I can truly understand not wanting to be on medication. I took anti-depressants for the first time in my early 20s only because I had spent my entire childhood and adolescence wishing I could crawl into a hole and just die, and the feeling would not leave me alone. I gave the medication a try at the suggestion of my physician. I think I took it 6 months before I stopped on my own because I thought I could maintain the happiness on my own. I ended up spending my entire 20s on and off medication. Finally, as I entered my 30s, I decided that I needed to stay on my medication. I did for about 3 years. Then with my doctor's help, I stopped taking them. I had changed a lot of things in my life during that time, so I felt that I had dealt fully with the underlying causes of my depression well enough to continue on without the help. I went 7 years medication free. I would have bouts of my depression, but I knew the source of my sadness. I was in an abusive relationship, I had every reason to be depressed.

Ultimately, after ending that relationship, I found myself still depressed and my anxiety escalated to the point that I was finding it more and more difficult to function. I went back on medication and put myself into therapy again. As the medication began working, I realized that it gave to me a clarity of thought I do not have without it. And that made me finally accept the fact that I may have to take my medication for the rest of my life. Its possible that the prolonged exposure to stress has damaged my brain's ability to function properly on a chemical level. To me, that's no different than someone becoming diabetic and needing to take insulin in order to function properly. I've uncovered in therapy the fact that how I was treated as a child really was child abuse. It was emotional abuse and it left me deeply wounded psychologically. I don't think I could handle the grief and pain of what I am working on right now without my medication. I don't think I could sort it all out properly. So, I am grateful to have something that helps me make it through this process without going crazy from the despair.

I hope that helps in some way. My heart is with you. I wish that you felt like you could talk to someone about the events that feel so shameful to you. I think that would release the shame you carry inside of you. Please know, even if you can't bring yourself to do so, that whatever happened was not your fault in any way. If anyone forced you to do something, coerced you, or convinced you, you were a child and are in no way responsible.

In my experience, the mediaction is nothing to be ashamed of, it is meant to help you get theough a hard time, give you clarity, space, and get you to a point where you have the state of mind to better dope with your issues.
As for things you are too ashamed to talk about, yes, I do understand that. My second abuser (an older man in a position of authority) did things to me I am very ashamed to speak about. I can barely, barely squeak them out. However, in my case I have found I have to, because in a different situation, they are fetishes, not abuse, and I have to make it clear to my lover there are things we cannot do when making love. CANNOT DO, it will throw me into an instant flashback and I will be gone. I didn't do this with my ex, but I should have, it would have saved me a lot of pain and grief.
My current SO is so wise, as I sat on the edge of our bed explaining these things to him with my face covered ( I was so ashamed, so very very, wished I could have dropped dead rather then voice this stuff) He hugged me, and gave me one of the best pieces of advise I have ever heard.
There is no shame in this, not for me. I was a victim, I did nothing wrong, I did what I had to to survive that situation. There is NO SHAME in that. The man who did this should be ashamed. NOT ME. At that age, all I was doing was surviving. There is no shame in that.
Please talk with someone about it. For me, I had to write it first. I wrote it over and over and over, until it became a thing, a set of words, very little more. Saying it was easier after I had written it. I even gave it to my SO written, as I told him about it, because I wasn't sure I could say it aloud, not all of it. But he needed to know, because it would have devastated him to accidentally trigger a flashback. And for me, that doesn't take much.
Please don't be ashamed, please find a way to share it with someone who will support you and help you, and take the meds you need to to help you, when you need them too. There is no shame in that either. I wish the best for you!

thank you so much for your replies. It really helped, and I am going to talk about what shames me the most. all the best.

If you ever need someone to talk with, don't hesitate to contact me, my most embarrassing abuses were started by one man and continued by another, I have 14years of embarrassing stories I can trade with you, and the worst memories I haven't even fully recovered yet! LOL!
SO honestly, if you feel you would like to trade stories, there is little that can be done to a person that hasn't been done to me. And I do understand, OMG, I understand the shame, especially since my mother reinforced it, and I knew I was old enough I should have stopped it, I just couldn't, honestly could not.