This is a good one.

I struggle with this a lot, especially the last few days. I've been having memories pop up and flashbacks about others that I've interacted with that made me feel uncomfortable. So I'm having a hard time remembering me on my terms. I'm especially struggling with the idea that I was fashioned into being some one who stays on the low rung of the ladder. I mean, ambition seems to escape me and I can't seem to commit to leading the life I want to live? Or maybe I am and I just don't accept it on some level?

This is very thought-provoking. It makes me wonder what I would change about myself if I only could, and I realize I would not be who I am if I changed myself very much. It gives me a strange feeling even to think that way. How could I not be who I am?

I find it easier to tackle if I think of it this way: What can I LEARN that will help me improve the quality of my life, help me do the things I want to do, and be who I want to be? Yet that doesn't really address the issue. I think it's a copout. I am not the things I learn. I have to go think about this some more.

These last two years I have been working hard on becoming that man I want to be. For too many years than I care to count I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be, or at least who I thought they would like me to be. I always wanted to part of the crowd and like everyone else. I was like a caterpillar that never blossomed into a butterfly. Now I am becoming a different man. I am doing things that I need to do to improve my quality of life. Its really hard defining who I truly am. It took a lot of work to uncover the true me. Now as I redefine my life I find it very rewarding. At long last I can be who I choose to be. I don't have to please people. All I have to do is please God and let Him make the changes. I do the legwork and He does the rest. I am an emerging butterfly.

I wanted to sing Opera. I am a wonderful singer.
I am way to old to start......BUT,

The other day at my lesson, I admitted to my teacher that I want to sing those high notes that everyone thinks are so impressive. Really only those with short vocal chords can do it just like those low low bases have really long vocal chords so they can sing really low notes.

Anyway, she sat and told me what it takes mentally to sing those high notes.
It is all about letting go
Letting go of past negative messages (those cause the throat to tighten)
Letting go of a need to hear the note (it comes out at the top of the head and the singer can only hear it recorded)
We started working on letting go. I did not sing a note till close to the end and it was beautiful.

Each time I sing now, I let go. Warm up's, practices, each time I open my mouth is letting go.
Filling up comes in a couple weeks.

Go, Sunny!

I figured out last night why this question was so confusing to me. It's because I already figured out who I want to be and I'm there already, mostly. I just need to make a few adjustments . . .

I have an idea (hope it's not weird): I've been working on being present and in so doing have been focusing on those that I want to model after. I especially have been studying others - women mostly - who present and confident. This confidence is fluid, not forced at all. I think it's starting to take root in me.

so my point is this: if there's a way you want to be, perhaps finding a role model, someone who's mastered this, might be a tool?

It would indeed be very helpful to have a role model, EAN, somebody who has not only survived abuse but transcended it. It would have to be somebody who has learned to forgive those who hurt her--though not forget, as this would leave her too vulnerable to more abuse--and let go of the desire to hate and be revenged on the other. It would have to be somebody who understands the danger to her own soul, and that of society at large, of seeking retribution for wrongs and has learned to seek wisdom instead.

Where can we find such a person? I don't know. It might be easier to BECOME one.

True. I decided to become a "genuine" person. What you see is what you get, honest, funny, eccentric. I started out in a house of lies. I won't be that.

"It would have to be somebody who has learned to forgive those who hurt her--though not forget"

The forgiving belongs to us, for blaming, shaming ourselves. Forgiving an abuser, only feeds their ego, that no matter what they do it will be okay in the long run. Putting blame where it belongs, is a constant fight I have.

As I wake, the pain tells me that the damage is forever. A sentence I will live with all of my life, that unlike my abuser will increase in strength as I age. And that is just the physical part. The adjustments to behaviors I got from it, is also a struggle. No I won't give them parole in my mind or actions, because I will never have that.

To forgive an abuser is not to say it's okay. You don't even have to tell them you did it. It's something you do for yourself, inside. It's a healing thing, or it's supposed to be.

That's not to say I've ever actually figured out quite how to do it . . . What actually do you do when you forgive somebody, anyway? I'm not talking about going to them and saying, "I forgive you." That's actually pretty unimaginable in a lot of cases anyway. I'm talking about the internal process of forgiveness---like what you would do if you forgave someone who was dead.