A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group

We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...

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chris1976 07/09/2012

Hello everyone. Been away a little. Every year I go visit my parents (now you figure why the post subject). I was away in Far-away land where they live and go preaching people about god. I made the commitment of visiting my parents every year. Since early 2000's I've been spending a few days a year visiting.

They live in a remote area and it takes me a full day of catching planes to get there. they live in bad conditions (since they believe that depriving themselves of things gives them extra points with god or something). The first two days I got stomach problems. They went away as soon as I started boiling the water I drank. I still have about 25 itchy mosquito bites on my body.

So I go to great lengths taking all this time and money to visit my parents. Every year I always wonder why it's important for me to do that, since my family (including them) is just crazy messed-up dysfunctional. In counseling I always say that i do it for me, that it just feels right to meet my moral obligation of making sure that they are ok. Feels good to feel like a responsible son.

Not this year. I have no idea what changed, but although it wasn't chaotic, I didn't feel happy at all hearing them talking about things. Their versions of events in the family are just more like they trying to either cover up or justifying the rather large number of things they have done wrong. And of course, god forbid they admit to any wrongdoing.

So I came back feeling very upset and not wanting to see them again. There was this one comment that my father made that triggered all these memories of his abuse. But aside from the abuse it felt like going back in time and experiencing the feelings I used to feel while growing up with them. More than remembering, experiencing living with them and getting a reminder of who/how they really are, was the trigger.

I came back home this year feeling very upset and feeling like I wasted my time and money in something that doesn't really bring anything positive to my life. I'm not sure why in years past things were not like this time. Right now it feels like a bad experience, that I shouldn't have gone at all.

Every time I heard about a different member of the family (I'm estranged from most of them), I'd say something "negative" (read "more realistic") about how they are, and I immediately would get either a some kind of excuse or justification for it. It was insane.

I don't know why this year that's how it went. I started posting here and addressing all this abuse crap this year, maybe that's why my mindset has changed.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm back home, that I found this group, and that I have a safe space to share about this stuff without having to explain too much.

ryverrat 07/09/2012

One of my friends and me came up with a saying for this-"I am getting off the crazy-go-round." We stopped doing things that did nothing to help us or the other involved family members. If it just encourages the insane behavior, we wouldn't be a part of it. Instead we refuse to give in to society's pressures to treat our families like they are perfectly normal. It does nothing to help us with our problems.

hmgm 07/10/2012

Aahhhh yes Chris, the moral obligation feeling. I'm very familiar with that one! Dutiful children. That's what's expected of us isn't it? Prior to my estrangement with my parents (going on almost two years now), I did the same thing. It was me who initiated the visits, the family gatherings, the big celebrations, the visits during college break, etc. I was usually in some fantasy-land mindset when making the plans ignoring years of reality. I tried to block those memories as I made these plans which I never really questioned beforehand as it was my moral obligation to see my parents. When I would visit, I'd be OK for the first day or two - OK meaning I wasn't overly upset. But sure enough, within a matter of days I'd start feeling angry, empty, frustrated and hopeless. Their behavior presented before me once again right before my very eyes. The old feelings brought back to the surface with the undeniable same behavior presented before me again. It always left me with a deep sadness and feeling of hopelessness. Sometimes the situation would devolve quickly. I recall one visit cut short during college Christmas break. My mother was too much for me to bear and I simply packed my suitcase and went back to the airport. They couldn't keep it civil for my short visit. And for some crazy reason, I found myself doing things FOR them rather than WITH them such as voluntarily cleaning their entire house. They didn't ask me to do it but some old-conditioned part of me took over and did it out of duty. How pathetic that is the way I spent my time on the visits. And it's no better when they came to visit me. They had no real interest in visiting me but if it could be done in addition to their other real objectives, they'd grace me with their presence. One time they tried to arrange a visit during Thanksgiving that involved hours of driving from my single siblng's place to mine but would only allow them to stay for 45 minutes! 45 whole minutes to participate in Thanksgiving dinner. Talk about eat and run! All I know is that all my efforts were done out of some unwarranted feelings of obligation that truthfully only somewhat benefitted them. I rarely got anything good out of it other than satisfying that sense of duty I believed I owed. Guilt is a hard thing to live with. I recently started to get over this upon finding this site: www.luke173ministries.org
I highly recommend it for you especially if your parents use religion as a means of defending their actions as mine do.

chris1976 07/11/2012

Thank you for this. Though it's not good having this kind of family, I do feel like people here understand. I have felt alone in that for too long. hmgm, I'll check the site. Thanks.

deleted_user 07/11/2012

Hi Chris,
The second you said the word INSANITY, I smiled in recognition.
Get this: It is only quite recently that I've come to the enlightening conclusion
that those who display the insanity to me (and there have been many),have
now by dint of their bizarre behavior,do in fact illuminate my OWN normalcy!
Jesus,all my life I thought there was something wrong with ME------It was
these bloody LUNATICS,having me doubt MY sanity!
WE are the normal healthy
ones people . . . .WE SHALL OVERCOME!
Respect+Kindness To All,
jimindigo

deleted_user 07/15/2012

I went a small, religiously conservative college just out of high school. I believed it was the right place for me. I spent two years there, changed a lot, and by the end of year two I was miserable. I couldn't believe that it wasn't the right place for me. I was frustrated by the undeniable change within myself. I didn't want those two years to be wasted. I was going to return for a third year even though I hated it.

And then my brother said, "It may not have been a mistake to go, but it may be a mistake to stay."

After hearing those words, I didn't go back. And it was one of the best decisions of my life.

We change. And that's okay. Making a commitment to visit your parents every year may have been the right decision when you made it. But it might not be the best decision anymore. It's okay for you to change your mind.

You don't owe them anything. It's okay for you to take care of you, even if that means not taking care of them.

chris1976 07/22/2012

Thank you, thank you THANK YOU!!!!

After I posted and visited this the last time, I have not been in a great place. I have been little by little going back to self neglect. I know by experience that that's a classic sign of being depressed. And the depression is coming from this realization.

Jenny, I though that my family was the only one like that. In 2002 there was some kind of reunion and I missed it, but my little sister (her and my little brother are the only ones who seem a little more functional, though those two don't talk to each other) went and she came back not wanting to ever do that again. It was disgusting for what I heard. Later I went and, yep, I confirmed that it was disgusting.

What I realize is that I have kept hoping for one day things to be different. they're never going to be like that. We're talking about some of my siblings being in their fifties and passing along all the nonsense to their children and now grand children.

I now realize that I have been like in mourning. I have been very sad, isolated, depressed and just doing the minimum I need to do.

Megs007, thank you. I really needed to hear that I do have the choice of never going back, and even that I can change my mind. My father was very hurtful in his last words. His abuse and all what I felt growing up with that asshole came all back. Just in those three seconds. Sad thing was that now as an adult I can very clearly see that there's absolutely no excuse for his abuse; he perfectly knows what he does and chooses to do that.

Jimindigo, great way of looking at it! Never saw that looking at my family insanity serves the great purpose of seeing how much I am not like that.

Anyway, thank you all once again. DS has never let me down (so far :-)

deleted_user 07/26/2012

Chris how u do it how can u see ur parents? i wana know i nw dey want me ta act like alls chilled but it aint i dnt understand how can u wilingly go ta ur parents? im losted like magorly i wana see my mama again but how do u hold ur self tagether an not flinch every time dey make a movement an wut i do when im scared do i still run an hide or wut? im glade i aint alone any more i am but i still wana see my mama i could care less about seein any of da odr peeps but ta see my mama i have no choice but ta walk in ta da monsters den plz write bak when u can i realy wana know how i can see my mama again

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