A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
I once could deny my past by telling myself that it never happened or was a dream or it was a figment of my imagination, but as time has gone by, I frequently find myself in surroundings that are so negative that the bad memories come to the surface. I am at times plagued by unwelcome nightmares that keep me awake or suddenly awaken me at odd hours of the night. I have flashbacks at inconvenient times. I can still hear the voices of my parents and siblings nearly as clearly as if they were right next to me and it was happening all over again. Denial worked for a little while, but it doesn't seem to be a permanent answer. Have you found an answer that works better than denial?
It's funny, I have a coping mechanism my body came up with at some point as a child, I repress my memories. The worse they are, the longer it takes me to remember them. I have huge chunks of my childhood missing (most holidays, random times/days, ect) I just have no recollection of them. My Mother talks to me about them (do you remember the year your uncle came to visit us?) and no, no I don't, but I remember what she tells me happened. Once in a blue moon, I will have a flashback, or a nightmare that seems too real, and when I ask some family member who was present during said memory, sure enough, it was true.
Denial doesn't work, I'm sure hoping therapy does!
I learned from my parents that it was me that was the problem, I had the defect. This is how my mother rationalized all her criticisms and control. I completely bought it, hook, line, and sinker. I had a problem. I overreacted. I had no sense of humor. I couldn't trust my instincts. My dreams about what I wanted to do when I grew up were even bad. Even my sadness, my depression was my fault. When I finally learned that I had depression as an adult, I let that reinforce what my mother had told me. It solidified my belief that I really was defective. When treating my depression didn't stop the neverending chain of intrusive memories of my childhood, I began to think maybe I had some other mental illness that was even worse. My mother acted so encouraging about my decision to treat my depression.
I didn't begin to wake up to the denial I lived in, until I decided to try therapy the first time. Suddenly, my mother began acting strange, like she was afraid I would learn how to hate her by going into counseling. It was a red flag for me, but after 30+ years of believing I had some sort of inherent defect, I could quite figure out why her words were bothering me so much. It wasn't too long afterwards that I did have a momentary awakening that I had been abused. I say momentary, because I still found ways to rationalize my mother's behavior. I knew what happened was wrong, but she didn't beat me, I wasn't molested, my basic physical needs were met, so it couldn't really be child abuse, right?? I held that belief for several years. I just chalked up my mother's behavior to her own mental illness (undiagnosed and untreated) and tried to just ingored her behavior.
When I turned 39, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had accomplished nothing in my life. My anxiety problems were escalating as time went on. I couldn't permanently banish my depression. I had dealt with a major traumatic experience in my life and knew all there was to know about flashbacks, triggers, intrusive memories and the other host of symptoms for PTSD. I NEVER made the connection. It was like I was completely blind to the fact that I was 39 years old and still crying about what happened when I was 3 years old not because I was mentally ill, but because I was stuck in denial that it was abuse.
Just a few months ago, I entered counseling again after realizing my depression and anxiety was off the chain again. I went back on my meds as well, Anti-depressants give me a clarity of thought I don't normally have unmedicated, which at first made me come to the acceptance that I was most likely going to require medication for the rest of my life. I was actually ok with that, because evertime I come out of the fog, I have a day where I just cry because I hate feeling that way and I don't ever want to go back into it. During my counseling, I uncovered the truth. My denial was shattered inadvertantly by a conversation about my ex-boyfriend and how he had been abusive. I then awakened to all the other abuse I had endured throughout my life. So, now I'm actually seeing the truth of it.
The beauty to it, though, was the moment I realized that I was NORMAL and not defective. My depression had an undeniable source and it wasn't my fault or some sort of inherent defect I was born with. I lived in a near-constant state of stress throughout my childhood....its no big surprise I have issues with anxiety and depression!!
I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD and undergoing therapy. I've always had PTSD and my anxiety and depression was just the way it was presenting itself.
I still feel a deep hole inside. I'm healing. It's slow.
I can't hide anymore. It happened to me.
I was in complete denial that I had been neglected and abandoned. And that has been very hard to realize the extent of my wounds and how they still affect me.
As the childhood song goes, "You can't go over it, you can't go around it, you gotta go through it." And so it goes with trauma. I'd recommend finding a good therapist and hang on tight. It's not fun to let go of denial, but it's healing and, with support, you can make it to the other side where the sun is brighter, the breeze feels cooler, and there's a whole lot less fear in the world.
Hugs.
The scariest part of all, I wasn't even consciously aware of these beliefs I held. I kept struggling to understand what was wrong with me, why I was so messed up. I grabbed onto anything and everything by way of an explanation. I knew my mom had done things that weren't right and that my memory of those events were painful, but because I could not "get over it" my belief that I was defective was just reinforced. I had no idea where exactly I came to the conclusion that something was wrong with me, but everything in my life reinforced that belief.
I studied all sorts of stuff on psychology, self-actualization, depression, anxiety, spirituality, and such. I kept looking and looking for answers. I figured out that I didn't understand what boundaries were, I didn't know you could change the way you think, etc etc. And still, I never thought my problems were rooted in my childhood. I never picked up books on abuse. There wasn't violence in my home, I wasn't sexually molested, and no one was standing around calling me horrible names. I didn't think that how my mother treated me was emotionally abusive because I didn't even know such a thing existed.
Now, I'm aware of what used to be unconscious. I can see how I have lived my life operating under false beliefs about myself. I am all too aware of the damage those beliefs have done. I'm letting go of the notion that this was all some sort of defect I had, but its so hard to uproot and unraveling the threads of beliefs that have existed for 40 years. Does it really happen? Can I really separate my mother's perception of me from the truth of who I truly am?
I feel like I have to perform psychic surgery on myself without anesthetic. Not exactly what I had in mind for myself when I envisioned my life, that's for sure.
In the past, I guess i"ve been in denial. thinking 'I just happen to be severely mentally ill' rather than being a normal person who went through extraordinary circumstances.