A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
I don't think there was ever an event or point in my life at which I said to myself, "I am an adult now."
Maybe it's because I haven't done some of the things that people usually do in life that mark the transition from childhood to adulthood. I never went to a high school graduation or senior prom because I only made it as far as completing the ninth grade before my mother forced me to stop attending school. I never got a driver's license because I was told that I am too stupid to drive a car. I never really dated much or got married because I have been told that I am ugly. I never had children because I would never want anyone else to go through what I went through as a child. I haven't held jobs very long or made a career for myself because I was told that I would never amount to anything. I think it's possible that I don't try to make friends with people because I was told that I am evil.
It wasn't that I was told these things just once, but instead throughout the years of my childhood and my years as a teenager. And the words were reinforced with violent beatings and starvation and psychological abuse.
It was a mistake for me to believe all the negative things my abusers told me about myself. It's not too late for me to correct that mistake, however. I allowed other people's words stunt my development as a human being, and prevent me from having a normal personality.
Have you ever found yourself wondering if you are an adult or a grownup? Did you get to experience the normal transition from childhood to adulthood by participating in events like a high school graduation ceremony or a prom dance or in other ways?
Maybe it's because I haven't done some of the things that people usually do in life that mark the transition from childhood to adulthood. I never went to a high school graduation or senior prom because I only made it as far as completing the ninth grade before my mother forced me to stop attending school. I never got a driver's license because I was told that I am too stupid to drive a car. I never really dated much or got married because I have been told that I am ugly. I never had children because I would never want anyone else to go through what I went through as a child. I haven't held jobs very long or made a career for myself because I was told that I would never amount to anything. I think it's possible that I don't try to make friends with people because I was told that I am evil.
It wasn't that I was told these things just once, but instead throughout the years of my childhood and my years as a teenager. And the words were reinforced with violent beatings and starvation and psychological abuse.
It was a mistake for me to believe all the negative things my abusers told me about myself. It's not too late for me to correct that mistake, however. I allowed other people's words stunt my development as a human being, and prevent me from having a normal personality.
Have you ever found yourself wondering if you are an adult or a grownup? Did you get to experience the normal transition from childhood to adulthood by participating in events like a high school graduation ceremony or a prom dance or in other ways?
I did experience some of those things, but . . . they weren't right. I didn't understand what they were for, and didn't know how things should go. For instance, when I got married I had never been to a wedding. I didn't know what it should be like. So I put on a dress (not a wedding dress, just a dress) and we got married in a church. There was only a brief, minimal cermony. There were two (2) guests. (had to have a witness) There was no reception, no decorations, no food. No celebrating. The only other people I invited were my parents, and they did not come. My mother (almost unbelievable to me now) said they didn't want to drive after dark. It was a sad, depressing, almost furtive little rite. We went home afterwards and it was wam bam thank you mam, roll over and go to sleep. That was it. There wasn't anything special about the day. It was just over.
No, I was not pregnant. I just . . . didn't know what a real wedding was supposed to be.
Still, all things considered, it's better that you got married in a church instead of standing in a line and paying a few dollars for a marriage certificate at the county recorder's office - just imagine how it must be for people who get married like that.
I feel better about myself today than I did in the past. I am not as ignorant about what life is all about - I know a little now. In the past I was like a one-winged bird flopping around on the ground, looking up and wondering why I couldn't be like all the other birds who could fly. Now I feel like a bird with two complete wings, and all I need is for others to give me chance to show that I can fly, too.
I hope you find some happiness in life. Life is rich with opportunities and possibilities; we just have to prepare ourselves as best we can at the present, with the little or the much that we have, and go out and look around and learn what's possible, and try, and make mistakes, and learn, and get better at things, and find our wings.
I must disagree with you that it was better to be married in a church. It would have been better to be married by a justice of the peace in a civil ceremony. The man I married didn't know the meaning of "love, honor and cherish," and neither did I. I'm not altogether sure I know now.
I hope you find happiness too, Beaumont. I'm finding a measure of contentment at last, at least partly because of the Child Abuse Support Group that YOU started. I remember you said in one of your past posts that you had accomplished nothing in your 47 years . . . but did you ever think of the people who have been helped by coming here? You have helped me, though you may not realize it, from many, many miles away. I have talked about things here that I never could talk about before, and learned things that I really needed to know but might have never found out if I waited for some therapist to tell me. Thank you, Beaumont.
*hug*
I NEEDED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES, I HAD LONG FEET, I HAD TO BUY THEM BECAUSE OF SCHOOL, SO SHE GAVE ME THE MONEY AND SENT ME ALL ALONE, BUT THEN I WAS USED TO TO THINGS ALL ALONE, NOT MY SISTERS , BUT ME ALWAYS ALONE, MY OLDER SISTER WAS THERE, AND THEY WERE TALKING, SO I LEFT AND WEN TO BUY THE SHOES, WE LIVED IN A VILLAFE SO EVERYBODY NEW EVERYBODY, STILL I HAD TO CHOOSE THE SHOES ,A PAIR OF MALE MOCASSINS , THEY WERE COMFY, I WAS BUT ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD, I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE THE SHOES, BUT I REMEMBER FEELING SO ALONE, ALWAYS EXPECTED TO DO THINGSBY MYSELF, WHICH I DID, LATELY THIS MEMORY CAMES, AND I THINK ,WHY COULDN'T MUM SEE THAT I WAS SO YOUNG, NEEDED GUIDANCE, WHY COULDN'T MY OLDER SISTER CAME WITH ME''
WELL, NOTHING I CAN DO NOW, BUT BE KIND AND LOVING TOWARDS OTHERS, HELPFUL, MISSED SO MUCH IN MY CHILDHOOD..LOVE TO ALL**
"mostly I just find I am "out of kilter" with most people- they are doing totally different things at my age- they are living with foundations and a history, and I am living moment by moment with a void behind me, in many ways."
Finally. It makes complete sense. Thank you. Moment by moment is survival mode, how we learned to be. How we managed to survive. We can never catch up to the void, no matter how long we live because that void occurred during our formative years. Like yours, my own brain never got the chance to wire properly :(