I used to try to force myself to believe in God. I really tried hard. And when life got to be too much for me to handle as a child, I would say silently inside my head, “God, if you are real, please let me fall asleep tonight and never wake up again. I don’t care if don’t want me to go to Heaven or if you want to send me into eternal non-existance, just please do not let me wake up.” I do not know if that would be considered a prayer, but it was never answered.

Somewhere around my early forties, I decided that it no longer served any purpose for me to try to force myself to believe in God, Heaven, Hell, angels, and religions. Strangely, though, I do not believe in atheism or agnosticism either. I am not sure if this is sane or crazy, but I do not believe in anything. I’m not looking for a sign or a scientific paper proving things one way or the other. To the me that is deep inside, it’s all just a big question mark that I can’t begin to grasp with the little that I know, and I am not so confident as to suppose that I would know anything of the nature of God or the answer to whether there is a God.

I wish that I could somehow just believe. That would make things easier. I could go to a church on Sundays if I could believe. I could maybe find good upstanding members of the community there, and though I might not be one of them because I don’t have the proper clothes, the right hair, a car, a job and career, wife and children, or a real home, I could maybe get a close-up glimpse of a different kind of human being than the kind I encounter in my present life as a bottom-dweller. Sorry if I offended anyone’s spiritual sensibilities about material possessions, but going to church is at least partly about making a presentation of your material self; I’ve walked by enough churches when they let people out after services to know that. I see the people, they don’t want to look too flashy or too modest, just somewhere in the perfect-in-between. I’m that guy walking quickly past on the other side of the street, trying not to be noticed, as the people stand in their tight little social groups around the church, dressed in their church clothes, with their children trying to squeeze into the groups of adults edgewise or trying to burst out of other little groups of adults and then run around like free electrons looking for an atom to attach themselves to, that being another group of grownups. I wonder what they talk about, in their little groups? You know, if I could believe, I might just attend a church service, and I might just find something to aspire to though I might never achieve it. I might never be welcome in any of the little clusters of people as a genuine grownup person, but . . . what if? A new dream to replace the shattered pieces of dreams that cut into my being? But I am flawed, I am not a believer in anything at all, and what if they found out what was really on the inside of me, because things have a way of leaking out of containers after a time? What if they found out I was someone who can’t reconcile ‘honor thy father and mother’ or however the scripture goes, with what was done to me, because my parents were, each of them in their own way, child abusers and I was the abused child? Doesn’t that make me a condemned soul?

I actually enjoy going to church once in a while, if the people there are enjoyable folks.
That said, I have never been a big beleiver in god. MAinly because for a while as a child, I beleived god would save me, after all, how could he allow this to happen to me? And then I thought maybe god was testing, but I proved my stregth, my courage, my ability for years, and still no change. Then I went to a great church with some freinds, and heard a long sermon about how god helps those who help themselves. And I thought So thats they key! And I started to help myself, but still no divine intervention on my behalf :P
So yes, things got better, are still getting better. Do I think god had a hand in it? No, I helped myself, and a great preacher inspired me, perhaps that was the hand of god, perhaps not.
But over the years, another thought has occured to me. If god is an all powerful being, watching over an entire universe, and here I stand, but a mere speck, how important am I? I mean really, How high can I rank on his list of crap to do? LOL!
So sure, I can buy into the whole idea of god. I am very glad he helps so many others find their way through faith. But it's not for me :)

Well, I'll be another oddball on this one. I believe the divine exists within all of us...as us. It's pretty much a concept that actually exists in all major religions, its just stated differently. My Dad's family is Catholic, so when my parents married, we were Catholic. My parents divorced, my dad wasn't a big religious kind of person and so there was that. I went to catholic school for K-2 and then moved to FL and went to public school. My mom and step-dad weren't real happy with their experiences with religion in the christian realm, so they converted to Judaism. I used to tell people I was a Catholic Jew.....talk about an oxymoron. So, basically, despite the crap my parents taught me and the crap they put me through, I learned a lesson I have held in high value for my entire life. I have the right to choose what I believe in and no one else has the right to make that choice for me or to treat me poorly for it. I will defend my right to believe in what I choose like a mother bear defending her cubs. I will also defend another's persons' beliefs with that very same conviction.

Hey! There's another trait I have....woohoo!!!

Anyway, I embarked on a journey to discover my own beliefs around the age of 16. I had learned about catholicism and judaism as a child and had attended services of both. I had been to my grandmother's presbyterian (sp?) church as well when I was young. I studied other religions on my own....Wicca, Paganism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Buddhism.....all because I found an interest for one reason or another. I've been involved in Wiccan rituals, pagan gatherings, Buddhist meditations and prayers, and I have discovered that it isn't religion itself that does it for me....its spirituality. I believe the two are vastly different subjects. So, my own experiences with prayer, meditation, and the vast amount of information I have studied over the years has led me to a place inside myself where I simply don't require a building, a circle, a set of beads, or any other sort ritualistic practice to touch what I believe to be divine. I believe the power to create our reality exists within each of us because we are all divine. And I believe that all of us and all living beings combined throughout our Universe is God, not some being outside of myself that I cannot see or feel.

I guess that about sums it up. I formally request that no one debates with me on this subject. I find such things pointless and annoying. I'm merely stating what I believe. Let's leave it there.

I didn't intend for my last statement there to offend anyone. I have a rather rigid boundary on debating religion, spirituality, faith, and belief. One of my exes used to wait for me to come over and I would always find him sitting on the floor or couch crying. Every time I asked him why he was upset, he would tell me that he was just so sad because he cared so much about me and when we died we wouldn't be able to meet in heaven. The first time this happened, I asked him what he meant by that. He proceeded to inform me that because I was not "born again" that I would go to hell and especially because I had practiced other religions, especially Wicca and Paganism. That first time led to a nasty little debate where he became angry and called me a lot of names and accused me of a lot of horrible things that I would never, ever do in a million years. An hour after I walked out, he called me to apologize and told me he had no right. The rest of those times, I refused to enter a debate with him, so he would sulk for hours and make comments about how I needed to give Jesus another chance. He had found and accepted Jesus into his life while he was in prison for multiple counts of rape. He was out on parole after serving 15 years of a 25 year sentence. It turns out he was a serial rapist....he had a specific mode of operation and he never raped his girlfriends, always strangers. I found this out two years later in a newpaper article my mother brought to me. He had been placed back into custody and was facing more rape charges for a rape that occured while he was dating me. I've never been more nauseated in my life by anything I've ever read or seen on tv. I literally almost threw up when I read it and saw the date of the rape.

I don't use religion as a means to manipulate and lie to others. I think it makes the beliefs of honest people look really bad when that happens and human history is rife with such examples, along with plenty of examples of cramming religion down other peoples' throats at sword and gunpoint.

I don't need to defend what I believe and neither does anyone else. I have no problem speaking with people about belief and faith. I'm quite capable of carrying on a conversation that honors differing beliefs without offending anyone in the process, including myself. So, if I came across harshly, it was merely my own defenses against potential persecution.

Growing up I had people try to tell me this all the time: the only reason you don't believe in god is because your mother is Christian and strict. For a time I almost believed in god, and I would have weird debates with myself over who the real "bad guy" was (god vs. devil). That was mostly because I found teachings and stories to be in such contradiction with each other that I couldn't believe it was supposed to be taken as is. I found Wicca to be a lot more interesting but I couldn't take it seriously either. I found myself doing the same things: repeating words, laughing at myself, and wishing I would mean them in the future. I tried to be superstitious. I tried to believe in luck. I tried to tell myself spirits and ghosts were real, but they were all in the same category to me. I don't believe in any of that now. I believe in probability. People think there's something really horrible and heartless about that. I get asked, " All of these planets and not one of them has life besides ours? You don't think that means something special about us?" It's not that I don't feel fortunate. I just don't think it's that big of a deal.

Yes, my concept of god was totally influenced by my dad, grandad and so on. I really struggled for a long time. There was a time when I was quite paranoid, I thought people in AA were out to control, criticise and reject. I thought god too was out to control, criticise and reject. I didn't want to know about either AA or god. It changed slowly, with the loving help of my therapist. then, I had this day where I was suicidal, and feeling condemned. i realised I'd felt condemned since very little (when abused.) Suddenly, this sense of condemnation got pulled out of me. From all over, a great sense of compassion came pouring into me. It lasted on and off for a few weeks. I was about 48 when this happened. It's changed my outlook completely. I am not religious. And I don't think god controls the world, no way known.

It's about Jesus and not the church you sit in. God does love you and wants to have a relationship with you. Read the Bible for youself and ask for understanding. It seems to me you are still searching and I don't know why we have the parents we had but human being have free will and there is evil in the world. God is not going to force Himself on you but He does love you and wants you to reach for Him. I am not intending to preach....I just felt compelled to reply with what I believe and to try and encourage you.

None of my family members contributed to my faith in God. They were not around enough to make that kind of an impact anyways. But I did believe in God since I was in pre-K age. I prayed everyday, in the morning and at night. I was hurting a lot because I've been beaten up almost everyday, and I was often hungry. I prayed for protection, for the most part. But His help didn't come. Then I blamed myself a lot. I thought bad things were happening to me because I was not good enough, and God was punishing me. I prayed God to take my life away, too. I was afraid of going to hell, but I felt I was already in the living hell, so I thought it couldn't be worse. It hurt me a lot when God didn't make things better for me because I felt rejected and condemned. When my little sister died in front of my eyes when I was 8, I couldn't pray anymore. I was actually mad at God. I've been carrying that anger until recently. I really can't say where my "Job" like faith came from, but I never doubted his existence. I didn't start to go to church till my 20's. There are some emotionally unhealthy churches out there for sure. I don't find any social situations very comfortable, but I found some good friends at church. I had no luck making any friends anywhere else, so I thank God for that.