A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
Some abused children, having escaped their abuse, and having nowhere to go and no one to turn to, become loners or society's dropouts. They tend to end up in jobs that pay minimally, live in places such as old hotels and motels, homeless shelters, or other places of poverty, have few or no friends, move frequently, are sometimes homeless, and generally don’t put down roots anywhere. They may have incomplete educations through no fault of their own; perhaps their families simply did not value education. They spend their lives running from their pasts and their abusers. They learned early to trust no one and to expect nothing from life.
They may have met up against the predatory nature of the human species – they have been attacked more often than they would be if they were one of a pair or one of a larger group such as a family, or even a member of society. It is quite possible for them to go many years without meeting a single trustworthy, responsible, decent human being if they are living among the dregs of society. They don’t always know to ask for help and they may not have discovered their strengths and resiliency in life.
Many do not know that life can be any different for them. Even when they stay in one place for very long, they may not realize it will take them several years to self-rehabilitate or reform their lives on their own. They may need help, but where can they turn?
They may have met up against the predatory nature of the human species – they have been attacked more often than they would be if they were one of a pair or one of a larger group such as a family, or even a member of society. It is quite possible for them to go many years without meeting a single trustworthy, responsible, decent human being if they are living among the dregs of society. They don’t always know to ask for help and they may not have discovered their strengths and resiliency in life.
Many do not know that life can be any different for them. Even when they stay in one place for very long, they may not realize it will take them several years to self-rehabilitate or reform their lives on their own. They may need help, but where can they turn?
Yes, I do believe that life of the abused is a struggle, but issues of homelessness, poverty and lifestyles that aren't prosperous transcend to all kinds of people. Not all people who suffer abuse end up like that; it does happen at all scales of society, and wealth and lifestyle may not play a part in abusive situations.
I do see a relationship between surviving abuse and constant feelings of not deserving better. I am in a constant struggle against self-sabotaging. Not an easy fight.
Yes, I do believe that life of the abused is a struggle, but issues of homelessness, poverty and lifestyles that aren't prosperous transcend to all kinds of people. Not all people who suffer abuse end up like that; it does happen at all scales of society, and wealth and lifestyle may not play a part in abusive situations.
I do see a relationship between surviving abuse and constant feelings of not deserving better. I am in a constant struggle against self-sabotaging. Not an easy fight.
People underestimate the over-riding importance of "fitting in" socially in being successful. When someone is put in charge of hiring new people in an organization, they do tend to hire people who resemble themselves.
If you can't find where you fit into society, you still have the choice of creating your place in society. First, decide what it is that you would like to try - which doesn't mean you can't change paths at some point in the future - and then find out what you need to do to reach your goal. You are fortunate to be living in a country where you have great opportunities, but you are saddled with the burden of choosing one. Don't worry so much about what you are suited for, but instead decide what you like or what interests you. Then, make a beginning, no matter how small, that connects you to your goal. Be careful who you talk to you about your goal, because there are always people who will tell you it cannot be done - they are, of course, the people who say that nothing can be done, and we know that's not true. The most important thing you can do it not worry about why it might not work, but just make some connection between you and what you want. As you work to reach your goal, you will find more things that can help you along.
In 1991, I was living in a shack built by myself and another homeless man. We each had our own room in the shack, plus a common room. I lived in that shack for two years, without heat when the ground was covered in snow, without running water, and without electricity. I didn't know any other way to live. Then in 1993, I came to San Diego, California, where I lived in the bushes by a highway and slept under a tree on a piece of cardboard at night. Now live in a place with heat, running water, and electricity. If I can make that kind of transition, I know that you can decide on a goal and make a first small step toward it, and then go the distance to attain your dreams in life. Decide now. Make your first connection in this moment. Know that waiting is a sucker's game, so don't delay. You are more powerful than you know, you just haven't discovered it yet.
Its not a good life, but at leaste I dont have to deal with bills, and the shit that comes along with money. I dont know though, one half wants to be planted in one place, the other wants to just start walking and die on the road.
I'm reluctant to make the same mistake twice by starting another business. I had everything invested in my business and now I don't really have enough income in my retirement to put food on the table. I'm sure there are countries where small businesses can be started and make lots of money, but those days are gone in this country in my opinion. The multinational corporations own the government and most of everything else.
I have never seen it stated so starkly, but it is an apt description. Sometimes, I've wondered whether the world is not divided between those that inflict harm in order to get what they want, and those that receive harm so that others may get what they want.
I know that I love keeping guinea pigs because I understand prey animals. I identify with the cute fuzzy little rodents living in perpetual fear of being eaten more than I identify with the snake that wishes to eat them (I've kept snakes, as well.)
Thank you for starting this group, Beaumont. I have found it incredibly helpful. When I read that you were once homeless in San Diego, I nearly cried. I was born and raised in CA, and can only imagine you as one of the scruffy, bearded guys hanging out under one of the overpasses alongside the I-5. With as articulate as your writing is, I cannot imagine you cannot "get over the hurdle of entering college." You are a very clear thinker. That is half the battle right there.
Now I have goals, college, I buy stuff I want, for me. The relationship stuff is something I may never work out but I am happy with my goals and for now, being alone, on the road, with my little brothers bike, he did in a way, kill himself but in the end he unknowingly gave me something to live for, even if all it was, was riding free.
sadave46: I was thinking about this very problem just this morning, about how people who have been through abuse and trauma lose the ability to really connect with those that have not. Sure, we can try, but I know I always feel like I'm wearing a mask that is not mine, in order to seem "normal". And then there is the awful awareness that there are certain experiences that define your very existence, that fill the dark hollow spaces inside, that cannot even be acknowledged, let alone spoken of, lest the Others be offended and call you a freak and walk away or, worse, start preaching to you about what is wrong with you and how you've done it all to yourself and why can't you just be happy and forgive and on and on.
I think this forum is a great place to find people who are actively aware of and are working on their issues. And these issues are not likely to be on the order of !%#!, My child is not getting straight A's, or They were all out of milk at the supermarket, or I will be late to work because I have to run Johnny to school because he missed the bus AGAIN, or I did not get to go to Prom... Not to trivialize life's everyday trials, but I think you know what I mean. I hear people talking like that, and I think, At least you have the opportunity to have children....