aa friends Community Group
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THE EGO & THE A.A.
"The pain & misery & horrible loneliness I experienced prior to my first meeting, sixteen years ago, finally convinced me of the need to look at my drinking. But the battle & every one since has been hard-fought. At times it seems to take a great deal of suffering for me before I'll even acknowledge the existence of those defects of character I'm still fond of, & even more before I'll consider giving them up."
"Looking back, it becomes clear to me that ego, before & since I gave up the bottle, has been the chief architect of my problems in life. Though I've not often thought of myself as an egotist ( what egotist ever really does? ), I begin to see the many small but dangerous ways my ego has conspired against me, & does to this day. It has every bit the power to alter my perceptions of reality that alcohol ever did -- & ultimately just as deadly, perhaps more so."
"I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."
"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."
"After all, no matter how "smart" I may think I am, the reality is that the selfish side of my nature, the ego, is far smarter still, not to mention devious, dishonest, & very patient & enduring in it's battle to survive. As evidence, how readily do I believe my own weak reasoning when the thing I want to do wins out in favor of the thing I ought to do?"
"How many times have I rehearsted an argument --- I call it a "discussion" --- with someone before he is in the room? I've done this with sponsors, A.A. peers, & others I have gone to as spiritual mentors --- yet the moment I ask for their help, my ego does everything it can to avoid it, giving me the "freedom" to decide --- knowing that if I discussed it fully, leaving nothing out, the right decision would probably reveal itself to be other than what I want?"
"And even knowing from experience that doing what I want eventually leads me to misery, while while making the sacrifice & giving up that cherished plan eventually leads to greater joy, how many times do I still lose the argument with myself?"
"I've given plenty of lip service to the destructive power of ego over the years, but rarely truly examined it to understand even a portion of the full implications of that concept. It's the real secret, I believe, to the reason for hitting bottom, & the real gift behind the "gift of desperation" --- the momentary reduction of ego enough to finally view a glimpse of reality, to allow for the smallest portion of surrender to happen."
"May I remain ever teachable, never "cured."
Greg M.
February 2009
The AA Grapevine
"The pain & misery & horrible loneliness I experienced prior to my first meeting, sixteen years ago, finally convinced me of the need to look at my drinking. But the battle & every one since has been hard-fought. At times it seems to take a great deal of suffering for me before I'll even acknowledge the existence of those defects of character I'm still fond of, & even more before I'll consider giving them up."
"Looking back, it becomes clear to me that ego, before & since I gave up the bottle, has been the chief architect of my problems in life. Though I've not often thought of myself as an egotist ( what egotist ever really does? ), I begin to see the many small but dangerous ways my ego has conspired against me, & does to this day. It has every bit the power to alter my perceptions of reality that alcohol ever did -- & ultimately just as deadly, perhaps more so."
"I've come to believe that even during the times I think I'm trying to give God & A.A. a fair trial, ego truly warps my thinking & makes me only appear to be open-minded; I might search for answers, but I often go for the ones that bolster my arguments, & avoid those that argue against my views, or, I search for ways to weaken those arguments."
"That's why the ability to think a great deal ( what I always thought of as "intelligence" ), with no real humility, seems to be more a liability than an asset: A "smart" person has more bricks in his arguments, & can therefore build more readily build the wall between himself & God. Once my sponsor told me that no one is too stupid for A.A.--- But we bury the smart ones all the time. I finally begin to see what he meant."
"After all, no matter how "smart" I may think I am, the reality is that the selfish side of my nature, the ego, is far smarter still, not to mention devious, dishonest, & very patient & enduring in it's battle to survive. As evidence, how readily do I believe my own weak reasoning when the thing I want to do wins out in favor of the thing I ought to do?"
"How many times have I rehearsted an argument --- I call it a "discussion" --- with someone before he is in the room? I've done this with sponsors, A.A. peers, & others I have gone to as spiritual mentors --- yet the moment I ask for their help, my ego does everything it can to avoid it, giving me the "freedom" to decide --- knowing that if I discussed it fully, leaving nothing out, the right decision would probably reveal itself to be other than what I want?"
"And even knowing from experience that doing what I want eventually leads me to misery, while while making the sacrifice & giving up that cherished plan eventually leads to greater joy, how many times do I still lose the argument with myself?"
"I've given plenty of lip service to the destructive power of ego over the years, but rarely truly examined it to understand even a portion of the full implications of that concept. It's the real secret, I believe, to the reason for hitting bottom, & the real gift behind the "gift of desperation" --- the momentary reduction of ego enough to finally view a glimpse of reality, to allow for the smallest portion of surrender to happen."
"May I remain ever teachable, never "cured."
Greg M.
February 2009
The AA Grapevine
My wonderful daughter, who has grown up in the rooms, left this out for the family to notice in the am, and if read it may make her broken heart, and broken trust, point made. So proud to have a such an intelligent young woman as my daughter.
In Love, Light, Truth, & Service
Stubborn TerrieAnn