A For Real Depression Support Group Community Group
This group is for everyone who feels sad and/or depressed from time to time and needs to talk about it. Please read News section for more information.
Today is certainly not a good day for me at all. I heard so many things today that I feel that I'm going out of my damn fucking mind. I am angry, frustrated, and just fed up with life that I don't know what to do anymore. All I've been hearing is the word move. I feel sad because I feel that I'm almost homeless. Mom fell and hurt her back and she is very pissed about how the doctors are handling it. She is wanting to move back to California where she could not handle the fucking heat, there were times we had nothing to eat, we could not go anywhere because of the fact that there were gangs, there were certain colors people can not wear in California or else you would be considered being in a gang. Its just so much going on. I have no one to talk to, I try going on an online chat support but the people won't talk with me instead they think I'm too crazy or something. All I have is coming on here but I don't want to bug you guys. I had a therapist but she retired. I'm....I don't know. I had a best friend since the 6th grade but she stopped talking with me. I've even wrote her back but I got no response from her. I wrote her a short letter then mailed it to a address that was given to me, she replied back with saying "do not write back here again". The last time I spoke with her back in 2005, she told me that she wanted to live in Hesperia California. I feel that no one wants to talk with me or be bothered with me at all. My hands are tied. I was told that if the doctors were not the problem mom would not leave but she has a fear of doctors and she is scared that they are going to harm her, they are not listening to her.
I'm feeling so out of source now that I can't stand it. I have no appetite. There is so much that is bothering me.
The reason it is bothering me that mom is leaving because she don't have good health, in 2000 before she left California, she was struggling with depression and my brother and his wife came to our home every morning at the same time, the wife would tell mom that she is depressed and why. Then mom was going through other problems with another one of my brothers. Also my mom is going through depression, anxiety post traumatic stress, and her mind is wishy washy example one minute she wants to move away then she wants to stay put, that sounds familiar when we lived in California before moving to Wisconsin.
It seems like we don't have no support from anyone here, none!
I wish positive doors will fly open and not shut. I don't want to make a haste decision on my own and its getting down into the evening. I try telling mom my feelings but the only reply I will receive is "you don't understand how I feel". When I talk with someone else outside of my home, I will get judged big time so I usually keep my stuff to myself. I don't expect anyone to have any answers but thanks for listening but please do not judge me. I hope no one say to me that I should move away, when it is said to me, its easier said than doing it. Also that is one of the problems I'm going through right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should move or not, if I move its "where".
I'm feeling so out of source now that I can't stand it. I have no appetite. There is so much that is bothering me.
The reason it is bothering me that mom is leaving because she don't have good health, in 2000 before she left California, she was struggling with depression and my brother and his wife came to our home every morning at the same time, the wife would tell mom that she is depressed and why. Then mom was going through other problems with another one of my brothers. Also my mom is going through depression, anxiety post traumatic stress, and her mind is wishy washy example one minute she wants to move away then she wants to stay put, that sounds familiar when we lived in California before moving to Wisconsin.
It seems like we don't have no support from anyone here, none!
I wish positive doors will fly open and not shut. I don't want to make a haste decision on my own and its getting down into the evening. I try telling mom my feelings but the only reply I will receive is "you don't understand how I feel". When I talk with someone else outside of my home, I will get judged big time so I usually keep my stuff to myself. I don't expect anyone to have any answers but thanks for listening but please do not judge me. I hope no one say to me that I should move away, when it is said to me, its easier said than doing it. Also that is one of the problems I'm going through right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should move or not, if I move its "where".
Thanks for the offer of writing you when I need someone to talk to, I really appreciate it. I don't have anyone here at home to talk to. I used to have a therapist from 2006 to 2011 but she retired; but I began seeing another one (who would see me for one hour and then see my mom for an hour). The sad part about this lady is that she was on medication for depression and she would often tell mom how her husband wanted to attend church but she didn't and she talked about her other problems happening in her life.
Because of her I lost trust with some people because I was afraid that everything I spoke about would be repeated to my mom, she'll react on it and probably compare me with my sister, who has three kids and 5 grandkids of her own. This therapist was out of line when she spoke with my mom, in that meeting, she talked about me to my mom. I wasn't in the room, I was in the waiting room because she said that she only had time just for one of us; I told mom to go ahead because I felt mom needed to talk more than me. She described to my mom how I cried and she told mom some things I said, when mom came out of the meeting, she did not talk to me for a few minutes. Because of the tears I shed, mom felt more guilty because she felt that I was crying because of her ruining my life. I could not even talk with mom because of her feeling the way she did. I had a meeting with her about a week before she had the meeting with mom. I talked some about my own feelings, and I told her how I felt bad about a dream I had, I told this therapist that I felt guilty after having this dream. In this dream my mom was crying real hard. She, my brother and myself was sitting in a room (like an office). The lights wasn't on. Then mom looked at me and said she was dying. When she said that I got so upset that I walked outside, my brother's eyes looked wild. When I woke up that morning (back in 2010), my brother was upset because of the death of a neighbor. After he went to go get the mail, he stopped to speak with the neighbor who lives in the apartment next to us; he told my brother that his son, who lived above him and his wife, had just died. My brother's eyes looked the same as they did in the dream. That same Saturday, after the death of the neighbor's son, my dad, who lives in another state, had filed for divorce. On the paper, he stated that he wanted everything in our home. That morning was a weird morning because of the way my mom and brother behaved, their behaviors were so similar to way they were in the dream. I guess the darkness meant that our lives were going to be altered and the happiness in our lives were being turned off because of the negative
You know I just don't know where to begin with how things had affected me. The only thing I will say is, I'm having a hard time talking about it, maybe my brain is shutting things out or down or whatever. I'm sad because of how all this negative things had destroyed mom. She switched from a happy active person to a depressed person. Constantly she complains about so much like family issues, her health, being old, being lonely with no friends, male or female. She doesn't feel important anymore, she haven't seen her grandkids or great grandkids. She complains about how the doctors disrespected her, she feels that the police department and fire department do not like her. I have a oldest brother who has been a punk by reminding mom about her past and now she is acting like she is living back in that time again. Her childhood had been very traumatizing from the moment she was a child to now.
I just feel that my life had been an emotional turmoil since that year. I don't feel like that free bird anymore, it seems like when the other kids in the family make mom upset, she seem to get pissed at us (me and my brother) because of it. I've been feeling good, I've done work around the house like laying carpet (I did not do a good job but I tried my best), try to keep things cleaned.
With the family in California, they are nothing like me and my brother here at home. They would not make nothing for mom to eat; they don't even know how she has to eat her food like we do; when mom has to go to the hospital, they will not support her like we do (I stay at the hospital with mom here in Wisconsin but in California they won't let you do that). Also mom would be even more depressed because of past times (in the 1970s, 80s, and the 90s). I just think mom went through a severe nervous break down and then it turned into post traumatic stress and depression, then anxiety.
Sorry this is long and can you tell me how to get into the chat? I did not chat with anyone for five years now.
:(