A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group

We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...

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Trauma Re-Enactment

hopeinjoy
hopeinjoy
Any information /input anyone has about this would be MUCH appreciated. I am totally caught in this: re-enacting trauma, feeling a desperate fake (self-sacrificing) cheerfulness (based on abusive relationship from past). Mistreating myself and acting in anti-social ways (a lot of it is very physical) that keep me feeling terrible about myself and alone.
RichieD
RichieD
I find myself stuck in a caregiver/self-sacrificing mode at times. I was the scapegoat in my family who tried to take care of everyone else. Also I was raised to think of the needs of others before my own, always.

Buying new clothes for myself, doing things that only benefit myself...these are hard for me sometimes and there's shame connected with the concept of "being kind to yourself". I tend to dress in drab colors and wear clothes that are all frayed and worn out while newer clothes hang unused in the closet...it's like I'm not good enough to wear something that looks good.

I often have these feelings like I have to suffer and do penance for no particular reason. At times I can be very self destructive. Sometimes I really feel like I don't deserve to be happy and when bad things happen I feel like it's my fault somehow.

It's not a lot of fun to live like this, but I don't know how to do anything else.
hopeinjoy
hopeinjoy
I just realized how weird and complicated that post sounded. I am just wondering if there is anyone who knows anything about the subject of trauma re-enactment. I am referring to a physical trauma that was done to me that I keep repeating (not like I'm abusing anyone or anything) but it is compulsive and keeps me feeling terrible about myself. (I know it is from an abusive relationship, from childhood.) I'd rather not talk about it too specifically, but if anyone needs further clarification, I will try to be more specific even though I'm not gonna feel comfortable saying exactly what it is, lol. "