by the way, mum died when i was 18, so any chance of connection at a later age was gone. And dad, by then, was off his face on alcohol and drugs. So, parenting ended then.

Hi Jenny, thank you so much for your long reply. You sound like you are doing so well! I didn't know 'most therapists said was impossible - recovering from early childhood abuse.' This actually makes me feel a bit better, because I've been struggling lately. Thank you so much for tellin me your story, I really admire you for what you've overcome. regards.

I think one of things that we all seem to have a difficult time understanding and accepting is that every human being REQUIRES love and acceptance throughout their lives. It's a basic human NEED, not just a desire or want or wish. As child abuse survivors I think it is safe to say that we DID NOT get that NEED met and this is part of what we discover is missing as we heal. It leaves an emptiness. It's perfectly ok to seek out sources of love and acceptance in our adulthood, by allowing genuine friendships and relationships to unfold and grow. I dislike the notion that seems to be so prevalent in our society that we should be our one and only source of love for ourselves. This simply isn't true. In the animal kingdom, human beings are social creatures and build families, just like many other primates. Our survival depends upon these social connections. So, the idea that we should be able to provide ourselves as individuals with everything we need and that we do not require others in our lives.....I find that just plain wrong on so many levels.

I don't know.....that's all my opinion anyway.

I agree with you, JillieBean71. My life has been totally turned around since I discovered that God loves me. He has healed my hurts and pain from all of the abuse, and I not only feel His love for me, I am learning to love others appropriately. God created us for relationship with Him--that's why we need love. And He is the best source for that love.

That is true, Jenny. I reread everything that was posted here....I think I skimmed a little the first time. (Sorry, my bad!) I've done a lot of research on stress and brain plasticity and such in the last couple of years. And yes, the brain does have the ability to make new connections. The brain can also be severely affected by a constant state of stress hormones, wreaking havoc on brain chemistry. I know my mom was under a great deal of stress when she was pregnant with me. It wasn't a great time in her life to be pregnant so that stressed her. My parents marriage was in its decline...so that was stressful. Her mother was still trying to control her life and was often hypercritical of her, so that was stressful. And my parents had to live with my grandmother for a few months during the winter because their landlord shut the heat off to their building and they had a 2 year old (my brother). I guess my grandmother was a real grouch the whole time. And my mom had pneumonia during that time, so she was hospitalized because she was pregnant, then my dad got it and was laid up in bed at her mom's house which made grandma even worse.

So, the possibility exists that my development in the womb was compromised by severe stress and anxiety to begin with. My dad started traveling with his job right after I was born and from what little he has told me here and there, she didn't deal well with it. He said she was angry all the time and super volatile. So, I'm not really sure how that was working when I was an infant. All I know is, the only time I've ever felt completely safe around my mother is when I'm sick. Otherwise, injuries, fears, nightmares, etc. all that kid stuff, I never felt safe to call on her. I always and forever wanted my dad.....but he wasn't always there. I've often wondered what happened during those first three years of my life, because neither one of them seems to want to talk about it at all. They are more than happy to talk about anything and everything .... in detail....from when they met, got married, and had my brother.....but the time frame from my brother's 1st birthday until they divorced, they simply just don't talk about except to say that it just wasn't a good time in their lives. My dad will say it was a "really bad time" but won't explain why. My earliest memories are of emotional abuse and nothing else.

There's also a gap in my memory from the time my dad moved out (when I was almost 4) and the time my mom started dating my step-dad 8 months later. I have vivid recollection from the time we moved into that house, until we moved out, except for those 8 months. My mom always says to me, "How could you forget that time and nothing else? That's when I dated Chris and you adored him!" I asked her once if I was ever left alone with him. She immediately repsonded, "No! Why on earth would you ever think that??" You would have thought I had said that I thought my father wasn't my real dad or something. She was defensive about it. Which has always sat at the back of my mind gnawing on me. Did something happen and she doesn't want me to remember it?? Hmmm. Makes me wonder. I just know that it wasn't too long after that blank spot in my mind that I developed a distate for certain kinds of clothing, namely dresses. I would literally get nauseous if I had to put one on. The material felt awful on my body...yet no other clothing made me feel that way. I would just cry every time I had to wear a dress and when my mom would find out about it, she would reprimand me and tell me I was being ridiculous.

I don't know. I have had those memories for years and the blank spot in my memory. They are just as vivid as the rest of my childhood and adolescence, so I don't think they are false memories.

I still hate dresses. I hate the way they feel. I don't know why. I suppose it could just be a personal preference, but every time I have one on, something inside me just wants to hurry up and get out of it. I love the way dresses look and I wish I could stand them long enough to wear them, but I can't, unless I really force myself to.