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My partner is in prison.
We met in 2003 and lived together for more than a year. We never fought or had major disagreements while living together. We both know how much we love each other and respects each other, no matter what. We separated because we were both at different paths in our llives at that time, I have a career, and he is enjoying his life as it comes. The separation was very amicable, we cried, but no hurting words against each other were uttered, we knew we both still love each other very much.
We lost touched for 6 years, but not a day did I not regret leaving him and controlling myself from communicating with him. My career took off, but I was miserable inside. It's like every step up in my career, it's a step back for my lovelife. Until one day I tried "googling" his name...and there he was. In one drunken moment, he robbed a liquor store for a whiskey with a gun. He didn't have to, he came from a well-provided family, but I guess it was just one of those "crazy moments" he likes to have.
He was already in jail for over a year when I found out. I tried everything to reach him, Called his parents, called sisters, called the prison where he was. Until one day, I wrote a letter address to him in that prison, and after almost a month, he responded. We started communicating again, one letter a month, became a letter every other week, became a letter each week apart from cards on holidays and birthdays, became a phonecall every other day.
That was back in 2010, it didn't take long to realize that the feeling was still there. We knew each other dated other people after we seaparated, but none were successfull or noteworthy as what we had, and before we even realized, we are back together.
He never hurt anyone in this bad phase of his life but himself, he was in a place that doesn't have direction and maybe his time in prison was what he needed to realize what's going on in his life. He now knows this and he has made a committment to himself that he'll make me proud of him one day. That he'll be the person he never was, but knew he can.
We have never seen each other again (other than recent photos) since we last parted ways, and us reconnecting are only through letters, cards, phonecalls...I try so much to make him feel that he's not in prison just to ease the pain of being in one, I am not sure if its the right way to go about it, but it works for us. i try not to expect calls or letters or cards from him so that when he can't (due to lockdowns and other prison problems), I don't get disappointed, and when he does I make sure I tell him how special those are. He tries not to think what he can or can't have right now, including our relationship to be able to survive prison life, but that doesn't mean he lacks recognition of our love and committment to each other. There's not a conversation he doesn't ask me to go and enjoy my life and not deprive myself, and everytime he does, I say to him as long as I still get those letters, cards and phonecalls, I'm not depriving myself of anything.
We're both in different states (geographically, figuratively and professionally) right now, but it's funny how memories of our lives together , especially the little ones such as the first "i love you," the first tiem we met, how we met, what attracted us to each other are the ones we hold dear about each of us. And this time, I feel like I know more about him and he knows more about me through our letters and conversations, suddenly things as mundane as photographs of coushes, slippers, pet photos, coffee mugs, walls of photos became so special. He has told me his plans when he gets out and a big chuck of it is with me, and I'm alright with that and in fact I tell him I do the same now, consider him in my future plans. A lot can still happen. We both don't know what the future awaits us both, but we know right now we're both inlove and we both plan to love each other more when he gets released...even make babies. He'll be release in 2 years, there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him...but right now, I just have to go about my normal life, as he does...for us to survive. But what worried me is that I am into this so deep already, and he says he does as well (but it's really hard to judge when you're miles away, I just take his words for it and he does with mine). I know we both have the same worried, is it just easier now because we're apart, or is this hard part of it all? How do I treat him when he gets release? Do I ask him what happened inside or do I wait for him to volunteer those information? Do I entirely block the reality that he got incarcerated, or would it be best that I make him feel that it doesn't matter to me at all? It really doesn't matter to me that he got incarcerated, but should it matter? Confuse here.
We met in 2003 and lived together for more than a year. We never fought or had major disagreements while living together. We both know how much we love each other and respects each other, no matter what. We separated because we were both at different paths in our llives at that time, I have a career, and he is enjoying his life as it comes. The separation was very amicable, we cried, but no hurting words against each other were uttered, we knew we both still love each other very much.
We lost touched for 6 years, but not a day did I not regret leaving him and controlling myself from communicating with him. My career took off, but I was miserable inside. It's like every step up in my career, it's a step back for my lovelife. Until one day I tried "googling" his name...and there he was. In one drunken moment, he robbed a liquor store for a whiskey with a gun. He didn't have to, he came from a well-provided family, but I guess it was just one of those "crazy moments" he likes to have.
He was already in jail for over a year when I found out. I tried everything to reach him, Called his parents, called sisters, called the prison where he was. Until one day, I wrote a letter address to him in that prison, and after almost a month, he responded. We started communicating again, one letter a month, became a letter every other week, became a letter each week apart from cards on holidays and birthdays, became a phonecall every other day.
That was back in 2010, it didn't take long to realize that the feeling was still there. We knew each other dated other people after we seaparated, but none were successfull or noteworthy as what we had, and before we even realized, we are back together.
He never hurt anyone in this bad phase of his life but himself, he was in a place that doesn't have direction and maybe his time in prison was what he needed to realize what's going on in his life. He now knows this and he has made a committment to himself that he'll make me proud of him one day. That he'll be the person he never was, but knew he can.
We have never seen each other again (other than recent photos) since we last parted ways, and us reconnecting are only through letters, cards, phonecalls...I try so much to make him feel that he's not in prison just to ease the pain of being in one, I am not sure if its the right way to go about it, but it works for us. i try not to expect calls or letters or cards from him so that when he can't (due to lockdowns and other prison problems), I don't get disappointed, and when he does I make sure I tell him how special those are. He tries not to think what he can or can't have right now, including our relationship to be able to survive prison life, but that doesn't mean he lacks recognition of our love and committment to each other. There's not a conversation he doesn't ask me to go and enjoy my life and not deprive myself, and everytime he does, I say to him as long as I still get those letters, cards and phonecalls, I'm not depriving myself of anything.
We're both in different states (geographically, figuratively and professionally) right now, but it's funny how memories of our lives together , especially the little ones such as the first "i love you," the first tiem we met, how we met, what attracted us to each other are the ones we hold dear about each of us. And this time, I feel like I know more about him and he knows more about me through our letters and conversations, suddenly things as mundane as photographs of coushes, slippers, pet photos, coffee mugs, walls of photos became so special. He has told me his plans when he gets out and a big chuck of it is with me, and I'm alright with that and in fact I tell him I do the same now, consider him in my future plans. A lot can still happen. We both don't know what the future awaits us both, but we know right now we're both inlove and we both plan to love each other more when he gets released...even make babies. He'll be release in 2 years, there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him...but right now, I just have to go about my normal life, as he does...for us to survive. But what worried me is that I am into this so deep already, and he says he does as well (but it's really hard to judge when you're miles away, I just take his words for it and he does with mine). I know we both have the same worried, is it just easier now because we're apart, or is this hard part of it all? How do I treat him when he gets release? Do I ask him what happened inside or do I wait for him to volunteer those information? Do I entirely block the reality that he got incarcerated, or would it be best that I make him feel that it doesn't matter to me at all? It really doesn't matter to me that he got incarcerated, but should it matter? Confuse here.
"...what worried me is that I am into this so deep already, and he says he does as well (but it's really hard to judge when you're miles away, I just take his words for it and he does with mine)." It's definitely ok to be worried about so many things, worried about his well being, worried about his future, worried about whether there really is a future for the two of you after he leaves, worry about the veracity of his words, worry about the fact that even if you come together again, not only he will still be not a career person like you, BUT now he has a criminal record and that makes it more difficult to for him to get a job, and worry of him becoming dependent of you.
"How do I treat him when he gets release? Do I ask him what happened inside or do I wait for him to volunteer those information?"
Just like with anything else, there are plenty of sources of information about relatives and loved ones of people who are/have been incarcerated. Inform yourself bu looking into some reliable ex-offender program. You'll learn how to properly work with him, but you will also learn what he's supposed to do after his release. That information can tell you if he's really taking care of himself, but you have to know it first.
"Do I entirely block the reality that he got incarcerated, or would it be best that I make him feel that it doesn't matter to me at all? It really doesn't matter to me that he got incarcerated, but should it matter?"
I don't think that there's a standard answer for this, but one resource of information can be him. He could tell you, why not asking him if/what/how much he feels comfortable sharing.
I have to agree with zonker, he's not a victim and HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. You can still love a person who once did something wrong and support him without minimizing what he did. What he does about it after is what matters. Does he express remorse? Does he talk about it? has he apologized, tried to make restitution?
I have seen inmates who are/become very manipulative, but I do see real victims of the prison system who turn remorseful people who want to become responsible into real criminals. It's hard to say, so information about the process of releasing him, pre-releasing, the possibility of moving into some facility before getting released, there are a few steps and processes that have to happen before he's completely free to come to you, and there's follow up (physically, financially, and mentally) that has to get done.
Get a real picture of what you're signing up for, even if the love and commitment between the two of you is real. It's not going to be an easy path.