I have difficulty with this as well. Forgiving, thankfully, is not a foreign concept to me, but in the instance of abuse, it is very difficult to forgive someone when they refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. It takes an enormous effort to find forgiveness for what our parents did to us, especially when we are able to see the connection between the abuse we endured and the difficulties in our adult lives. I try to find compassion for my mother, because I believe she may have been abused herself. However, I refuse to excuse her behavior towards me. I think it would be so much easier to forgive her if there were distance between us, but she lives 4 blocks away and still acts emotionally abusive towards me.

As for the forgetting, no, I refuse to to forget. I'm not a glutton for punishment, nor am I choosing not to forget in order to hold it over my mother's head. I don't want to forget because I don't want to repeat history with my own children. I want to be aware of the signs of abuse because I want to be safe myself.

As for moving on, I think this is definitely separate from forgiving and forgetting. I've chosen to move on, to grieve and heal, to build a life for myself of my own design, to break the cycle with my children and not repeat history.

I cannot forget, I refuse to, I believe in order for me to avoid people who will behave this way, and to keep myself from becoming what I endured, I cannot forget.
Right now, I cannot forgive either. I can understand. I do understand why my parents did what they did, I can see what made them into what they are. I cannot forgive because they cannot understand, they cannot see what they are, what they did. I can understand, but I think until they begin to understand themselves and make strides to heal themselves, I cannot forgive them. And I think that is because I can see it, I can understand it, they will continue to treat me as they always have, until they see it and start to fix it. And yes, sometimes they seem to, sometimes they try to change. But just as it was with the abusive men in my lives, it is a honeymoon period, they always return to what they were, and I always suffer for it. Because of that, I cannot forgive them. But I do understand, I pity them, because they are stuck.
Because I understand, because I am getting help, because I am not having any contact with them, I am moving on. I have to, I have to heal, or in some way I will continue this, and my past will forever affect my sons future. And that I cannot tolerate, he deserves a fresh start, as do I!

Country women hits it. I understand why my mother is the way she is. At the same time I am angered that she was not enough of a person, mother, whatever to change even when she knew she was hurting us, those brief moments of clarity. I understand how my dad got roped into it, but I am not able to forgive him for it.
I understand why it was like it was, but as far as why they let it stay like that, it is beyond my comprehension. I cannot forgive them for it. I am unable to forget. I worry about years from now, when I have my own kids. I worry about how my spouse will react to the complete lack of a relationship with my parents. It's a huge obstacle. I just wish they would admit that they were wrong.

I agree with everyone. Never forget, it's what keeps us from continuing the cycle. I refuse to treat my children the way I was treated. I will protect them with my life so that they will not grow up the way I did. If that means remembering all the pain I've gone through then so be it. As for forgiving. I don't know if we ever really do. I know after 28 years I'm still not ready. I just don't see how you can forgive someone who is suppose to love you more than anything and do what they did to you. I can't imagine hitting my children. I don't see how they looked at me crying begging them to stop and just continued to do it until they tired themselves out. Miles do help. I moved 3 hours away. I also no longer speak to my dad, it's been 5 years.

My mom always said she wasn't continuing the cycle, that the life she was giving us was the best there would ever be, because she loved us so much. It's twisted, sick.

Still trying.......

Once you forgive, it's easier to "forget".
You can't forget unless you've forgiven.

I can forgive my mother. I can't forgive my stepfather.

Thanks to my stepfather I don't have that fuzzy, warm memory of childhood to look back on. It's just a joke. He went out of his way to ruin my life. I was perfectly fine as I was; complications hadn't set in yet. The complications that were there, I didn't notice. Who knows how many good years I could have had before I noticed those things. To me, CSA is unforgivable. He managed to get himself out of a 30 year prison sentence, and to me that shows he doesn't feel any kind of remorse. When asked about the abuse, all he had to say was "I was just teaching her about men and the world." He doesn't feel sorry in the slightest. I can't forgive that.

I don't even know if forgiving my mother is "the right thing" to do. I always thought she just wasn't the strongest person and didn't know how to be alone. Then, I found out that she had been raped too and a whole mess of things suddenly made sense in a way I didn't want them to. I thought (and still do) that she wanted to recreate her abuse in my life so that she could have a companion to walk through the pain with. I never felt that she acknowledged me as a human being separate from herself. Even if I forgive her, I can't stand her enough to stay in contact. When she calls to ask how I am, she cuts me off and starts telling me about her meaningless conflicts at work. She has no idea I don't care. It's forgiveness based in absence.

I honestly dont see how to forget... i have tried many of times to forget but with flashbacks and nightmares it is impossible.

As for forgiving i know i am told by my therapist that i need to work on forgiving my step father for my own sake but i just cant get to that point. I have got as far as thinking i could work on forgiving the actual sexual abuse but i cant forgive all the years of pain it left me with and my ptsd and eating disorder...i blame him for stealing 30plus years of my life he left me to deal with the emotions of the abuse. I wish it was easier wish there was a way to forgive him and i just cant emotionaly do it.

How can I forget, when my life is totally impacted by the early childhood abuse. I'm on a cocktail of psych drugs, just to have a chance of life without extreme disturbance. LIke someone said, i still get flashbacks. I don't forgive, I don't forget. I believe it's possible to have peace of mind without forgiving. And, when I am feeling angry, i accept myself. Why is it that the victims get pressured to forgive, and no one pressures the perpetrators to do something? I say, let yourself feel what you feel. Keep behaviour appropriate, and within yourself, to yourself, let the feelings do their thing.

I forgive my parents and others who have abused me but will never forget. I forgave my father and we had a heart to heart when I was 20 about everything that had gone on. I always knew WHY he would drink and lose his temper and why he was so hard on us. I knew if it werent for his childhood being worse than ours was, he'd be a different person. But I also knew he was a adult and needed the tools to SEE what hes doing. I helped him 'change' and open his eyes. Im very thankful for the abuse as weird as that sounds. Its made me who I am. And im thankful for the time I got with my father to discuss things. He ended up passing away at age 40 just one year after we started talking about everything. And im at peace.
My mother on the other hand, well I forgive her. Forgiving her though also means she cannot be in my life or my familys life. I know she wont change. Some people arent capable. I've tried and tried to kinda guide her but it never works. Im 32 and have felt like an orphan since my father died (I was 21). Its a lonely feeling and I feel for my children who dont have grandparents. Because my mother is the way she is, she has 5 children out in this world who have so many mental issues and 3 of the five dont even realize it. Its truly a sad situation. But alls I can do is forgive and more forward. As hard as it is to not have a parent, I know my life is so much better without her in my life.
Its because of my abusers im able to help others and I think its helped me to be a good parent. I have 4 happy children and I wouldnt have it any other way.