An Englishman parachuted from a plane and landed in the outback of Australia. A native approached. "Pardon me," the Englishman asked politely, "but do you speak English?" "Tweet, buzz eek-squawk, yes," the native answered. "May I ask your name?" "Oooeee squee-awwk buzz, Mumford," came the reply. "And tell me, just where did you learn to speak English?" "Tweet buzz wheeooo, click-buzz. From shortwave radio."

Boomerang: A cross between a cannon and a bell.

An Australian bushman was given a new boomerang. The trouble was, he spent the rest of his life trying to throw the old one away.

My uncle Will had a boomerang that he didn't want, but every time he tried to throw it away, he ended up badly injured.

How do you get rid of a boomerang?
Throw it down a one-way street.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you after you've thrown it?
A stick.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?
A smell you can't get rid of.

Skunk Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/11652607

What is an Australian ghost's favorite snack?
Boo-meringue pie.

Monsters And Other Fictional Folks
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/3037004

Aussie: Australian.

'Stralian: Things Aussie.

Australia was first colonized by convicts from Great Britain. This started in 1788, but by 1850, free colonization had replaced the old penal settlements. Recently, a tourist was entering Australia, where one of the routine questions government agents ask is, "Do you have a criminal record?" "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry," replied the tourist, who had read a little history, "I had no idea it was necessary."

History Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/8034117

Got humor?

There once was a young Scottish boy named Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

‘I’m fine,’ Angus said. ‘But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.’

‘Well, ma laddie,’ says his mother, ‘I suggest you don’t associate with people like that.’

‘Oh,’ says Angus, ‘I don’t, Mam, I don’t. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.’

Music Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/5179046

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Australia. The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (United Kingdom).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in America, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.