I saw a therapist, and joined a support group. This does not work for everyone, but, it was a start for me. I was determined to find my own happiness as an adult, despite the childhood that was taken from me. Then,I got myself away from my ''parents.'' I relocated,and I went to college. I read self help books, and started to gain some self esteem. I started to draw and paint. I learned how to play an instrument!! I started to like myself, I was smart and talented! Who knew?? Ah, yes, the F word comes to mind...Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a strange word. I came to realize that I had to forgive the people who really hurt me so badly. I never told them that though. I didn'nt forgive them for them, I forgave them for me. You see, I feel as though I was given another chance at life. I wasn't going to just give away a chance that I could be happy. Hatered can kill a person's soul. The people who abused me, they have no soul at all. I told these people what I thought of them, and I relocated, and never saw or spoke to them again. By no means did I let them ''off the hook'', they are now living in their own self made hell. And, I am no longer a part of that. We reap what we sow. I feel as if I had wasted a lot of time with all the anger I had bottled up inside me. I am no saint, and I still to this day, have a lot of mental health issues that stem from the horrific abusive childhood I had..What does not kill us, makes us strong. I have turned a negative into a positive. And, my faith in my higher power helped me as well. I am now a volunteer art teacher at a senior center. I started a art program for seniors when there was none. I also started a free arts and crafts program in my crime ridden community for children from 6 to 14 years old. I also volunteer with the homeless. I guess in my way, volunteering was my therapy. I don't want to give an illusion that I rode away on a pink unicorn, no way. I learned to take care of myself, and to keep myself safe. I found my own happiness, I found me. All is not lost. I have thought about what if I had a ''normal'' childhood, would I be as strong as I am now? Probably not. I no longer accept abuse as a way of life! I stand up for myself, and for others as well. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I have the respect from others, because I now have respect for myself. Am I healed from the damage that was done to me? No, I'll probably never physically or mentally heal. But, am I happy? I have to say, yes, I am! I never gave up, and either should any of you. There is joy after abuse, there is happiness after abuse. We are all stronger than we think we are. We are survivors.

Not sure. These things break us at the most basic levels. Even before our very personalities are developed, we are being attack, beaten, and abused mentally, emotionally, and physically to the very point of death of our souls.

How does one heal that?
Where do we go to find others who are willing to do more than just try to benefit from us and take away from us.
How does one learn to recognize abuse in others before we form relationships?

So many of us become "human doings" to crush out the feeling of pain. We get so busy with projects, activities, volunteer works....all these look good to the world. So we "look good". But these are not real relationships. They are based on a hierarchy rather than peer to peer friendships.

Perhaps we need a list of ways to recognize them:
I'll start with those who say stupid platitudes to us as if they will magically fix things.
For instance: "what does not kill you makes you stronger" NOPE people who are pushed to the brink of breaking learn to form a hard shell around themselves. We appear hard on the outside but in reality we are very fragile - like glass - it looks hard, keeps out contamination but can easily be broken with even a short fall.
It is so easy to assume that what is on the outside reflects our interior.

This is a tough one. In fact it's the primary reason why I demanded from myself a retreat as opposed to looking for another job and starting over. There was just this part of me that said 'ENOUGH!!!!' and would not let go of seeking an alternative. And I'm glad I did. But what to say to another to prompt such ideas? I wish self actualization could be bottled and sold; but then how to market it? How do we let the general public know that in spite of all the shit they go through, they are human and a living creature worthy of respect as the barest minimum? How do people have ears to hear it?

I guess at the end of the day, the word has to get out there some how and the rest is in the hands of God, hope, fate, shear luck....?

I don't know what we can do. As I wrote in my post on this subject I have always chosen the wrong people to be with. The people who could help me heal want nothing to do with me. Healthy people want healthy partners. Even in friendship this is true. Some say we recognize abuse, that it feels familiar. I don't want abuse and won't tolerate it anymore which is a main reason I'm alone. I still search for a healthy person who wants to help a broken person heal. It seems impossible to find. But maybe some day.

I know that people can see I'm not right somehow...enough people have told me just that. After a long series of failed relationships, I gradually shut down. I live alone now with no friends. I haven't entirely given up, but enough's enough. I don't go around looking to meet people, not even for friendship. Loneliness is better than being in a dysfunctional relationship...or getting abused.

I have a rule I live by now...disrespect me, and you're history...end of story. My doormat days are over.

Good for you Richie.

I so agree with you - I'd rather be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship.

I am lucky enough to have become an alcoholic and I mean that. Alcohol did allow me to loosen up and be more outgoing - but then it made me obnoxious and it almost killed me. That part was not so lucky.

Except for the fact that it led me to AA. Those meetings have done miracles for me. I can meet and know people at a sort of distance. I don't have to let anyone into my home - but I do get to talk to people, hug them and share with them. The cool thing is that there are some odd people at meetings so I feel totally at home.

What I learned from that is that in order to get out of my comfort zone of isolation - I MUST get out of my house and at least interact with a few people. When we stay at home by ourselves - we only hear our own negative voices. When we interact with people = at least they mirror back to us that we are worth talking to and that helps, imo.

I have been married for nearly 23 years, its a totally dysfunctional relationship, where we play happy families. I know it's not right and m working on doing things to change that. But it's not about changing him its about changing my attitude of choice what's acceptable for me and what's not. It's a slow process,,,,,,
Deep down I want to find genuine friends who I can trust, I want a family that dose not play games. I think sometimes I want it so badly to fill the void I choose the wrong people and of course I think I test them, please them and they don't pass so. Still have this empty lonely void. You know the saying alone in a crowded room. But I need to accept and learn that people are human and some times I think I'm looking for perfect people that don't exist.
I keep people at a distance so how can people cone into my life? I was on a course one time and. A College friend bought me a lipstick. I was pleased cautious and automatically wanted to give something to her. She told me a friendship can only be based on give & take. It taught me a lesson that someone giving & pleasing all the time is not an equal relationship.
To pull away from pleasing. Isn't easy it's like re learning everything from the start.
One thing I'm good at is not accepting outside violence, I will speak up or myself , but I'm not good at controlling the internal fear and reactions, its a frustrating journey. If anyone's got a magic wand please let me borrow it.

What role does perception play in this? The word just kinda popped into my head but I have no idea why.

I guess I see perception as what you expect already before its happened. Like you know your going to be let down before you've been let down.
What I'm trying to work on is when to trust my gut instinct and when to give it a go

I'm with ya, Alijo

alijo I totally get what you posted. People are not perfect and yes I would like to have a magic wand too. Sometimes even my best friend goes on my nerve, sad to say, but she does. All we can do is learn how to love ourselves and try to make the best out of our lives. Building relationships with people is not easy, and hardly I find any people I click with or wanna hang out with, I surely don't want to have to pretend that I am somebody else. Yes we have to go out and talk to people, but real relationships or even friendships are very hard these days, we don't even have time for more than a handful of people, and I surely don't want the "so called friends" that drive you absolutely nuts, robe you of your precious sleep and what else, I had one of those last year and I just had to let her go, she was making my life impossible. Peace and Love.