I am angry that I feel so frustrated and don't know how to cope anymore.  I get angry when I lose my cool with Mom.  When she is half asleep she is not herself but sometimes it is  hard to tell.  Like this morning---at 4 am she was moaning and crying again.  She keeps heavily wetting her depends.  Just doesn't pull them down well enough.  I don't think a higher toidy will help but anyway!!!  I wake up to find her pjs in the tub most nights. They are wet.  This morning she had her upper teeth under her pillow.  I just paid over $100 to get them fixed so I got angry.  She wanted to know what the problem was so I told her it was her.  The minute it came out of my mouth, I wanted to crawl under the bed.  Sometimes I want to just tell her to shut up when she is talking in her sleep.  I feel ashamed of myself.

Then sometimes it is too cold in the house, then too hot and she cannot breath.  Cut the pants again.  This time I am not fixing them.  They can fall down around her ankles and she can step out of them.  She tells the nurses that she bathes in the shower (except for rehab).  That has not happened since she broke her ankle.  But she does clean up.  I keep my mouth shut.

Eating is another thing we disagree on.  She says she eats all day while I am gone so not hungry for supper.  I don't eat lunch so I can check on her and I am starving by then.  The days when she sleeps all day is another.  
She does sleep most of the night but the dreams make her think she was awake.  Of course she is tired.  I know about interupted sleep!!!!

I am not the goodie, straight laced person most think I am.  I have needs and wants too.  I need to work and get out of the house.  I miss going out with friends so bad.  I shop for necessary stuff and usually "run" thru the stores.  I don't take time to enjoy the process anymore.  I don't clean the house like I should because I am so tired.  Being on the computer and escaping reality is my only release except for my vibe once in a while.  I feel selfish when I try to do something for myself.  This is my pitty party for today.  Just had to get this all out.

My left arm hurts bad today.  No, not heart just pinched nerve but it is hard to move it.  Later, cook a piece of meat and use the last of the opened broth and some left over carrots.  Baked potato maybe.  Gotta give myself a haircut too.  Wishing for a man but I don't think there is one who would put up with this situation.  I have prayed there would be but kind of giving up.  Going to talk to the nurse tomorrow about life alert system for us.  I can't seem to find anyone to come in and check on Mom while I am gone.  No body does that!!!  The person I used to have check moved 40 miles away.  No one comes to see us anymore either.  Hardly ever get a phone call except political or give-me calls.  

I know I am rambling and I am sorry.