A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
My abusive parents were very controlling people. One of the things they would not tolerate in others was the expression of life-affirming emotions such as happiness and joy. Children playing and having fun was not allowed and was verbally condemned and physically punished, very harshly. My abusers themselves expressed a lot of anger, rage, hostility, and hate towards everyone around them. They constantly ridiculed people who were doing good things with their lives. To them, any kind of success in life that anyone else was having was evil and a sin. If they saw a neighbor with a new car or a happy neighbor child playing, they had only bad words for that person.
So I learned from them that playing and having fun and feeling happiness and joy are bad things. I have had both positive and negative emotions burned out of me to a large extent. I learned that if I succeed at anything in life, I was a horrible person, and that I would be punished for it. Now how do I unlearn this?
If someone were to ask me what I like to do for fun, I draw a blank in my mind. I have no answer. If someone asks me if I have goals, I try to think of things that are the answers people are looking for, but in my mind, having goals in life is just asking to be punished by the powers that be.
Can anyone here relate to any of this?
So I learned from them that playing and having fun and feeling happiness and joy are bad things. I have had both positive and negative emotions burned out of me to a large extent. I learned that if I succeed at anything in life, I was a horrible person, and that I would be punished for it. Now how do I unlearn this?
If someone were to ask me what I like to do for fun, I draw a blank in my mind. I have no answer. If someone asks me if I have goals, I try to think of things that are the answers people are looking for, but in my mind, having goals in life is just asking to be punished by the powers that be.
Can anyone here relate to any of this?
My mother was a bitter woman who had grown up the oldest of 7 children on a farm in a Scandinavian country, post WW2 with very little money, food, etc. She was a mail-order bride to my father, a situation of captivity since he was very controlling and an abusive alcoholic.
She always had a nasty word to say about me or anything I would imagine or try to do. She ignored my multiple talents and skills, and acted as though I would NEVER "make it". My father was never told, and I found out later on, that on my father's side of the family many members had graduated Yale and Harvard University, were lawyers and successful businesspeople, published books and poetry, and were an old family with connections to royalty overseas. I had an extremely intelligent and inquisitive mind, and was a great budding artist. My mom did not want to hear about any of this and screamed if I wanted to spend a little extra money on anything. She wouldn't get me any lessons in either music or art, all I had was what I recieved through the school, and my grandmother got me a few ballet lessons. My mother acted as though I was crazy if I said anything about how I was going to be a great success in either art or music, etc and would scream about how we were not rich, she coudn't afford these things, she was not going to spend all her time taking me to lessons, etc. My friend's mother was horrified one day when she showed up to pick me up and I said goodby to my mother and she cursed at me. That showed me how abnormal things truly were in our household.
My father was completely nuts and couldn't be spoken to or trusted about anything, and in all probability never should have been a father. He was a horrific abuser who did things like pick me up bodily and slam me into a wall, beat and strangled my mother, walked the house naked constantly and was always drunk and violent when he was home. My mother was the only "sane" one and she was determined to see me become a repressed, beaten individual like herself and not develop my skills and talents.
I got away from them when I went to college and minored in Voice, something I had always wanted to do. I moved to Manhattan after college and had varying degrees of success but nothing lasting. I always seem to be "too tired" when it comes to doing things to get closer to lasting success. My progress has been very slow. But I keep going, I NEVER give up on myself because I know I have been repressed and I know it will take longer for me than some others. I am already pretty OK now but I want to reach for the stars and I know that I can. Whenever I have a bad day, I just allow myself to rest, meditate, do Yoga and pray, and begin again the next day. With this situation you have to have unending patience and love for yourself.
One thing I used to do is become focused on abusive individuals and then use them as an excuse for not getting ahead. I have outgrown that mentality now but it was something I was trapped in, in the early part of my life. If I could give a piece of advice to those in my position, it would be that as soon as you recognize an abusive situation with someone, get out of it as fast as possible, however you can - even if that means leaving in the middle of the night, etc. Don't trust your own emotions about bonding with an abuser, they will NEVER "change" and realize they are not treating you right- it's up to YOU to become an independant person who can achieve success WITHOUT these people who will never want to see you soar ahead.