I have a lot to say, and usually writing online really helps me. Today, i just really need someone who knows me, and sit right opposite to me and share some coffee and talk about what's going on through my mind. The ones that come to mind are not the right people for the topic i want to talk about. So that leaves me with the usual, just walk around sad and miserable and wait for some miracle, stuck in my head all alone. 

I will go for a long walk. walking helps me usually. I will then have a coffee, alone, and try not to think about what's upseting me. try to accept. things happen. something happened,, and it is really hard for me to digest, but I know one day sooner or later it will become just a memory and i will hopefully feel happier and back to a more normal state of the self. For now, i am sinking deep because my mind is playing tricks. What happened is something i asked for, i trigger it, because I was not happy with that person, actually very unhappy, more arguing and stress and he was too busy I felt more lonely with him. now that seperation is happening i miss him. massively. but he is done with me. suddenly all i think about is the good times, only. All I can think about is how I've hurt him too at times, and how wonderful he was.

but here is the thing. the bad times were much more frequent and we were not a match at all. I've hurt him, but he hurt me too. 

But now that I feel the tie is lost, im dying in my pain. feelings are a mixutre of guilt, loss (like death), deep sorrow,  im struggling to walk or sleep. crying in my sleep every single night and the first image that comes to me when I open my eyes is his face.

I am so tired of all of this. I wish there is a fastforward button i can press to just be somewhere better in the future, assuming there is a better place there. today i am down to the point i am wondering, what if this is it????????? this is the rest of my life? just sadness, grief and pain. no happiness. no breaks from sadness or anxiety or loss. this is it. what if this is ALL I AM GETTING for the rest of my life?

I can only say I hope not. 

I am so mentally exhausted I just want to sleep and never wake up again.