A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
For lack of a better term, I will use 'normal-phobia' to describe people who have an obsessive hate and/or fear of normal people.
My mother was a normal-phobic. She hated and feared normal people, and she devoted her life to destroying the lives of normal people.
I was one of her targets throughout my childhood and even after I escaped from her. She was a vicious person. When I joined the military in my twenties, I did so because it was my only option in life; I couldn't find a job, was facing homelessness and starvation, and I didn't know what else to do. Unfortunately, what they do in the U.S. Army is that as soon as someone joins, they put out a press release to the newspaper in the town the person comes from, so my mother found out. She contacted my commanding officers to try to do everything she could to have me forced out of the Army. She wrote letters and made phone calls telling them all kinds of lies about me. She told them that I was mentally retarded, that I had a heart condition, and that I was a spy. She kept at it for two years, and eventually succeeded in having me forced out of the Army, leaving me with no options other than returning to living homeless on the streets.
Today I am forty-seven years old, and I have accomplished nothing in life. I am afraid to try anything, because I know in my mind that anything I try will only end in miserable failure. I have never married, had children, gotten a driver's license, or done any of the things that ordinary people do. At present, I have no friends and no job, and no prospects for any kind of future. That is the price I have paid for having a normal-phobic parent.
I was not the only target of my mother. She used the same vicious tactics against neighbors and anyone else she had contact with in life. I didn't have friends as a child because of what she did to people. She conducted campaigns of lies against people until eventually she succeeded in finding the particular lie that was believable and that would destroy them. Thank God my mother died in January of this year, and now she can't hurt anyone else.
Do you know anyone who is normal-phobic? Have you ever been the target of someone with normal-phobia?
My mother was a normal-phobic. She hated and feared normal people, and she devoted her life to destroying the lives of normal people.
I was one of her targets throughout my childhood and even after I escaped from her. She was a vicious person. When I joined the military in my twenties, I did so because it was my only option in life; I couldn't find a job, was facing homelessness and starvation, and I didn't know what else to do. Unfortunately, what they do in the U.S. Army is that as soon as someone joins, they put out a press release to the newspaper in the town the person comes from, so my mother found out. She contacted my commanding officers to try to do everything she could to have me forced out of the Army. She wrote letters and made phone calls telling them all kinds of lies about me. She told them that I was mentally retarded, that I had a heart condition, and that I was a spy. She kept at it for two years, and eventually succeeded in having me forced out of the Army, leaving me with no options other than returning to living homeless on the streets.
Today I am forty-seven years old, and I have accomplished nothing in life. I am afraid to try anything, because I know in my mind that anything I try will only end in miserable failure. I have never married, had children, gotten a driver's license, or done any of the things that ordinary people do. At present, I have no friends and no job, and no prospects for any kind of future. That is the price I have paid for having a normal-phobic parent.
I was not the only target of my mother. She used the same vicious tactics against neighbors and anyone else she had contact with in life. I didn't have friends as a child because of what she did to people. She conducted campaigns of lies against people until eventually she succeeded in finding the particular lie that was believable and that would destroy them. Thank God my mother died in January of this year, and now she can't hurt anyone else.
Do you know anyone who is normal-phobic? Have you ever been the target of someone with normal-phobia?
You are 47. Not too old to find a life for yourself without her in it. And not too young to be naive. You may not be rich, but you have certainly figured out how to survive. That is a skill in and of itself! You have great computer skills, too.
What's next?
Exhaust the resources available. And then some. I prefer to work alone, but when I must (as in to survive) I've had to override my preference and extend beyond myself. There is a persona in me that can rise to the occasion and get something, but not necessarily sustain the energy for over a year without wearing myself out. I would go to Goodwill and resources like that and see what they have to offer in any type of work. I would redefine poverty as minimalism. Make a game out of what is otherwise something tormenting. America is in the throes of fierce competition for jobs but we are not yet third world.
There are many Christian organizations helping out. Find those kind-hearted people working there and believe in the concept of humanitarian goodness even if you don't align yourself with the doctrines of the organization. "Eat the meat and throw away the bones." Work amongst the community, i.e., food banks, Love Inc., gardens, etc. trying to help those in need and bless their hearts while they bless yours.
Someday you will probably have a basic social security pension, access to sliding scale housing, and senior discounts. You won't have to scale down if you have lived lean up to then. And if you get a full time job, still live lean with a little bit of fluff and save up for the rainy days.
You have a good education, creative skills, and are enjoyable as a person on line. You have led out in many projects, have a good heart, care about social issues, have empathy and know how to give support to those of us on line. And a good sense of humor!
I am always amazed at the power a parent has over a child, either way, but even more amazed when those of us from mentally ill homes turn out so sane despite the odds. I have OCD/chronic PTSD, so didn't come out of my home unscathed, but I did get a better education than both my folks and have had many opportunities they didn't have.
Keep the dialogue going, okay? I think this is a topic very much needed.
I really do want to succeed in life. I have this plan of getting a job, taking driving lessons, buying a car, packing up all my belongings, and moving to a better part of the country where there are shade trees and single family homes and people who have intact families. Many of those things are all out of my reach here because the cost of living is so high and the culture here is stacked against people like me. I've got to get out of this place. I just have to put together a plan for doing it on minimum wage.
"I have this plan of getting a job, taking driving lessons, buying a car, packing up all my belongings, and moving to a better part of the country where there are shade trees and single family homes and people who have intact families." [Your destination. (Sounds like a dream to me. And where there's a dream, there's hope).]
My mom was like this. I my understanding of her in retrospect she seemed to be this bullied unhappy un-actualized woman. My siblings got pulled at too. They eventually manifested themselves on their terms. I suppose in my own way I have to, though there's a lot I still want to work on. She died in 1999. When asked of what, I used to tell people she died of disgust. I don't know what but there was something(s) she never made peace with. You can tell by her lack of happiness: no friends really save one toward the last decade of her life.
Some I think I might know what happened to her with her sibs(?); my sibs tried to pull the same shit on me. But I took a different approach: I was vocal in my hatred of my brother who physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. I was obvious about my desire and ability to live without them. Eventually I saw my sister for what she really was, and cut her loose. I knew their behavior was not ok. I mourned because of the way things "should have been". But how things should have been is no reason to sacrifice your life to misery.
Perhaps you're in a mourning place?
I've learned a lot of things recently, all the positive things that I'm capable of doing to create relationships of any kind. But a thought popped into my head that the more intimate they are the more likely I am to act out, maybe without realizing it. This worries me. I'm so used to living with being less than others, that I have no idea how to trust the positive. This is the kind of trust that comes with taking risks. I don't know how ready I am.
and EAN, describing, "because it's all you know." All I know from learning of mistakes I've made in my past, is "test the deep waters" before diving in. All my life I lived "on the edge" so to speak. I always took dangerous risks and I had no fear back then. Lately, what I've learned is that there's a WHOLE new self discovery waiting in everybody. It is just up to them to take a chance and see what happens. For me; (I'm never ready) -I just look into it to make sure it is somewhat safe and take the chance of failing. /or winning.
Being homeless is what brought me into a direction I needed to be going toward. (poverty mostly.)
which right now I am going even a much further distance toward being physically disabled and it is humbling.
I know things line up after another leading to the next right move to make. ...............FATE some of time....... --- gratefully gizzzy
Turned that one around. I became a superior project manager. My guest chair was frequently filled with Vice Presidents who needed me to get their project back in the black.
I just loved figuring out what the problems were and fixing them. Then I moved on to the next project.