You said we can post anything here, and as has gosh awful hard as it is for me to ask this, I must.
I "survived" a lifetime of abuse, starting in infancy.

My question is, do you think/believe a person can become so damaged that the negative self-image can become an addiction?

The reason I ask is because, reading all the positivety"sp") here, I see I live for only for that negativity though the original perp is long dead.

Family and "friends" have gone their own ways for their own reasons, they needed me at some point to work through various forms of grief but today, there is no longer time nor interest in the things that scare or hold me back.
Everyone has their own burdens to carry and no time for those of others.
Reaching out nets me only "I'll get back with you" or "I'm just to busy to visit anymore. IF I get even that much.

Isolation is at one and the same time, my best friend and my worst enemy.

I sat here today, trying to honestly think of something I could do that I used to enjoy or even "might enjoy" only to come up with zilch.

My trust factor is zero, there is no longer any "family"/"friend" connection because they are so "busy".

What few things I used to enjoy have fallen by the wayside because of my disabilities and chronic pain.

The point of this post is, do you think a person can be addicted to the thinking patterns ingrained by a lifetime of abuse?

I no longer have a desire to "recover", it matters not if I'm here tomorrow or not.

Myself, I feel very much "addicted" to my own negativity, it sustains me at the same time it cuts my own throat.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....

It sounds like you're in very much pain, physically and emotionally. I hear you, and I'm sorry.

I don't have any idea if a person can become "addicted" to a negative self-image. I do know from my own experience that it can become like chigger bites or poison ivy, where you keep clawing at yourself even though you've already taken the hide plumb off and there's blood running down your legs.

I don't know how to stop, either. But I do know it's possible to stop, because I did. The fact that you're reaching out here on DS means there's still a little hope left in you even if you can't feel it. Hang onto that. It was just about the last tiny gasp for me to come here and look for help, and I found it. I'm not religous but I believe in that part about having the faith of a grain of mustard seed.

Please don't feel sorry for me though it is very kind of you to do so.

I was merely curious as to whether some, not all, that have had a lifetime of abuse, become "addicted" to it and it then becomes their "normal", a self fulfilling prohpecy if you will.

As I'd said, I have no longer have any desire to "recover" or stop it as you have.

Hope is a 4 letter word that is no longer in my vocabulary.

I don't mean to be argumentative, just explaining where I am.

I'm old, tired and worn down from it all.

Curiosity is what caused me to post this, nothing more, nothing less.

I can see how much the members here are able to overcome and kudos to all of you.

Thank you kindly for sharing your thoughts:)

Peace be with you all...

Noodlebg, it is possible for a person to become locked into a negative self-image. I suffer from this myself. Like you, I sufferered from abuse from birth, and then, when my mother mentally ill mother abducted me at age twelve, we were constantly on the run from the police for the rest of my childhood. I am a white male with reddish-blonde hair and blue eyes. My mother forced me to attend all-black schools, go to all-black churches, and live in all-black neighborhoods while we were on the run. What I heard from the blacks during those years of my childhood was how evil white people are and how white people are responsible for all the evils in the world. I was bullied, beaten, and harassed daily for being white. Add to that the beatings, bullying, severe starvation, and psychological abuse from my mother. I came to believe that I was this evil sub-human thing, neither human nor animal, that existed only so that other people would have something to hurt so that they could feel good. I hated myself, and I would say silently to myself often, "God, if you are real, let me go to sleep tonight and never wake up again."

Here I am, years later, dealing with the pain of loneliness and the isolation resulting from being unable to trust or communicate very well with others. Even when I walk down a public sidewalk or stand in line in a store, I am fearful of other people, because I have learned from life that people will attack me without warning, physically and verbally, and even people who appear normal on the outside will randomly become abusive toward me.

If I'm not careful, I could easily fall back into the habit of asking myself what's wrong with me, why do people single me out for abuse, and why can't I just die.

There's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my fault that I was abused as a child. It isn't my fault today when I am out in public and some person randomly attacks me. It isn't my fault that I have never felt safe in this world. The world is a very dangerous place, and that's just the way it is. The only thing that stops many people from abusing and attacking other people is the fear that they might be punished under the law. People are not basically good unless there is something that forces them to be good, such as laws and enforcement of those laws, or the fear that someone they abuse or attack might retaliate against them.

I have recently begun to take some steps to protect myself in an unsafe world. Not all blacks are violent racist psychopaths, but so many of them are that when I am on public transportation and a black person sits near me, I get up and move away immediately. When there is a black person in a line at a store, I get in another line or I walk around in the store and go back to the register when the black person has left. When there is a black person on a public sidewalk, I keep as far as physically possible away from them. I am not a racist, because I do know a few black people who behave normally, but on the other hand, I am not going to be a victim again, so I take wise steps to reduce the chances of a black person harming me.

One thing that I have observed is that people are far less likely to attack other people when they travel in pairs or groups, because attackers don't like witnesses and they don't like being outnumbered. Much of the reason that people attack me may stem from the fact that I travel alone all the time. I don't have friends. If I had friends, and walked on a public sidewalk with them, I seriously doubt that I would be attacked by people.

I really want friends, especially other white people who are like me. Sadly, though, I live around toxic people. All the white people I know of are addicts, alcoholics, mentally ill, or criminals. No doubt it's because of the area I live in. I've got to get out of this area someday, I just don't know how yet. I'm not one of them, and it's very lonely for me.

Sorry, I digressed so far from your point. It took a lot of courage for you to post here about your circumstances. It's important for us to realize that there must be trustworthy people somewhere in this world. We must continue to believe that there must be a way out for us. Somehow, there's a place and there are people who we can be around and begin to feel better about ourselves. There just has to be.

HELLO BEAUMONT , I HOPE THAT YOU DO GET OUT AND FIND SOME GOOD PEOPLE, BUT ITS HARD, YOU ARE WISE TO TAKE STEPS TO AVOID BEING ABUSED, I DID THE SAME WHEN I WAS OUT ON MY OWN, I WAS ROBBED BY WHITE PEOPLE, ABUSED BY WHITE ,SO COLOUR IS NOT AN ISSUE, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB, HOPEFULLY YOU WILL AND START SOMEWHERE A NEW LIFE..
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE PAST IS WHAT CAUSES NEGATIVITY, BUT THE PRESENT SITUATION, WHERE WE ARE NOW, ISOLATION WILL MAKE YOU FEEL AS YOU DO NOODLE , BEING IN CHRONIC PAIN WITH NO ONE TO VISIT OR SHARE, IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL AS YOU DO, MAYBE YOU CAN SPEAK ON THE PHONE, IT IS SAD THAT EVERYBODY IS SO BUSY AND CANNOT CARE TO VISIT, STILL YOU HAVE ONLINE FRIENDS, LOVE TO ALL JOY''''

I'd like to see more attention paid to abusive women. Specifically, I'd like to discuss without hindrance and name calling (eg 'troll") calling out abusive women. I don't just mean mothers, but also adult interactions: work, friendships, lovers. I want to dialog about the universalities of how women abuse and what's unique about women abusers.

I was in another group on DS about a month ago, I finally opened up a bit about the abuse I went through in a same sex relationship and I got more inquiries as to whether or not I was a man, and wondering if I'm a 'troll" (btw: for the millionth time in general: what is a troll?). Only one person said anything I found of use and comfort.

I'm aggravated by the fact that we can talk about abuse but if it veers away from whatever has been designated as normative - men, mothers, fathers - the victim has to contend with doubt, being accused of having deserved the abuse some how, or that somehow we're the bad ones. In spite of that one person, I still feel invalidated by that other group.

I just wanted to put that out there because were it not for the abuse I dealt with by mostly women growing up, I'd probably have better taste in women when it comes to dating. Every relationship I've ever had with a woman has been abusive, and all anyone will tell me is that there's something wrong with me - as if I deserve it somehow. One counselor suggested that I didn't deserve it but it's a habit for me to be abused by women because of my upbringing so I unconsciously gravitate toward abusers. This for example is a universal trait in abuse relationships; why can't we call out women abusers? They're just as predatory. Why isn't there an acceptance by now that people abused in same sex interactions - friendship, sexual, work - need the same kind of recovery as anyone else?!? People are abusers because they're assholes, not because of their packaging or tackle. Just because someone's in a dress and make up and can cry on demand doesn't make them harmless.

(Woke up having a panic attack with my ex on my mind. Even in memory, she's still torturing me.)

This is a great topic noodle!
I have wondered myself about being "addicted" to a negative self image. For me, well it is sorta more like always seeing the negative in life.

In choir, someone wanted to play a game. In it we each got a piece of paper and wrote answers to favorite silly things. Then the papers were gathered and shared. You had to go around asking others questions till you found the person based just on the silly answers.
MY FIRST THOUGHT: Only half should get papers and search. If we all search, how can we find others who are running around searching?
Everyone tells me that is negative.

Part of me thinks we just got used to hearing such things. Since it was coming from those we thought of as God from a child's perspective, it was very bad to believe otherwise. Eventually, we adapted to believing it because that causes less friction when we talk to others whose childhood's were not terrible.
When my dad came to live with me, he called me at work one day. I got off the phone and said something slightly derogatory about "dad's living with kids" or something. My co-workers actually yelled at me, "Sunny, you are talking about YOUR FATHER!" LIKE father's never abuse their kids.

Society refuses to accept that parents are abusive. They want to believe that everyone had a wonderful childhood with loving parents. It is too much to think that anyone could abuse a tiny baby that can NOT sin or cause anyone to get angry enough to hurt them.

I also get this "I no longer have a desire to "recover", it matters not if I'm here tomorrow or not."
On top of the childhood abuse, medicals ignored my health until I was so near death they had to treat me with 4 pints of blood BEFORE they could do any testing or I might have died.
Now I am left with serious chronic pain! In a world of addicts treating pain clinic's like their personal candy chest, communities creating laws to make it near impossible to get treatment for pain, and people in pain having to PROVE over and over they are innocent, I am weary beyond death of fighting a system that allows doctors to save lives and then won't allow them to offer treatments to make life bearable.


Perhaps it is just being tired of being the universes whipping post. Let them choose a different post to beat on for awhile. I am weary.

I really don't know if I belong here in this group I've read about physical,mental,and sexual abuse that people here went through and feel ashamed because all my abuse was verbal, I was called a wimp,a loser, stupid, lazy, I was a bedwetter in high school, I stopped that when I had a brain tumor removed,but teasing and name calling nevered stopped . Am I only person who looked foward to going to school knowing that I would be teased and bullied and consider it nice compared to home?

tshy: I think if you want to be here, you belong here. Your insights are most welcome. Everyone's story is valid. If you desire to work things out with yourself, this is one space for that. You may find others, but you're here now and I think you belong here.

EAN

There is strong evidence now that emotional abuse without any physical component can be even more damaging than abuse that's mainly physical. Emotional abuse can eat away at a person's concept of who they are, and undermine their mental health severely. It has the potential to shred their whole personality.

I think it's best not to start comparing one another to decide who is the more abused. That does not happen here, and that's a very good thing. Abuse is abuse, and all of it is damaging to a child. Everyone's story is different, but we are all together in our desire to heal, if that's possible.

Tshy, I hated both school and home...I was abused in both places really badly. So I understand how you might prefer the lesser of two evils. I was only happy shut in my room, down in the basement, or out somewhere in the neighborhood by myself. So I became a "loner" and nobody ever wondered why. I wanted to be a forest ranger so I could be alone far from everyone in the woods.

What Richie said!!!!!!!!!
There are no scars with emotional abuse. The abused feel less than even more than those who have scars

I would.like to share a story:
I sing!
I have a stunning lovely singing voice!
In 10th grade a student teacher found a shook for the arts in new York, NY that had scholarship money. He got a teacher to come heàr me at National honor society inductions.
He was there to offer me full scholarship when I went backstage.
Behind him was mother. She got more and more red as he explained the contract and real.possibility that I could make opera a career maybe even be famous if.I worked.hard.
Mom used an awful prejudice word which h people used negatively toward homosexuals back then.
She said, "if YOU even think we are spending 4 YEARS going to new York to sit they some fruit fruit (insert nasty word) shows for years just so you can show.off and flaunt and prance like a rutting pony you have another thing coming!!!!! No child of mine is welcome in my home without some real way to make decent no.eyes." the rant went on in front of friends, teachers, this stranger......
It was very clear that choosing opera was only for gays (in her twisted mind).

I was devestated!!! This was a surprise gift from the student teacher who helped me learn the solo that I had just finished. Mom not only ruined it...she embarrassed me....she belittled me....she showed her prejudice which I thought reflected onto me.

I did not sing again for 12 years. Not on shower. Not in cad. Not in college or.grad school.
Only when my grad program changes to day instead of night and hubbies did not (forcing me to withdraw did I resort to singing to fill the lo.e

Lonely hours.

It still affects me today. My teacher does not yet know. She sees fear all over my face but I can't force myself to tell her even thou freedom is on the other side
Even thou I know mom was prejudice not me.... it still holds me back

Verbal can be so much worse

Thinking patterns can be changed. Truth sets us free from errors than bind. The beginning step for me was in receiving empathy and then giving empathy. I literally had to look up the word in the dictionary because our family's thinking pattern didn't include that word or action. I learned what empathy actually looks like from my kind therapist.

Empathy stopped the process of isolation and self-soothing in the level of arrested development I was stuck in. Empathy is relearning to have "a heart before jumping into my head" for the tidy, quick fix solution. Empathy restores me whenever I am not feeling part of the human race. Empathy equalizes people: no one is better or worse than another when it comes to owning and processing our journey work.

SunnyBunn,

Yes, verbal is so much worse.
*crying*

They take the good in us, the beautiful things, the things we love, and they use them to hurt us.

I know that from what I've learned, emotional abuse without physical....is way more damaging than for someone to....only suffered from physical abuse. (I never have had any physical abuse in any form.) I've had my share of all emotional, verbal.......and it has shredded my existence. I actually seen my father today at store. I had to turn my head far because he would have seen me as I was moving; exiting the store. Yes, I having severe panic; but to get out of store was main priority to my feeling safe. I have been hyper-vigilant and on "high alert" for a week now.-Maybe preparing me for seeing him today(-?) From this happening I am more calm and relaxed. I'm so very thankful that I already had checked out / paid before seeing him(father).

I agree also that if you want to be here; you belong here. Also, abuse is abuse! Any kind is damaging! We are all here to HEAL. I'm sure you will find you are similar to people here.
----gizzzy