I'm still learning this too! However, one thing I do know after two bad and abusive relationships, is that to find a healthy relationship I have to have respect for myself. If I cannot respect myself then I cannot expect it from others, or hold my ground and say goodbye if they refuse to respect me.
As for learning to trust, I'm working on that. I have a hair trigger on breaking my trust, and I will create emotional distance to protect myself if I even THINK you might hurt me. Which makes relationships hard.
I am learning now what a healthy relationship is, because I am in one. However, it is a learning experience and very different from anything I have experienced before. So thank heavens he's patient with me!

I never thought about My Trust Issues but I really didn' t think about it in that way. I have been in some Relationship when I really cared about someone & they Cared about Me too but I would push away from that Person for whatever reason I didn' t know. Now I know it stemmed from My Child Abuse. Thanks for the Input. God Bless You All.

From my teens, I was very scared to get involved with a guy for fear of being totally controlled by him. As an adult, I've had a really 'out there' life, acted out very self destructively. I've also had a very unhealthy relationship, and at the time I had no respect for myself. These days, i live a good life, and have 2 men friends in it. I don't think i could HAVE men friends, except for my therapist. He was a man, and I learnt from him that there are some really good men in the world. I knew him for a long time, and trust grew slowly. So, now I have these 2 friends, and I'm enjoying getting to know them, and who knows what in the future.

Oh heck, I went the opposite direction. I handed out trust like free candy on Halloween. But then again, we all do some pretty strange things as a result of abuse. My method was definitely not a good one, by any means. It quite literally turned me into a serial victim for every abuser I walked past. Eventually, though, I learned how to be more cautious. It starts with setting boundaries and with taking tiny risks rather than big ones. I risked everything...every time. So, now, I start with much simpler stuff. I offer up a truth about myself that I've already dealt with and have a good handle on and I watch and listen to the other person's reaction. I pay attention to body language and my gut reactions. If all goes well, I open up just a little bit more and see where that goes. Over time, the risks get a little bigger and then bigger. But I continue to take them. If I feel like stopping, I take a break for a while, but not too long, because I don't want to push away a potentially good friend or good man. If that person continues to respect my boundaries, doesn't react negatively to my truths, and doesn't act in a manner that make my gut scream "RUN!" then I can usually be pretty sure they mean well by me.

Oh and of course I listen to them and what they are telling me about themselves. I don't get involved with active alcoholics or drug users, simply because I know from my own personal experience how crazy that kind of living is. If someone constantly speaks negatively about themselves, I may offer up a piece of advice or two, but if they show no effort to change and grow as a human being, then I keep my distance. The truth is, I just don't need to hang out with negativity all the time. I understand we all have issues, abused or not, but if someone is unwilling to do anything about it, then I'm out of there. People who appear angry about everything....yep, I walk away from that because god only knows how they choose to express their anger in private and I really just don't want to find out.

My preference is positive, growth-oriented people. That means that they are generally happy people and they learn from their mistakes, they hold themselves accountable for their actions, and they choose to face issues rather than avoid them.

ive not dated in one year and 5 months....why?...because i feel i have nothing to offer,i feel ugly,fat and too damn sick to be in a relationship(i have m.s. chronic pain and am in bed most the time)...i want a man in my life.i miss cuddling,i miss hearing "i love you" from a man who really does..

the last guy i dated was for 3 months...he was married but seperated..he was a so-called christian and constantly told me my beliefs were false and his were right.when i told him he was committing adultery he tried to say it was ok and God would forgive him....oh man,it was bad


so to answer your qeustion..idk yet..im to scared to trust another man with my heart....so i punish myself by not even looking,at all....

i know this dont help.just my life
amy

I've had relationship problems my entire life, I made the wrong choices in partners, I was constantly using errors on thinking and my communication skills were lacking.

Took me 45 years to learn assertiveness, and to know that I can do things right, recognize errors in thinking, from myself, and others, and make better choices.
Well I thought I'd post my experience after being abused by family when I was between the ages of 4-6.

Trust? What's that? I'm still learning what that means.

I would like to put in a word for those that may struggle with chronic anger or depression.

Many abuse survivors also suffer from PTSD, which often involves significant anger issues. How a person chooses to express or work through that anger may or may not be appropriate, but that does not mean they do not have legitimate cause to feel angry, or the right to work through that anger on their own timetable. Just because a person is having a hard time coping with chronic anger does not mean they do not need or deserve the friendship or support of others. That said, every individual has the right to set healthy boundaries in respect to the behaviors of others. Where those boundaries may fall will vary according to personal resources, background, preferences, etc. But to be completely rejecting of those that struggle with anger, and then to judge the way in which they may cope with it in private, not only conveys a lack of patience, understanding, and compassion, but it also advocates a form of emotional abandonment that can be incredibly triggering to those with childhood abuse issues and PTSD. The same goes for those that have fallen into the habit of negativity, which often signals an underlying depressive disorder. Some people really are trapped in abuse cycles they cannot get out of for one reason or another, and the resulting emotional difficulties do not necessarily mean these people do not want - or try with all their might - to be responsible for their lives.

So, understanding fully that this opinion may cause some controversy, I would advocate the simple fact that, even if we find we cannot personally handle anger and negativity in others, we can still choose to listen to their stories, try to understand their perspective, and give needed support. That is what relationships are all about. As much as we may wish only to have sunny days on the calendar of life, truth is that everyone passes through stormy seasons. Trying to completely deny, ignore, and cut the darkness out of life negates a large part of the human experience.

Thank you for that input LS in AK....I was sexually abused from aged 9-13/14? And just had a 7 week course of councelling, I am understanding more and more why I have made the wrong choices in relationships. I have MAJOR trust issues. No-one has ever mentioned PTSD to me until last week, my councellor told me that I NEED to be referred to a PSTD asap. So now I am waiting to see a new therapist. I am now at the dissociated stage, numb, no emotions..which I am finding scary really. I had a trigger last year which sent me into having full blown flashbacks...I didnt understand what they were or why I was having them, but I started to learn more and more about my situation and to me knowledge is needed. I also firmly believe that flashbacks and memories will only surface when you are ready to deal with them. Since I blurted my story to my GP things have moved on and being in this group is helping me to understand more. I have been told that it could take between 12 months to 3 years of therapy with a PSTD therapist to *heal* me, which I am fine about now, but wasn't at first. I stupidly believed that I could be *mended* mentally in a few weeks!! I have over 40 years of abuse to deal with and I am so commited to making myself well and happy again. I understand and know it isn't going to be easy, but knowing all this helps me understand my life. It feels like all the jigsaw pieces are finally fitting together, if that makes any sense?? I feel as if the edges are all fitted now and I have the inside (of me) to fit!!
Having suffered sexual,mental,physical and financial abuse most of my life - I am glad to be able to stop all these destructive things in my life. I have drank and used weed for a 5 year stint, and I honestly don't know how the hell I managed to keep a job, but I did. I just hid away and realised I was fast becoming a recluse. I still have serious major trust issues but am hopeful that before I reach 60 I can live a life I truly believe I deserve to live. Oh dear I have rambled on here a bit, sorry.....But I do agree with us all needing to be understood and supported. I hope I can and will be able to share my abuse story with others here and my recovery and offer my support to others on their journey. I wish us all sunshine calender days to come.
Sugar xxx

@ LS in AK - No controversy, you have a very valid point. I firmly believe that every human being has a right to be loved and supported. Sometimes, however, some people adamantly refuse love and support from others and that is when I, personally, feel it is time to step back or walk away. No one can change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. I've learned from my own journey that I'm only going to change when I am ready and nothing that anyone says or does is going to make me want to change any faster than that. However, when I am ready to change, when I am willing to work on my issues, then I am very open to what other people have to say. Until that point, however, people will just be beating their heads against the wall with me. And also from experience with plenty of people, I've learned that the same seems to hold true for most people.

I firmly stand by people who are willing to work on their issues, even when they are struggling. And when I do meet negative people, angry people, and people in the midst of addiction or alcoholism, I don't just run off and ignore them. I offer a kind word, even advice on occassion, and I am more than willing to be supportive of their efforts.....if and when they make an effort. I'm a very compassionate person. I do not view my abusers (and I've had quite a few) as evil, horrible, undeserving creatures. I see them as they are.....very sick people who need help. Unfortunately, not one of them has been willing to seek help in any way or to better themselves and there is nothing I can do about that. It is at that point that I have to decide if I'm going to allow them to harm me because of their illness, or if I am going to protect myself and continue on my own way.

Because of the harm that has been done to me and the healing that I require in my own life, I cannot remain in relationships with people who do not wish to be healthy. It is too dangerous for my own wellbeing. If they are actively working on their issues, that is an entirely different matter, because they are aware of their behaviors and take responsibility for their actions.

The relationship I am in now is not with some super healthy man. He has his own issues. He had a controlling father. He's been in relationships with mentally unstable women and even one that was abusive. And he's with me....a well-known basket case myself.....what makes him safe for me is that he chooses to grow and become a better person and he learns from his mistakes and adapts his behavior accordingly. He does this not because I ask him to, but because he chooses to. And in the same way, he feels safe with me because I hold myself accountable for my actions and words, I work on my issues, and I seek to grow and become a better person. We support each other and that generates a safe, healthy environment for both of us.

I cannot say the same for the woman I called my best friend for 16 years. She was abused as a child as well. And when we met, we both were very ill mentally and emotionally. We were wounded animals, and we had both developed some very ineffective coping skills to merely exist in this world. I hit bottom with it all and chose to get help. She tried to follow along out of fear of losing my friendship. I stuck with it. I worked hard to overcome the issues I had and 11 years later, I'm still busting my butt to grow. She gave the whole healing thing a two week trial and abandoned it. I stuck by her, believing that just giving her unconditional love and support would make a difference. But, as the years have gone by, she has refused to every offer of help that has been offered to her. And her behaviors have deteriorated from being self-destruction to also being outwardly destructive to others. It has been utterly heartbreaking to watch. She took advantage of our friendship repeatedly and when her actions brought harm to my family, that is when I had to walk away from her. My children were in danger of not having food and I could not allow that to happen.

So, it isn't that I disagree with what you are saying at all. I was, in truth, summarizing my thoughts. I may have sounded intolerant, but I'm really not. As I said, I believe we are all deserving of love and support. And as you noted, boundaries are a key to everyone's safety and security in life.