I am an adult survivor of child abuse. I did not escape the abuse until age seventeen. That means seventeen years of hitting, screaming tirades, starvation, being told that I was white trash, that I should have been an abortion, that I was property and could be killed, and that I would never amount to anything. I was allowed to own only the one set of clothes that I wore - no toothbrush, no toys, no hobby things. I had no friends because I was the weird smelly kid with the weird clothes who needed a haircut and who never stayed in any one place very long. We lived in squalor. We moved frequently to evade law enforcement agencies. In my mid-forties, I continue to try to learn how to sort out my past and learn how to be a human being. I still have no friends and I still live in poverty.

Now it's your turn. Please tell us a little about your experiences as an adult survivor of child abuse, and help break the conspiracy of silence.

Although I shared a little in my introduction, I will add to that here.

I am an adult survivor of child abuse. My mother and step-father were emotionally abusive. My mother was hyper-critical and controlling, making sure that whatever chore I completed was perfect to her standards or I was made to repeat the chore each day until I got it right. I was told that my thoughts and emotions were wrong, that I was untrustworthy, had poor judgment, and made bad decisions. Because of this perception my mother held of me, she isolated me from my peers. I became the primary housekeeper by the age of 12 and her servant for whatever she wanted when she was home. I was ridiculed and laughed at for having typical childhood responses to life and punished when I expressed my pain over these incidents. My step-father made cruel jokes about me and my mother escalated and perpetuated these jokes. For Chirstmas one year, I received over 7 gifts containing an object that was part of one particular joke. When I ran humiliated from the room, my mother accused me of ruining her Christmas.

I experienced shame and humiliation at school. People wanted to know me, wanted to be friends with me, but because I was not allowed to speak to them outside of school or spend time with them, they would eventually stop interacting with me. I entered adulthood with zero social skills.

I did not escape my mother's abuse when I moved out as an adult. She continued to shame and humiliate me as she tried to force me into a mold that I was woefully unsuccessful at fitting into. When I didn't fit the mold she had designed for me, she would tell me a laundry list of my faults, causing me to believe I was defective as a human being.

She still tries to this day. I've had a lot of recent revelations about that which I will discuss later.

I entered adulthood with no identity and no social skills, so I adapted and became what I thought people wanted me to be. I've had a series of narcissistic friends and abusive relationships. I am finally in a healthy relationship and beginning to see my True Self. I actually love the person I really am, and I am working hard on building a life based on my values, wants, and needs. I was 40 before I even knew that I had been abused. It was so subtle and so insidious.

I believe we do need to speak out and break the silence. I think it is time to stand up and shout out to the world that abuse of any kind is not acceptable.

I believe in our society people do not like to hear that parents can be so ugly, it creates fear for them. Fear that they failed to see it with one of their parents, their freinds parents, that weird kid they teased who had a story behind why they were that way. Because it makes us face the fact that we can fail as a parent, that we are shaping a persons whole life in raising them, and that we hold more responsibility in our hands as a parent then many are prepared to have. I also think there should be a test to become a parent, those who fail are on mandatory birthcontrol til they get themselves in a place to be a good parent! LOL!

I stayed at home until I was 16 years old. I was in denial about the fact that my situation was abusive, I just knew I wanted out. I lost a lot of my childhood to memories I can't pull up, they come in flashbacks and nightmares only. I do remember being told I never should have been born, or I should have been given up for adoption and my brother should have been kept. I grew up knowing that I ruined my mothers life by my very existence, I ruined her career too. I knew I was the reason we were poor, without me they wouldn't be pulling dead weight. I grew up knowing nothing I ever did was good enough. I knew all the things I couldn't do, and I knew all the things I could were stupid, insignificant and probably wrong. I worked so hard to do right, get good grades, I was working a paying job at 12 so I could contribute to the family and not be dead weight.
My mother was prone to rages, random rages that were very hard to predict, and I grew up in fear of making her mad. Of the tirades she would rain down on me because I forgot to do her whites, or pick up the flower pot and clean underneath it when I wiped the counters. Or that when I did, I set the flower pot down in the wrong spot, and so she would be mad. I hated for a few years our downstairs bathroom, which was used as a storage closet and where I was sent to sit in the dark if I spoke during one of my mothers rages. After a while, I liked my bathroom down there, at least I couldn't see the hate on her face as she screamed at me through the door. I could even plug my ears and pretend I was somewhere else! LMAO!
I went through a few years of just wishing I was dead. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, I never really wanted to kill myself, but if a bottomless pit had appeared in the floor I would have jumped in. I just wished I was gone, I knew I was adding nothing to this world, I was useless, unwanted, and a damper on my parents life. If I was gone, maybe they would be happy.
It actually (beleive it or not) just recently came to my attention that my mom was "abusive". I really have never thought of her that way. But we started a business together (two years ago) and things were peachy for a while. But then our lease on our business space (and my home) ran out, things needed to move. She showed up at my new property and berated me. I failed as a business owner, I was a failure in life, I needed to stop depending on men to pull me through life, her normal tirades. She wishes she had never had me, so on. My boyfreind was there during this, I didn't know he could hear, we were on the porch and he was inside. I did my usual coping with mom thing "yes mom, I'm sorry mom, I'll try harder mom, just tell me what I can do better, " etc. My boyfreind finally stepped out and politely asked her to leave, and discuss this when she wasn't so heated. She blew up at him, told me she was out of the business, and that she would never forgive me for choosing a man over her in my life. She told him some rude and hurtful things, and that made me mad, I told her to get off my property, and that I was done. Just done, the business was over, and she and I were parting ways. I told her it had nothing to do with my SO, it was her. And I told her if she couldn't be happy for me in a good relationship, I didn't want her in my life, she did no good for me. Which was countered with more anger from her, and then she left. She called to apologize a week later, which I accepted, and we haven't spoken since.
My boyfreind told me this was not normal, this was not how moms treated their kids. 26yo women can no longer be put in a bathroom (she at the tail end told me to go there) as punishment. We sat and talked for a long time about how I was raised, and he again said this was not normal (I didn't know, I had no freinds growing up, this was all I had seen) and he said I needed to talk to someone about this. I've been having rampant flashbacks, panic attacks, and blackouts since the incident, and I am going in to see a therapist about it.
He pointed out (having been there as a freind during my separation from my abusive husband, and been told about things with the guy before) that my mothers treatment may be the root cause of why I end up around people who treat me this way. We talk alot, and I am so grateful to have him, and some insight into normalcy and a guide to help me raise my son in a positive manner!

One of the worst things is I left my sister with her. When I left at sixteen, my sister came with me, she was two at that time, and I had pretty much raised her to that point. My sister lived with me, went to work with me, even attended a year of high school with me, before my mother decided she wanted her back. We went to court, and I fought for custody of her, but the courts placed her with my mom. For three years my mother would not contact me, I didn't see my sister again until she was almost seven. Through the years since then, my sister has lived with me for all school breaks. I know she is suffering under my mom too, I can see the signs. I know it is not normal for a 12 yr old to be more comfortable in a closet then anywhere else. But I don't know what I can do to get her out of there. I have always told her that when the time comes, if she ever needs to get away, to call me, I will come get her. And if she decides to leave, and needs a place to go, my house is always open for her, anytime. I wish I could just scoop her out and save her.

Thank you for sharing your story CW! My heart goes out to you. These are the reasons, all of our stories, why we need to give victims of Childhood Abuse a voice. When we were victims ourselves, no one spoke up for us. I just keep getting the urge, more and more, to become one of the voices for the children of NOW.

My story if not as brutal as some of yours but it left me emotionally broken I cannot trust people and avoid contact - physical as well as eye. I have never shared all the details with anyone and I don't feel ready to do so now. But I am able to describe the bare structure of my childhood.
My mother was so much in love with my father that she couldn't see him clearly. When I told her that he was abusive she immediately went to him and told him, he of course denied and said that I was lying and after that she never listened no matter how I tried to explain meanwhile I received punishments from my father.
When there were people around he was the perfect husband and father but at home it was hell for me. I was never allowed to have a sleepover so that I won't say anything I was not allowed to say a word to my friends. I had to come home immediately after school and after a while I was left with no friends. I learned how to differentiate between my mother's and father's footsteps, how to look as though I am sleeping and when to switch off my lights so that he thinks that I am asleep. I started to recognize how drunk he was and basically I acted as a coward. My mother meanwhile was struggling with 2 or 3 jobs because Dad did not bring enough money. Now we know that he had a few families on the side and was supporting whatever woman he was sleeping with (his choice is normally married housewives whose children are at school ).
I know that the one who is the trash is him really but I still remember the beatings and the screaming and his words that I am ugly and stupid etc. etc. Because of his high standing in society everyone believed that I was clumsy and that was why I always had bruises when I was small and could''t evade him.
But I am ashamed to say that even after knowing everything I still hoped that there was some truth in his public face. I trued to be the perfect daughter and student up until the time when I asked him what to do to make him like me and he said that I should die.
And now I have so much issues that I could write a whole book on how much I don't pass as a valuable part of society.

@ShadowAn - My heart goes out to you. I know you can find healing, I believe it. Take it slow, take baby steps if you have to. The pace you choose is what is best for you. Just keep moving forward, its the best thing you can do for yourself. I know how very hard that is. I know how isolating childhood abuse is for all of us. I was prevented from having friendships as well. It's difficult to learn to trust people when never given the chance and then having the only trust you do know betrayed by abuse and silent neglect.

We have been betrayed deeply by the very people who were supposed to protect us, guide us, and help us thrive. They took away our dignity, our minds, our instincts, our identities, and so much more, and they replaced what was rightfully ours as human beings with shame, fear, self-loathing, and false beliefs. We were innocent souls, manifested into this world for a purpose. Our parents chose to accept the responsibility of guiding us toward our purpose, caring for our needs, teaching us to care for ourselves, and teaching us about the world we came into. The moment they decided to raise the child they had created, they made a contract to live up to those responsibilities. When they hurt us they taught us to hurt ourselves. They broke the contract and stifled our souls. They taught us that this world is dangerous and scary and filled with hate. They taught us that our needs do not matter.

But, we came equipped with a beautiful talent. It may be buried very deep inside and seem as though it does not exist or is too difficult to find. This talent is to survive. It exists within every human being, it is a part of us all. This very basic of desires tells us that what happened to us was wrong. And we must listen to that. We must discover a way to turn the volume back up and hear what our survival instinct is saying to us. It is telling us we have the right to be here. It is telling us we have the right to live and thrive.

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences in this discussion.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT BEAU, NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT CHILD ABUSE, IT IS ALL HYDDEN, WHEN CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING, SHAME ON THOSE THAT COVER IT UP AT ALL LEVEL OF SOCIETY**YOUR EXPERIENCE IS TERRIBLE, MINE COMPARE TO FRIENDS HERE IS NOTHING, IT WAS MORE EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL, STILL IT WAS PAINFUL, I FELT TREATED DIFFERENT NOT LOVED AS MY SISTERS AND BROTHER, VERY LONELY, SAD, AND NOBODY TOOK ANY NOTICE** IT HAS BEEN LIKE THIS MOST OF MY LIFE,,LOVE LUCY**

I think you've just answered your own question
But if you were abused, assaulted, tortured, neglected, abducted, or otherwise maltreated, you're not supposed to talk of such things. You're expected to keep it stuffed inside, often carrying the unmentionable shameful secret to the grave.
I think the main problem is while there are places to go phone numbers to ring etc,,,,,,,, no one ever tells the kid bing abused that what thy are going thought is actually abuse! And while you may know or have a feeling it's wrong, it's too late because its already happened and who's going to believe the kid who's isolated from knowledge that t is abuse after being constantly brainwashed its there fault?
Education focuses on extremes while most abuse is a build up so the child minimises ad doesn't want to get into more trouble. They have the general extreme class open chat and get told if it happened to them to tell someone. (Who?) But thy are not told what happens next or how safe it is to tell, so the guilt and blame sets in, and the minimising that its not that bad cause such and such didn't happen.
I think it needs to be simplified for children, I mean what's abuse mean to a child?
Adults- well I wold report any suspicions however knowing the uk system I don't hold out much hope.. We was on a ring rota to social services before my niece got remove from abuse.
I may seam quit in your Face about abuse but it naffed me off when people are ignorant to bubble life's. when school contacted me about an incident I called the police and there responses was are you sure you want to report it! The incident had happened to several girls andi was the first o report and after a lot of upset and worry it dint get taken to court, so I can understand why people don't reporting also.
And when kids are traumatised what adult wants to let there kid mix with the traumatised one? Who's gonna give them a chance, o again made to feel isolated and to blame or trying to express there feelings.
And how many people want to know the gossip but never offer an hour off for support, my friends just thought I was crazy for taking my troubled niece in and even our doctor though we was mad. I may be mad but as I have said to everyone she is a child ( almost adult now) and deserves to have a safe childhood. I getbhervself sabatarge, she does crazy things but why? I think if I hadn't experienced what i did I would probably want to take the easy option but I know how she feels.
I do challenge abuse and I'm not bothered about giving someone the shock factor of reality as a whole but i can't own the experience fully with people in my area because I would feel exposed and vulnerable. I have sections in my head of acceptable abuse and unacceptable to give to general people.

I can tell stories so horrid that therapists refuse to see me anymore. They senf me off to "more experienced" therapists who then send me off to even more experienced ones, who then send me off to spiritual ones who "have to" listen, who ......
well, you get the idea.

Some people just don't want to know that these things happen. Like ignoring slavery, they want to ignore it as long as it does not happen to them.

As least that is my guess.

When i did speak in public the audience was always small made up of mostly cops, social workers and other abuse survivors, it was truly frustrating since these people are already aware. But up here in Canada they're starting to have commercials about child abuse and newspaper advertisements so it's a bit of a start. I feel this is just too shocking for Jack and Jill citizen and they just tune out and turn off whenever they hear about it, as long as it is not effecting them. I'm working with some good people up here and planning to return to the podium one last time, I may loose my blood family by doing that, but I truly don't care about that anymore. I have allowed them to silence me for too long now, and am ashamed of that.

I tried talking about it and my aunts said "Abuse is an abused word". Meaning what happened to me wasn't abuse at all. But I know better.

OMG..... when a bully made my life a misery in choir, thedirector told me that "bully" is overused.

That is an excuse for ignoring a problem with head in the sand instead of facing it and finding solutions.

The other thing is that people want to believe they are so misunderstood. Hearing stories like ours about surviving things they can't imagine ruins there belief that they worked so hard to get thru things that are in reality just ordinary.

NO one wants their view of their own super powers to be destroyed.

Blood family also want that PERFECT appearance they present to the world.