"On a traffic light, yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?"

-Mitch Hedberg

Banana Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16908500

"If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out."

-Mitch Hedberg

Environmentalist And Animal Rights Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/10441669

"If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!""

-Mitch Hedberg

Miser And Cheapskate Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16876318

"Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

-Mitch Hedberg

Aging And Maturing Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/10355417

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

Dating Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/12447771

"I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!""

-Mitch Hedberg

Frog And Toad Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/4926716

"A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah.""

-Mitch Hedberg

Interpersonal Communications Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/12819468

"Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!""

-Mitch Hedberg

Cat Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/4213750