What is the answer to this? Am I too sensitive or insensitive? Am I missing social cues? nuances? My therapist notes I am a deeply sensitive person who may notice more than I know how to deal with. She might be onto something.

Having grown up in such intense childhood pain caused me to ask the existential question early on: What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? Where am I going? That was about at age 5. The rest was downhill until my brain got developed enough to abstract the end from the beginning.

Going out in the overly-stressed world causes me to feel their energy and it is too much for me. The pace is too quick, the words too many, the volume too loud, the listening skills too shallow. Too-too world. I could blame it on my age now that I am 66, but I've always felt this way, even back in school where I felt valued and safe. I needed meds then that I am taking now.

I have a few people in my life and that's just enough. I make pleasantry with clerks, etc. and that's just enough. I have a therapist and you DS-ers and that's just enough. I am retired, but were I to begin a career again, I would pick assembly line work or something similar in clerical work, like in a library checking in books all day.

Youth demands more of us 'cause it seems to have energy to burn. Although the depressive state smacks down energy like nothing else. Maybe that's why depression is comforting in some odd way, for the isolation is soothing--to a point and then it rules with a vengeance. I've learned to listen to myself better as a result of depression's teaching. I've learned to listen better to others. To have someone listen back is few and far between. Perhaps that is why we have therapists and go to support groups. The rest of the world seems to be going at an insane pace for listening...truly listening and responding with empathy.

Hi WN,
You could not be more right,only you have missed out one
important asset--your intelligence. It's taken me years to finally see
that not all people have access to the same amount of intelligence
that I have. I always ASSUMED other people had the same access
as me to intelligence; I could not have been more wrong.
You are dead right about your therapist being on to something.
It probably wouldn't enter your mind,as it didn't enter mine,but here is a
little true tale: Girl goes to psychiatrist complaining that she gets
irritable and annoyed at people. After some discussion,the doc says:
"Well, I think you'll just have to accept your superiority." Girl says,"But I
don't want to be superior!" "In that case,psychiatrist says,you'll keep
on getting angry because people are not as quick on the uptake or
perception as you---you will have to accept that everyone does not
have access to the same intellect as yourself."
I tell you,it DOES lower the irritability factor:)
Kind Regards,
jimindigo

I think you're right about that, but when you're a retired guy living on nickels and dimes, nobody wants to get mixed up with you.

What if somebody thinks I'm a frail old guy and he tries to beat me up and rob me? If I beat the crap out of him, does that count as human contact?

OK, I was just messing with you in that last paragraph. Humor is sometimes all that keeps me going.

Jimindigo, I don't understand your reply. My "abstract" antennae" seems too dim for your level of intelligence. Or wit. Or both. I am not irritated, though.HA

And getting old, RitchieD, does make a person somewhat invisible, especially if on a bare-bones pension. I rather like being invisible. Fits more of my needs than not. And being invisible would definitely come in handy were someone to rob me! But then, where would the human contact be?

Something to think about, Dynamical, in the learning styles of all of us in being so different. It's amazing that people get along as well as they do given our histories.

day to day.....that is a real problem
Ever notice how many social outings require food?
I have Celiac disease.
Get sick if people eat the bread they always put down while you wait for food to come.

So I have to set up a mess of rules before people even get to know me. Not everyone is willing to accommodate OR they don't understand and think it is no big deal.

I come here. That is the best I can do right now.

I'm working on this right now. I suppose any opportunity to engage another - here for example - is a chance to have that human insight. I didn't realize how much until this storm hit. It's been difficult to not have peers to talk with.

I'm also learning how to engage as a healthy person, meaning a typical one, rather than as someone who comes off as a little ... curious, or something to be pitied or tolerated. So this is necessary, but I think our task is a challenging one. There are some abuse - ees who go to their graves never knowing that there was another way, their roles were so engrained into them. I don't want to be like that.

I hear ya'. I, too, want to go to my grave with stabilized emotions. Meanwhile, I am learning like a brand new kid in a wrinkling body.

My eyes used to be "victimized" in the hope that each new person could be my lighthouse of new direction. Most people are not trained like therapists are, so I gave up on that of which my kids and friends appreciated. When I go out now, my eyes are "therapized" from years of therapy and self-help recovery language, which has become my first language and "social circle" speaking as my second language. That's why I am so bored when I meet in groups. It's like I have had a near-death experience and have come back to life with the essence of what life is REALLY about etched into my mind-screen; the rest just seems like a big silly game.

And yet, there can be a lot of fun in the fool-de-rah of being silly. That I desire. My sense of humor has made a comeback and my antics keep my husband laughing all day. Same with our adult kids. So, slowly but surely I am taking my sense of playfulness on the road in very tiny baby steps.

Sharing a meal with others has some roots worthy of exploring. Go to The Dinner Table discussion on this site to learn more. How we relate at meals is a real eye opener as to over all social development. Eating together can be intimate and fun. I'm on a special diet, too, so I try to eat (stir around) the things I can't have without destroying the moment of shared fun we could otherwise have. I can eat beforehand or later by myself. What I come to the table for now is the feeling of human comfort through conversational fun.

This has been such a good post for me. Thanks Beaumont for the topic and thanks all of you for sharing your comments and hearing mine.

First and foremost I want to thank you, Richie, for the humor. It was a bit funny!! I needed a laugh today. As for my social life; Right now is nil. I am very in need of human contact. That's why I went to this Topic. I always have wondered about other people and their agoraphobia. I now have a bit of that and it scares me. When I leave my place; every single time I push myself to go out. Sometimes I have to check if I'm dressed in the right attire as my ptsd consumes me. I have very much always lived an "isolated" life; Yet I was constantly crying out for HELP.

One thing though; I was crying out in a strange way. It was like telekinetic ; sending messages by my face. Some one would know if they read my facial expressions. I do know that some people, including (authority- figure) or just part of my social life, knew something was wrong with me. Nothing was brought up. So nothing was done to help me. Like enoughalready,,mentioned; I was something to be pitied and I loathed in self-pity for years. I never want to live that way again. At that time I was binging on alcohol and drugs and FOOD. As for social situations they always engage with food. Even after Funerals people go eat cake and/or food. And some even engage in alcohol as every boyfriend of mine had. Even my ex-husband; his family did also. I was never home if I could help it. (get away from father-abuser). That was from early ages on up thru High School.
From around Kindergarten on up is when I began "ostracizing" myself. (photographic memory) Phobias even back then. There was NO communication at home. Only father "yelling" at us. So growing up around him all those years; I did not learn to communicate until College maybe. (?) Then after almost graduation time I was sexually assaulted. That brought all of my childhood memories FLOODING OVER ME. (shot down again.) I just built MORE walls. I felt punished every attempt I made to "socialize" or "communicate"; I was abused.

My Mom always said, "its not us; it is the rest of the World!" (she is deceased) at the hands of father's EVIL,, emotional, psychological ,mental and verbal abuse most of her life into retirement. She worked all her adult life supporting (him) and my brother and me. I don't know what would've been like if we didn't have her. Such a sweet lady. She had a lot of "class" early adult years.. At Mom's funeral all he kept telling EVERYONE, that "She was such a good COMMUNICATOR!" ; irony or satire--? WTF excuse my language. (he is narcissistic.)
So I've written enough!! ...I thank everyone here on ds- ; you are all special people. And we deserve to be LOVED. I learned that a year ago. I cut off all ties with father one year ago this month. I was told I could.!!