Why do some people get all the breaks?
Because they're clumsy.

Son: Dad, how do they catch lunatics?
Father: Boy, they do it with lipstick, beautiful dresses, and pretty smiles.

How did the puppet get into show business?
His friends pulled a few strings for him.

Party Hostess: Goodbye, Rebecca. You must come again soon. We would like to see more of you.
Rebecca: But there isn't any more of me.

Michelle: Have you ever had any hobbies?
Michael: Let me think...I've had hives, mumps, and chicken pox...measles...but I can't remember ever having had hobbies, though.

Did you hear about the man who ran over himself? He was standing on the corner waiting for the bus, and he asked a boy to go across the street and buy a pack of gum for him. The little boy wouldn't go, so that man ran over himself...

Account drove afford over abridge, ran over aboard with attack in it and blew attire.

I learned how to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was about five years old, my father took me out to the middle of a lake in a boat and then threw me into the water. The swim back to shore was not too bad...it was getting out of the gunny sack that was the hard part for me...

Violet: May I ask you the secret of your success?
Red: There is no easy street. You simply jump at your opportunity.
Violet: But how can I tell when my opportunity comes?
Red: You can't. You've just got to keep on jumping.

An old Chinaman was eating too much rice, especially since he was too frail to work. Because the grandfather had become a burden, the father of the home, his son, was determined to get rid of him. He put him in a wheelbarrow, then started up the mountain. The little eight-year-old grandson went along. He was full of questions. His father explained that the grandfather was old and useless and the only thing to do was to take him up to the mountain and leave him to die. Then the grandson had a brilliant idea. "I'm glad you brought me along, father, because when you're old, I'll know where to take you."

If you tell the average man there are 278,805,732,168 stars in the Universe, he will believe you. But if a sign reads, "Wet Paint", he has to make a personal investigation.

The People

The ants are walking under the ground,
And the pigeons are flying over the steeple,
And in between are the people.

-Elizabeth Madox Roberts

If an alien were to hover a few
Hundred yards above the planet
It could be forgiven for thinking
That cars were the dominant life-form,
And that human beings were a kind of
Ambulatory fuel cell:
Injected when the car wished to move off,
And ejected when they were spent.

-Heathcote Williams: "Autogeddon" (1988)

Good ones, Beaumont.

All The Grass You Can Eat
Posted on 06/28/11, 01:25 pm
This joke is in really bad taste - you'll understand after reading it.

Bill was riding back from a swim meet in his truck when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he stopped the truck and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you well," Bill said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," Bill replied. Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You can come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," Bill answered.

They all climbed into the truck, which was no easy task, even for a truck as large as Coach Bill's. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Bill and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bill replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."