Child Abuse does leave lasting effects. It shaped the very core of our beliefs about life, people, and ourselves. However, I simply cannot buy into any idea that says it isn't repairable, or that those beliefs cannot be unlearned and replaced with healthier ones. If I give into that line of thinking, then there wouldn't be much point to living. Who wants to live like that forever?

I really do believe these conditions can be overcome. I'm not at the finish line, ready for my victory celebration, but I have made so much progress from where I started when I left home and entered into adulthood. Depression was the first stumbling block I tackled. I first got help with that in my early 20s. Of course, I fought against the treatment (medication only) because I had this underlying belief that I could be happy without a pill. I just could not let that idea go. It has been quite the journey from there.

I think one of the best things that I have done is to study and practice the concept of living in the here and now. It takes a lot of practice to keep my thoughts in this moment, but when I do, I am not in emotional pain from my childhood and I am not yearning for things that aren't here yet. Like I said it's a very difficult practice, but it is so worth it when I can achieve even a few minutes of it. It's a relief!

Other things that have worked for me....I do take anti-depressants, because I have a clarity of thought while on them that I don't always have when I am not taking them. I like having that clarity. Without it, I am not able to identify what is causing me to feel so sad. I've been taking medication off and on for the past 20 years. I used to look at it like a life sentence, but now I don't. Now that I have been through school for massage therapy and I have studied the effects of stress on the human body, its a very real possibility that growing up in a stress-filled environment MAY HAVE affected the natural development and growth of my brain. I don't know this for certain, but it quite possible. Stress can cause heart disease and a host of digestive disorders, why wouldn't affect the brain and its chemistry, too?? So, I hope there may come a day when I don't require my medication, but I don't expect it anymore. I've come to accept the possibility that my brain chemistry was damaged by stress and that I may require medication to compensate for that for life. I can live with that.

I went through a year of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I keep the book, Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns on hand to remind me of the exercises that help overcome negative thinking. Negative thinking is what destroys my self-esteem, immobilizes me from action in life, and creates a great deal of anxiety and sadness for me. I think this therapy is extremely useful in undoing the habit of thinking negatively and building a new habit of thinking realistically and rationally. From there, I've been able to move into thinking more and more positively without entering into the realm of grandiosity or delusions. I can look for the good in a situation and not be blinded by the challenge that may exist. It has helped me find that middle ground, the gray area, where all aspects of a situation are visible to me, not just the negative or the positive.

There are a host of other therapies out there that people have used to overcome PTSD symptoms that stem from child abuse. I haven't experienced those, but I hear a lot of people praising EMDR as a way of integrating fragmented memories into normal memory storage. You'd have to read about it, because I certainly do not remember exactly how it works.

I'm still discovering the emotional and mental developmental milestones that I missed as a result of my own history. As I do, I work with my therapist to find ways to honor that InnerChild of mine and help her reach those milestones and integrate them. In a way, I am parenting myself and learning what I did not learn and thus growing and maturing emotionally and mentally. I am working now on these things, attempting to bridge the gap from my underdeveloped parts and my ability to think like an adult. Its not easy. I don't know how to do it, so I ask for help from others who have done this sort of work themselves or who have the training and education to provide the answers and knowledge I need. In a sense, I have a host of unmet needs and I never learned how to attend to those needs on my own. So, I'm learning how to do that.

I've come a long way. I'm able to recognize my triggers and when I'm falling back into my old habit of reliving my past. I've found my voice and despite a great deal of fear, I can tell my fiance what I need when I need emotional support. People can overcome the damage. I am.

I think every-bodies life experiences change them. People who see the death of loved ones are forever changed.Abuse survivors are forever changed. People who undergo great trauma (car accidents, war, ect) are forever changed.
My belief though is that this makes us no worse then anyone else! We are what we are, and some of that is from what we have been through. There is no shame in that, there is no shame or bad in the fact that what I have been through is different in many ways from Jillie, from my next door neighbor, from what my son will go through. It is what it is, and all I can do is heal to the best of my abilities and move forward, the same as everyone else!

I really hope I'm not "beyond repair". Looking back, I do have good things I have done with my life, but it all has come at a cost. I do have issues, but my abuse experiences have made me more understanding of others, more focused on the things that really matter, more grateful for the things I have.

I see so many people acting all entitled and arguing over stupid stuff so many times. i love peace of mind so much than when I see that I observe other people's stupid fights as meaningless.

So yes, abuse does change the way people live, but I have to say that doesn't have to be for the bad.