Alligator Shoes. An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Alligator And Crocodile Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/7554247

U.S. Navy Missile Goes Astray, Blows Up Moon

News Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16643076

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.”

-PS (the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance), August 1993 issue, page 9

Question: Where do kings keep their armies?
Answer: Up their sleevies.

Clothing And Accessories Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6455980

Military Wisdom
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
-When you're ready for them.
-When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you will not be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. The blast radius of a grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
22. The blast radius of a grenade is greater than the distance the average grunt can throw it.
23. When in doubt, shoot it.
24. If you are still in doubt, empty the magazine.
25. If at first you don't succeed, call in the artillery.
26. And if that doesn't work call for an airstrike.
27. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target.
28. This one will be the dud.
29. Because of this your mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.
30. To ensure this, the team always carries extra pins.
31. Tracer works both ways.
32. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
33. The quartermaster has only has two sizes, too big and too small.
34. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
35. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.

Wisdom And Advice Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16331232

Naval Intelligence. Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir." "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" Then comes the final reply: "I'm a lighthouse. Your call, captain."

Boat And Ship Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/11077106

"Artillerymen believe the world consist of two types of people: other artillerymen and targets."

-Military saying

Different Types Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16128678

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."

-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy (1981-1987)

One-Liner And Quotation Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6795267

Farm Kid In The Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers catch onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Farm Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/16446988

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Work Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/7824279