I essentially grew up in an abusive household. Without getting too detailed, it was sporadic and sudden; one minute all is well, the next minute my mother is screaming at the top of her lungs at me, and her arms are swinging away. Between that and a sexual molestation that occurred when I was really young, I became familiar with fear, shame, and guilt. I remember thinking (and still think this) that I must have been a horrible kid to make all this stuff happen. I literally thought that I was a screw up, but could never put my finger on exactly WHAT was wrong with me. It left me perpetually stuck in this view of myself.

I say all this because I never understood the fear, shame, and guilt of it all. Until this week. This week, I did something stupid, and fell for a scam. It was an evil person who did this, but I was on the losing end and I feel like I let my family down hugely. I have been trying to put together the pieces, feeling exactly 8 years old again, and it has been a rough ride. ....regrets?? Yes. But I don't regret the lessons learned.

I have been feeding myself, and have gained so much weight in my adult life. And this week, after this horrendous ordeal, I finally figured out why I feel like crap so often, have a non-existent self esteem, and feel so so stuck. When I overeat, I am feeding the guilt. When I act irrationally and panic, I am feeding the guilt and shame I felt then. It has been a revelation.

At first, I felt great!! Now I am left with the sobered realization that this will be a daily battle. But at least I know what I am up against. And that gives me hope.