No one talked with me about love. What I saw instead was impulsive behavior which ended up in a marriage after two weeks of knowing each other, and then came three kids, some (first and third) of which were impulsive behavior from drunkenness and lack of insight in using birth control.

We were tolerated until we turned 18 (reminded of THAT everyday). We kids were here in order to work for them. We were to meet their needs, instead of the other way around. Dad worked, and for that I am thankful, but he griped about the burden, not joy, in raising us. None of us felt wanted. And tried too hard to win their love even after we left home. I always looked for replacement parents to fill the hole in my heart.

It all fell into place after studying Dr. Bruce Perry's work on attachment disorder theory. He's on You Tube but also has written The Boy Who Was Raised by a Dog and Born for Love. He tells the neurobiology of brain development through early attachment and from then on. Early abuse, prolonged, damages the brain wiring and re-sets up the system from too much arousal. That describes me to a tee. Meds and CBT have help a lot! But I waited until I was 62 to get help and that was after a breakdown. Anxiety-driven decisions ruled me. The breakdown was a breakthrough of which I now say is the "best bad thing that ever happened to me."

i never did and sometimes believe i still do not understand love. ive let whats been done to me show me what love is. love to me is ....betrayal, lies, pain, something where i have no voice and must obey the others needs, something that doesn't last forever, cheating. this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. something i would like to grasp the actuality of it , instead of my skewed corrupt view on it.

My mother was a weirdo. One of her favorite expressions was, "Food is love." She was always overweight or obese, while myself and my brothers and sisters were always starving and malnourished to the point that some of us suffered permanent physical damage. So, based on her favorite saying, she didn't love us.

She daily screamed at us that she didn't have to let us live, that she only tolerated us. To her, we were a source of welfare checks and food stamps, and nothing more. She used us.

Can we have a lesson, please?

Here's some stuff I found a while back. I didn't find anything specifically same sex (as I'd been in a same sex relationship that was abusive) but I still think these are rather universal:

http://www.lifeorganizers.com/Family-Relationships/Relationships/Having-a-Healthy-Dating-Relationship.html

---

http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikaandersen/2012/11/17/3-kinds-of-false-friends-you-must-fire-from-your-life/

http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/23/15-things-real-friends-do-differently/

(I like this for the same reasons I like DS. Used best judgment. Being about to be friends, it's been said, is a precursor to anything more intimate. where dating is concerned, you know how it's a big deal to meet the friends cuz, if they approve you then you're in [but watch out what you're approved for], it works the other way too. Check them out, make mental notes, because s/he is reflected possibly in them).
-----

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/10/13/o.grown.up.love/index.html
-----

The foundation has to do with respecting autonomy. Why I haven't found any woman yet who values and respects me I'm working on.

Thanks, enoughalready, for the links. Harvell Hendrix and Helen Hunt have written a book called Getting the Love You Want. They believe we are attacked to mates who help finish out our unresolved childhood issues. They actually offer a way for this to be achieved through Imago training. My husband and I have used their technique with an Imago counselor and it helped get us on our way to the good place in our marriage.

There's one thing I learned about love in my life. Love is not words, it's deeds.

My parents and sisters said that they loved me. In fact they said that a lot. But I know for certain that they lied. Love is about nurturing, protecting, making personal sacrifices for those you love. What they did instead was about hurting, it was about neglect, it was about abuse. It was about leaving me in harm's way for their petty conveniences.

My dad had a rule about our family dogs...no walking of dogs, no leashes. Instead the dogs had to go behind the garage to do their stuff. His idea was to bury it all in shallow pits back there whenever he got around to it, which he did once in a blue moon, as the saying goes.

After he got rid of the dog we had when I was a toddler, that little alley behind the garage became a convenient place for Mom to get rid of me during the day. I had my little shovel and bucket and my toys back there, and that's where I spent my days. I would have to say that my mother did not love me, no way. You don't leave little toddlers by themselves, out of sight, playing in dog crap while you get loaded...end of story.

Words of love are useless. I only believe in deeds.

I've never heard the words "I love you" from anyone. But I know what love is and what it isn't. Love isn't the neglect and abuse I suffered. Love is genuine concern and compassion. Love is wanting to take care of the other person. Love is horrified at abuse and neglect. It's hard to put into words but I have always known what love is, and have always known that I didn't get any, Still searching for it though.

I never heard I love you from anyone in my childhood. I was a burden to my parents. Later in life I became the worker for them. Dad always said "I provide food, shelter and clothes for you kids." I am grateful for that. Last June I was taking care of dad and it was like I was a kid again. He yelled and belittled me the whole time. I yelled back at him that he loves his beer more than I. His response was "so I drink!" Then he yelled "I love you!!" I didn't and don't believe him. As an adult I related love to sex. Sex was a way to show love for another. I got married (my first) and had kids. I didn't even know how to love them. That marriage ended fast. For years I sought love, coming up empty every time. I knew dad and mom's love wasn't what I wanted. I wanted substance, I wanted to FEEL love .. unrestrained. I was fortunate I found a wonderful woman that I actually love and she loves me. We've been married for 13 beautiful years. I have a God who loves me and friends that do as well. Yelling I love you is not love. Love is kind, gentle, smooth, serene, calm and happy.

Love is never hurtful.....ever. The abuse I experienced in childhood shows that love was a bad word and there were consequences if we even uttered the word. I was age 5 when I climbed up on my father's lap and told him "I love you, Daddy". My mother grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me down on the floor and kicked me in the stomach. That was her favourite behaviour. That word love was equated with abuse. I learned a long time later it had no basis. A bit of therapy showed me that.

I learned to love me at the age of 27. I am now age 60. I got up one morning and took a look in the mirror and saw the colour of my eyes. I didn't know they are brown. I just couldn't look in a mirror before that. I was pleasantly surprised at the image looking back at me. I found out that I am not ugly, not stupid and certainly worthy of love. I was told by my psycho mother that no one would love me, not even God. As I said, therapy showed me different and I learned that mommie dearest was wrong.

I went out that same day and thought I would buy myself something nice. I am a responsible person and paid all my bills and thought maybe I would do something nice for myself. I never did that before.

When I was asked by some aXXhole why did I treat myself, I answered it is because I love me and if I do love me, then I am capable of loving others. It made all the sense in the world to me and it is true to today. I was told by that same person(?!) that the love I feel for myself can turn into narcissism. HUH!?!?!? Love and narcissism is a conflict and it's like comparing a fish to a bicycle. No comparison at all. Where do people find their theories? Holy Moly!!

I really do believe we can love others as long as we love ourselves first. I mean you can't give what you don't have. That would be like telling someone I have a million dollars for you when you don't.

We do find love and we are more than capable of giving love to our loved ones. Just not the abusers.

I just had to find this post again for the sake of 'lessons' request. I found this on the aish.com site:

http://www.aish.com/d/w/7-Common-Dating-Myths.html

Nobody talked to me about love. I don't remember my father ever telling me he loved me. But my mother taught me to cook and she taught me to knit and crochet, and she read to me and my brother. I don't think she would have done those things if she didn't love me, in spite of the fact that I was never what she wanted and was never good enough for her. So I think I associate love with learning things, as odd as that might sound. I like people who teach me stuff.

Thinking about your questions confuses me. I gave up on love some time ago, realizing that I was unable to define it or recognize it, and started looking for respect, consideration, and kindness. I can at least define those.

But I think maybe Louis Armstrong got the gist of it when he sang:

I see trees of green, red roses too,
I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands, saying, how do you do?
They're really saying, I LOVE YOU.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know,
And I think to myself, What a wonderful world.
I think to myself, What a wonderful world.

Thanks Booklady......that song sounds nice when sung but reading the words just makes it even nicer : )

We are all capable of love as that song captures so beautifully.