A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
I have two brothers and two sisters that I have not seen in person for decades. I would like to be able to communicate with them by email and phone, but I can’t. I tried communicating with them through a few email messages a couple of years ago, but I had to stop. I would like to send them birthday and holiday cards, but because of our odd childhoods, I don’t know their full names or birthdates, and I am afraid to ask because we all have such strange and difficult pasts.
The problem is that my brothers and sisters are triggers for unpleasant memories, and if I am not careful, I could have a mental breakdown upon fully remembering what happened – I have to suppress much of the memories of my childhood. It isn’t their fault; it’s my parents who were at fault. I don’t know how to explain this to them, and I don’t want them to think that I am crazy like my mother (she was severely mentally ill, violent, and abusive).
Until recently, I could not even voice this. I am worried that the way things are now could be a forever thing – me not being able to communicate with my brothers and sisters because they themselves are triggers for bad memories. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll just have to accept things as they are, forever.
The problem is that my brothers and sisters are triggers for unpleasant memories, and if I am not careful, I could have a mental breakdown upon fully remembering what happened – I have to suppress much of the memories of my childhood. It isn’t their fault; it’s my parents who were at fault. I don’t know how to explain this to them, and I don’t want them to think that I am crazy like my mother (she was severely mentally ill, violent, and abusive).
Until recently, I could not even voice this. I am worried that the way things are now could be a forever thing – me not being able to communicate with my brothers and sisters because they themselves are triggers for bad memories. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll just have to accept things as they are, forever.
Unlike you I know their birthdays and such but they definitely are triggers for me especially my brother who is still living. He is the one who told me I was sexually abused my one of my other brothers. A fact I had no clue of until he told me at age 18.
I have tried many times to reach out to him to make a connection and he refuses. I've sent birthday and christmas cards tried email but nothing. He is on my facebook list of friends but we never exchange comments.
I'm not sure I even want to try anymore. I have tried.
I wish I had some wonderful advice for you but dealing with issues, people, etc that can trigger us is like trying to fly a kite in a hurricane. It can literally tear us apart and send us crashing to the ground.
I would say cards would be a safe way to get in touch to let them know you are thinking of them and would like to maybe have a chat sometime catch up on life. Keep it casual. You don't have to wait for a birthday especially since you are not certain of dates. Ultimately you are the judge of whether you are ready and can handle trying.
For me I know I had to try and reach out and I did it with no expectations of either my brother or my sister reach back. I've made peace with it as best I can. I have made more than the first move the rest is up to them. If they choose to not reaquaint themselves with me it is their loss.
I know how painful and stressful this can be so I wish you peace and clear guidance as to what actions to take. Hugs
Sending you hugs. I am sorry, but I cannot offer any wonderful advice, either. I would suggest that maybe you should talk with a therapist about this? I understand your longing for family ties, which is natural, but you also need to take care of yourself and protect yourself. If you are going to do this, it might be a good idea to get a professional point of view, so that you do not cause trauma to self.
Shar