiritual malady thing. That's the "I just can;t take it anymore" bit.

Other relapses were preceeded by "Oooh, tell you what a couple of beers would be nice right now", "that f'ing bitch, how could she do that to me?", "well I've got a fresh start now in Spain with a new job, I'll be sorted, I'll just have a beer here in the airport first". Others were preceeded with downright indignant denial that I still had the problem - "I've got a job and a new life, I deserve a beer" or "I can't let me them know I don't drink, they'll think I'm weird".

There are a couple of expressions in the big book that really sum up the mental aspect for me.

"one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink" - p.120
"(Was I crazy? I began to wonder,) for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. (Renewing my resolve, I tried again.)" - p.5
"(Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a) lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, (be called anything else?) - p.37

Lack of proportion, lack of perspective, insanely trivial excuse - they all nail it for me.

My favourite description in the book is in Fred's story: "As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal." - That really is all it takes for someone with a defective alcoholic mind imo.

PS Fred was clearly insane - you don't drink cocktails over food, you drink wine surely? :D

:-) :-) :-)

I love the bit where he says 'I have a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for NEW YORK, and of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the LANDING FIELD instead of my wife.' Far cry from JFK now eh????

Memories, as an ex dancer I was always surrounded by twinkly places, and things. Pubs were also twinkly places, and when I stopped drinking I was still drawn to the twinkly places. Just had to stop going to them for a couple of years. Funny even now I am drawn by the twinkles in shops.At the of 17 a 3 hour ballet class was the best thing for a hangover, it wasnt too many years later that that stopped working.Sorry just waffling here, maybe I am saying that looing back the insanity of daily drinking is now so clear.