A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
so, I never thought I would find myself talking about this. As I grew up, I always thought getting whipped (literally) was normal. My mom whipped and beat the crap out of all of us. Somehow, I always thought I was the one who got the worse of it though.
After having two kids of my own, I found that... Maybe, I was just abused. Anyway, my mother has been dead over 10yrs now. When she died, I was very sad but relieved. Although, the nightmares never went away.
Every once in a while, I'll have a nightmare where she is holding my arm real tight and whipping me with whatever she could find. In the old days, I was lucky if it was a wooden stick. At least, if the wooden stick broke she'd stop. If it was a metal hanger or piece of metal rod, forget it. She beat the crap out of me until I couldn't cry anymore or until she was satisfied.
You might wonder why we got the beatings. I used to blame everyone except my mom. You see, when we had Parent Teacher conferences, my elementary teacher would tell my mom that I needed help with whatever it was (I forget). Now, my teacher is probably thinking that my mom is normal and that somehow, my mom would provide, "help". Oh yea, she provided... help in the form of a beating. As soon as we got home, she grabbed my arm and grabbed a stick. She said, "You need help huh" and the beating started. It was like this as far back as I could remember until I was around 16 and yea, I totally blamed my teacher.
When I turned around 16 or so, she tried to beat me so I ran away. I came back and she didn't even try to beat me again. That was all I remember. Then, I found out she was sick and the Doc gave her only a few years to live.
Other times she would beat the crap out of me because she found out that I had a friend. We weren't allowed to have friends. We were expected to be home immediately after school. We weren't allowed to participate in any school activities either. Heck, I remember when I was probably 12. I met a real nice girl by the name of Jennifer. We spoke on the phone secretly until one day my mom picked up the other line and heard it. That night, she beat me so bad and said she was going to drain my blood and give it to that girl if I ever talked to her again. Next day, I called Jen when my mom was out and told her I was sorry but I couldn't talk to her again. Jen was upset and thought I didn't like her. It was one of my worse memory.
My future relationships were all plagued by this beating. I "learned" not to have any friends until at least around 16. My first girlfriend (minus Jen) wasn't until I was 18. My friend and girlfriend relationships all didn't do very well until much later in life.
Now, I know better and blame my late mother. I blame her for ruining my childhood and most of my 20's. I hate her so bad. I can't seem to forgive her at all. I've thought about getting professional help several times only to say no to myself. I didn't want anyone to know the hell I went through. I didn't want to be embarrassed.
I just think to myself. What monster would beat her kids so bad? Hell, I love my kids. I would never even think about even slapping one of them. My kids worse punishment is no video games or tv for the whole day.
After having two kids of my own, I found that... Maybe, I was just abused. Anyway, my mother has been dead over 10yrs now. When she died, I was very sad but relieved. Although, the nightmares never went away.
Every once in a while, I'll have a nightmare where she is holding my arm real tight and whipping me with whatever she could find. In the old days, I was lucky if it was a wooden stick. At least, if the wooden stick broke she'd stop. If it was a metal hanger or piece of metal rod, forget it. She beat the crap out of me until I couldn't cry anymore or until she was satisfied.
You might wonder why we got the beatings. I used to blame everyone except my mom. You see, when we had Parent Teacher conferences, my elementary teacher would tell my mom that I needed help with whatever it was (I forget). Now, my teacher is probably thinking that my mom is normal and that somehow, my mom would provide, "help". Oh yea, she provided... help in the form of a beating. As soon as we got home, she grabbed my arm and grabbed a stick. She said, "You need help huh" and the beating started. It was like this as far back as I could remember until I was around 16 and yea, I totally blamed my teacher.
When I turned around 16 or so, she tried to beat me so I ran away. I came back and she didn't even try to beat me again. That was all I remember. Then, I found out she was sick and the Doc gave her only a few years to live.
Other times she would beat the crap out of me because she found out that I had a friend. We weren't allowed to have friends. We were expected to be home immediately after school. We weren't allowed to participate in any school activities either. Heck, I remember when I was probably 12. I met a real nice girl by the name of Jennifer. We spoke on the phone secretly until one day my mom picked up the other line and heard it. That night, she beat me so bad and said she was going to drain my blood and give it to that girl if I ever talked to her again. Next day, I called Jen when my mom was out and told her I was sorry but I couldn't talk to her again. Jen was upset and thought I didn't like her. It was one of my worse memory.
My future relationships were all plagued by this beating. I "learned" not to have any friends until at least around 16. My first girlfriend (minus Jen) wasn't until I was 18. My friend and girlfriend relationships all didn't do very well until much later in life.
Now, I know better and blame my late mother. I blame her for ruining my childhood and most of my 20's. I hate her so bad. I can't seem to forgive her at all. I've thought about getting professional help several times only to say no to myself. I didn't want anyone to know the hell I went through. I didn't want to be embarrassed.
I just think to myself. What monster would beat her kids so bad? Hell, I love my kids. I would never even think about even slapping one of them. My kids worse punishment is no video games or tv for the whole day.
One time when I was probably 8 or so years old, after the beating, I crawled behind the couch, face down and wished my mom was dead. I cried to myself. God knows if she heard me crying, she might come back to finish me off.
I didn't invite my mom to my high school graduation. I didn't tell her much about anything about my life. I moved out when I was 19. I didn't go visit her in her dieing days (even though my dad had beg me to). The only few times I went was because my older brother had forced me to.
I struggled for a long time as I put myself through college. I graduated and became a very successful engineer. If my mom were still alive today, I'm not sure if I would ever visit her because I wanted to.
I SAY TO YOU, LET GO, AND BE HAPPY, WHEN THE BAD DREAMS CAME, PRAY, IF YOU HAVE FAITH, ITS WHAT I DO, YOU HAVE DONE WELL WITH YOUR LIFE, ITS ALL THAT MATTERS, BE HAPPY, SHARE AS YOU FEEL, WE HAVE A MAIN GROUP ON ''PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE'' , ITS VERY ACTIVE, IF YOU FEEL LIKE JOINING , WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER, THERE IS NO SHAME IN LETTING GO OF OUR BAD EXPERIENCES, ABUSE, AND ITS A BLESSING TO BE ABLE TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS HERE THAT TUNDERSTAND.. LOVE LUCY**
You're totally right. For at least the first five or so years I felt very guilty not visiting her. It faded a lot since.
Through out the years I do forget and it feels great. All it takes is a nightmare and I'm awake thinking about it for days or weeks. And yea, sharing this also makes me feel better.