ME TOO. I DID THE SAME THING. IT WAS ABOUT SURVIVAL THEN AND KNOW IT'S ABOUT HEALING IF WE ALLOW IT.

I felt the same when I was child... the REAL impact this will have on my life is just recently becoming apparent to me. I am anxious about facing this and know it will not be easy but I KNOW I will be okay because I CHOOSE to heal :-)

My mother's abuse was directed at my mind, so instead, I had my imagination. As long as I didn't write them down or speak of them, she couldn't destroy them. And in that respect, I was right. What she didn't know of my daydreams she couldn't hurt. Everything else was up for grabs. My lovely imagination has spawned a story or three in that time....fantastical worlds of magic and mystery, tales of long lost loves, and such as that. My mother tried very hard to prevent me from doing anything creative with my life. She saw it all as unrealistic. How very closed minded of her. Turns out I am engaged to the very soul mate I dreamt up in my head, I have the relationship I used to act out in the privacy of my room as an adolescent. I can also weave a tale worthy of literary praise. So, despite my mother's efforts to destroy the very things that make me ... me, I win at the end of every day, because I didn't lose my truest self. Oh it was buried, that is for certain, but it wasn't lost.

My abuse was directed at my mind, and about control. Also, at every turn, they did their best to squash my creative outlets.
So for me I drew the line at physical abuse, but only after my second abuser who fell into both mental and physical control/abuse. I am downright dangerous around physical abusers, because for whatever reason I drew a mental line there, my last ex recalls a time I put him in the hospital because he and his friend tried to hold me down and rape me when I wasn't injured, I blacked out, but apparently tried to kill him. Oops.
I have an eating issue because of my abuse, mainly that what I put into (or refused to) was my only control. You can lead me to food, but screw you if you think you can make me eat! LOL! In some of my worse times, I have starved myself down to less then 80lbs, because I'd be darned if they could make me eat if I didn't want to. I'm getting over it, but it's a tough one.

My perception of the world and of people in the world has been scewed by my abuse. As CountryWoman is talking about her eating disorder, it made me think. I am trying to overcome my eating disorder as well. But that is totally about CONTROL! That is the one thing we could control in our lives.

I would say my mind was injured or effected by my abuse. I have to be in control in my life now!

It is totally about control, because you have the control to overeat, to eat away your emotions, to refuse to eat, to throw it up if you can't refuse. Your control, for me, the only thing I could control!
Sadly, my therapist says I know have to relearn how to hear my body, I ahve spent so many years controlling what I eat based on my emotions, and my mind, I honestly cannot hear my body tell me it is hungry. And the control issues are fading, but I still don't eat enough. Because I can't hear my body say I am hungry, so if I get busy, I forget (literally forget) to stop and eat. Sometimes for days if my SO doesn't remind me. I remember to feed everyone else, but I forget to stop doing laundry or working or feeding them to eat myself. Thank god I found a great SO shortly after I left my ex, I might have gotten so busy I'd starve to death!

I am so raw and so in pain and i have a husband that does not understand and he tries but he makes fun of me and calls me a victim and he has an explosive temper and I used to be more shut down but I cant take it any more I just cry all the time and am broken in 1000 pieces. He has ptsd too and wasnt always like this its a longer story than i can explain right now but sometimes I just dont think I can take any more pain. I am so sensitive I just cant stand to talk to people anymore. Everyone is critical I am called dramatic or whatever but I just cant be other than I am I am breaking.

I withdrew from reality daily starting before I was old enough to go to school. It really can harm your mind. Thank God He was able to heal my mind so that I can live a happy and productive life! I still have some struggles, but nothing I can't overcome with God's help.

The hardest part of this for me is that the abuse literally changed the way my brain developed and how it responds to stress signals and how it's able to engage with others. I thought I was safe in my mind, but the chronic stress and fear of childhood had profound implications on how my mind will work for the rest of my life. Ugh. It makes me so sad sometimes.

But, as my therapist would say, it just is what it is. I just need to learn coping skills so I can live the healthiest life possible. But the fact that the effects of the abuse will live in my neurological wiring for the rest of my life really gets me down sometimes.

It's not so bleak as you might think. I just recently finished an anatomy course for massage therapy school. Science has discovered that our neurons (basically our nerves) in the brain may not be able to repair themselves, however they are capable of moving and creating new connections. With those new coping skills that you are learning, you are basically forming new habits, forcing your neurons to make differenct connections, essentially disconnecting from the previous pattern of electrical transmission. This may sound really confusing, but the truth is, we CAN change our brains. It takes repetition because the neuron wants to go back to its original location. However, the more we practice a new habit or coping skill, the stronger the new connection becomes and thus the old habit disappears.

Ooops I forgot a point.....chemical transmission may not be able to be changed. Science has yet to prove that a change occurs in actual chemical transmission with a change in habit. So, if you build new habits and don't find adequate relief, then the possibility exists that a chemical issue is part of the problem. I know that for me, stress has had a profound effect on my chemical balance. Despite 11 years of recovery, change in habits and so forth, I have discovered that without a specific type of anti-depressant medication, I do not have clarity of thought. It isn't about how I feel, but how well I think. When I take my medication, I still feel my emotions as deeply as I did without medication. The difference is in my ability to think clearly.

Thank you for sharing that Jilie! That is so true the brain is more resilent than we think. We can always learn new ways, and make an even stronger pathway in our brain.
Thanks again! :)